What does this mean and does it mean I am not a true feminist?

[LurkingAndLearningForNow]

So I was Facebook-ing with a girlfriend earlier today and we got onto the topic of feminism. I was chatting about all the things I learned and how I'd decided to become involved in some protests later in the year.

She told me I was shocked, and 'it's one thing to believe in equality but don't pretend you're a REAL feminist like me.'

Understandably, I was upset and asked her why. She said I'm too pretty and girlie to be a feminist because I collect high heels and have an obsession with crafts, making my own skincare products, I have a Chihuahua and I take a lot of pride in the way I dress as I have a very feminine but unique style. I want to have a family and spend their early years as a SAHM until they go to school. I look up wedding dresses and rings sometimes.

Obviously the looks thing and what sort of dog I own are stupid reasons, but does getting Brazilian waxes, curling my hair and wearing heels mean I'm catering to the patriarchy?

This has me really bothered, so please be honest in your replies. If I have to stop these things, I will. She also basically told me I'm a superficial airhead so I couldn't possibly be a feminist. AKA she thinks I'm an armchair advocate.

I guess what I'm asking is it true if you watch some soppy romance telly (guilty pleasure) and the other things I mentioned mean I've been 'groomed' by society to act a certain way?

Sorry if this is a dumb question but it's been playing on my mind for hours.

interesting and thought provoking thread - thanks all.

I don't get people like your friend OP, it seems more like they view feminism as a competition or an elitist members-only club. Which is crazy.

Lurking - yes, you should definitely talk to your therapist about what you've just "uncovered" about yourself - that's very interesting. And unfortunately gives a little more weight to what your FB friend said (but not much). Your therapist will help you find a way through that though - your father's words to you obviously had a very deep impact on your own feelings about your appearance - but whether that has led to you putting on make up as a man-pleasing exercise, or as a mask for your own implanted belief that you are "disgusting" and your natural look shouldn't see the light of day, is going to be interesting to untangle. Good luck with it! :)

What Thumb said :) I recommend it!

Thank you all so much for your lovely words..I got a little teary reading them! I know I'm pretty in the conventional sense but I don't 'feel it' if that makes any sense? I'm actually starting therapy with a lovely new counsellor (I meet her tomorrow) from my school who specialises in counselling only women, she used to work at a women's shelter with my curse coordinator so hopefully she can help.
Thank you for no one aying need to give up obsessing over my hair..I used to pull it out from anxiety now brush it obsessively due to my OCD..Seems the lesser of two evils!

Garlicbum My old shrink (adored her before she moved away) made me a sign with my favourite move on it that says 'The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem' and made me stick it on my mirror. Realised I haven't looked at it in so long!

Thumbwitch Which state are you in? I'm in Victoria

I'm in NSW, Lurking :)
Have you visited the Living Overseas board? there are a few Melbournites on here, I think they do meet ups - we've just had a Sydney MN meet up which was great fun!

No, didn't even know there was one! I typed in my postcode and it sad the closest one was in Sydney. Damn dodgy Mumsnet! Lol.

Are you Aussie born or did you move here?

Total thread high jack Thumb but Sydney is still on the cards for us. I want to go nowwwwww.

Lurking, no I came out here in 2009 with Aussie DH - am British. DS is joint but born in the UK.
I haven't even bothered with the "local" MN for overseas - it's not very good! I always get confused as to which of the MNers are in Adelaide and which in Melbourne so don't quote me, but I think differentnameforthis is a Melbournite; savoycabbage possibly Adelaide and I'm sure there are others!

ComradeJing - get your butt over here! We'd love to have you along!

And Lurking, if you ever come over to Sydney to visit, you'd be welcome as well :)

Aww thanks Thumbwitch! I've never left Vic, but DP wants to take me to some kind of hippie festival next year (note: excuse to smoke pot LOL) and I'd love to have a coffee/tea. I'll bring a notepad so I can take notes from all your wisdom.

