It is expected women shall be 'good' mothers, but good fathers merit compliment.

[rubberglove]

It has struck me, the number of times it has been commented on, how good my dh is with the kids.

He is.

But it is said with an under tone of surprise, while I am never afforded such compliments. Though I am with them day in day out, doing the drudge.

This isn't a superiority contest, but merely my feeling that somehow it is expected I be 'a good mother', yet my dh patience and hands on approach is worthy of comment because, well such things from a father are above expectation of a man.

It makes me angry

We don't have DCs yet, but DH is much better around the house than most of our male friends (as in, he does 50%, they generally do about 20% ).

My view is that this doesn't make my DH spectacularly great. It makes all the other DHs spectacularly crap.

I do appreciate what he does and thank him for it, but then I also expect to be appreciated and thanked when I do stuff for us both.

This attitude is totally prevalent. I work in the City and it infuriates me how in the team there are a couple of women who have to leave to do nursery pick up a few days a week (not every day - they tend to have dh's or mums etc who help too) and while there isn't a huge issue with it, there's definitely a sense of "oh, xx can't do that because she has to pick up dc" ie it's a hardship for everyone. Which is ridiculous. One of the men comes in late twice a week because he takes his dc to school those days. And honestly you'd think he was a freaking saint, "oh yy has to take kids to school but do t worry, he'll sort it out as soon as he's back. He's such a committed father,".

And what annoys me the most is that I wish more me. Did what he did but that it wasn't so weird and that women who don't didnt get penalised for it.

I agree bling. It has to be men and women who share the "parenting impact" at work if in a two parent two job family.

Exp thought he needed a medal because he changed nappies. He works away for a month at a time but didn't feel he needed to do all the nappies when he was at home (doing nothing)
I know what wife work is but I think I will cry if I read it

So sorry to hear that crack.

Thanks.
It's just so bloody infuriating. I read minipies post and has to stop myself thinking oh that's good about her dh
Men doing 50% of everything shouldn't be celebrated as being a huge achievement it's so bloody undermining to women

No men should be doing 50% of everything. Unless your partner is disabled or very ill, there really is no excuse for them not doing so.

And what's more, doing any housework and or being an involved parent trumps any dv or abuse ime

crack I am not sure what you mean by that? You would rather have DV and an involved parent? You know you could have an involved parent and no DV?

And you sound very unhappy in your relationship.

Eats I think she's saying that some other people regard abusive partners as more acceptable if they do housework/are involved parents - not that she agrees with that...

Thanks minipie, yes crack sadly you are probably right. Although of course women have a right to expect loving respectful partners who also do their equal share of housework and childcare.

It's so annoying, isn't it?

My brother and his wife are really easy to compare in terms of the amounts of work they do, because their work is a part-time job share with each other, so they're required to be doing exactly the same work for exactly the same amount of time. SIL breastfed DN for about a year, and during that time DB would do more of the night-time nappies and would get up with DN early on so SIL could get a lie-in after being up during the night.

My mum is still desperately worried because he 'does so much'. Every time she sees him change a nappy or do anything that isn't playing with the baby, mum thinks he is 'doing too much' and wonders why SIL wouldn't do it first. And she goes on about how promising his career is and how sad it is if he ends up jeopardizing it - and FFS, it's exactly the same career as SIL's is!

Whew. Sorry, glad I have the chance to say that, as she rambles on to me about it and I get fed up with politely disagreeing every time.

I often hear this about OH with his children. I view it positively; it's becoming more the norm with men. Not everything, in my opinion, can be won with a battle. As more men become hands-on (and I truly see this as a majority) it becomes expected.
At my age I see more and more woman becoming mothers (hopefully my turn soon, I desperately want it). They were among the first to recieve this treatment from their fathers, and they expect it for their children.