It'll have to be a small notepad then, Lurking!

Nonsense! You ladies have taught me so much..I can't even participate in most of the threads here cause you're all so intelligent and I'm left looking like this little dude > haha.

I just went into the bathroom and said to the mirror that my skin isn't pasty, it's fair. That's the best I can do so far, but it's a start.

If you can bear it, bung a photo on your profile and we'll help you out with nice things to start thinking about. Of course you have to actually trust and believe us, but if enough people say them, then who are you going to believe - the majority? or that mean little voice in your head that amazingly sounds just like your Dad?

Well for the past Heaven knows how many years, he's won out. :( You always remember the bad comments, never the good ones aye?

I can't put a pic on the internet. I was raped by an internet predator at 14 and now I try very hard to be internet savvy. If you PM me first (no idea how to PM someone first!) I'll show you a photo, but to be honest I'm actually afraid of people's reactions, which I know in my heart isn't healthy :(

It's amazing how much I've learned about my own shortcomings (and potential strengths) from this board! I know you ladies get a fairy rough trot on the rest of the forum; I wish everyone could see you through my eyes! It's a bit amusing how feminists can be accused of woman hating/man hating when I already feel quite a close 'sisterhood' here. I'm VERY glad I joined this forum!

backatcha :)

You can PM people by clicking on "message poster" on the bar with their name on it, Lurking. :)

Sorry to hear about your awful experience - and fully understand why you wouldn't want to put any photos "out there" ever again.

Being afraid of people's reactions to your looks is another thing you can discuss with your therapist - your sense of self-worth is too bound up in how others see you and this isn't healthy either.

Glad you found this forum too - hope you continue to find it helpful! (maybe stay out of AIBU for a bit... )

Lurking it is really, really awesome that you are thinking like this. Fair skin is gorgeous - I am practically blue-white and the depth of fair skin is fascinating to me - I can see veins!

If you're struggling with noticing something nice about how your face/body looks, I find it helps to praise something your face/body does well. So when I could get depressed about the lovely 30s combination of acne AND wrinkles, I remind myself that my skin has done me proud for the last 3 and a bit decades - I have this awesome layer that keeps things in/out of my body, feels nice to touch, and lets me sense hot, cold, and pressure..... it's brilliant! Poor old skin, I've given it a hard time. It deserves some recognition for how well it does its job!

And my legs? Well I COULD go on about knobbly, scarred knees and thick ankles but that's just the nasty image voice talking. And I'm going to say back to that voice: These legs have carried me (and my son!) up and down mountains, round and round shopping centres, and all through my life without (really) complaining. These legs are feckin' BRILLIANT! :)

That sort of thing. Dunno if it will help you, but noticing that my body belongs to me, and does cool stuff for me, helping me do things I want to do... it helps me get past the 'my body doesn't look appropriate and blah blah I am terrible' stuff which is, frankly, bullshit designed to make me insecure by people who want me to be and feel less awesome than I actually am.

You are awesome - look at all the things you do!

OP, take it from a mixed race woman-very white skin is beautiful too. At college once, I had an interesting experience talking about appearance in a large mixed group when lots of white women started bemoaning their pale skin, and the black people present said "Eh? What are you talking about?" They were African-born and hadn't got the 'yuk, pasty white skin' memo. They were surprised anyone would say that.

I've just got a book out of the library called 'The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like with Who You Are.' I shall be interested to see what it's like. Not overtly feminist I think, unfortunately.

Lurking, I am sure you look great. I secOnd what blackcurrants says about what your body has done for you. So... My legs have taken me up Mount Sinai, my tummy has carried my two DCs etc.

Aside from apoearance, what I KNOW is that I always want to read your posts and I am glad you have joined the board. You are articulate, questioning and thoughtful. Thank you.

Thank you for your beautiful comments ladies.

I haven't been on for a few days, been getting my life on track. I met my new counsellor! She is a really lovely, gentle person. She's given me five small changes I need to make a day and report back to her.