"she should have been more careful"

[Valpollicella]

I just need to vent and think here would be the best place.

On the news earlier was a story about a rapist who has recently been convicted. He met two of his victims through internet dating. My mothers commentary to the report was "well maybe she should have been more careful"

I swear I have never neen more shocked at something she has said. Ive told her she is essentially blaming the victims. Her counter argument was that"well she shouldnt have gone off with him without telling anyone" and "well she should have been more careful"

bangs head against nearest wall

Im so so annoyed that someone who is such a feminist in so many ways can think this way.

This is why juries acquit on seemingly straightforward cases.

Educating on rape myths and encouraging the slight shift in thinking that means that the focus is on the rapist not the victim is always a good thing because you never know who is going to get called for jury service.

It's so disgusting, my boyfriends mum was talking about a rape case where the women had consensually performed oral sex but then the man vaginally raped her. And my bf's mums response was 'well if she was gonna put it in her mouth then she might as well have it in her vagina'. She didn't see any problem with saying this at all.

Rape myths or not, I am still going to tell my teenage daughter that getting very drunk, going into private places with men you don't know very well, and walking alone through lonely areas late at night are ways of making yourself vulnerable to predators.

It doesn't mean I think it is her fault if she does one of the above, and gets raped. And I know she may well be raped by a man she knows well. But it's about risk reduction. And seeing that rape victims carry the scars for the rest of their lives, I will do and say anything I can to reduce that risk for her.

That is disgusting, Krumbum. And how weird, really, when you come to think of it, that her behaviour can be questioned, but there is no equivalent comment of, "Was the oral not good enough for him?" I mean, you're given a gift - the normal response is to enjoy it, isn't it? Not say, "Thanks, and I'll take this too." But the man's behaviour is completely ignored - like it can't be changed.

I don't think anyone is taking ultimate responsibility away from the perpetrator but you lock your doors at night to prevent burglars. Taking precautions is not a bad thing.

Valpolicella, that's quite a surprising answer from a feminist!! Honestly, I was raped by my ex and we had met online... 7 months earlier though!

I guess the whole "let's blame it on the victim" issue is still quite popular :( So many years spent by the feminists groups to try and change things and you can still heat this kind of stuff around... Shocked.

All these people who say "it's not victim-blaming to say take precautions" and it's just like locking your front door are victim-blaming though. Because we know that most rapists know their victims, avoiding dark alleys or drunkenness, while continuing to associate with men at all, is not like locking your front door.It's like locking the windows on the fourth floor, where most burglars aren't going to enter the house, while leaving the front door wide open.

There aren't many people advising women to give up associating with men altogether, which is the only effective precaution a woman can take against rape.

That would be the equivalent of locking your front door but you would be considered hysterical, extremist and un reasonable to advise it.

I dated a rapist, I had a drink with him, at night, in a pub, with a dark alley nearby.

He wasn't interested in raping me then, he wanted a specific fantasy he created, then raped me.

The only protection I could have had was being inside his brain to see what he was thinking.

However, according to most people, I did something wrong, I was stupid or I lacked self protection.

No, I met a rapist.

And as for the burgalry theory.

My neighbour and I live next door to each other, we have basically the same kinds of contents.

He locks all his doors and windows, I cba.

Guess who got burgled?

Not me.

There is no defense against those who chose to use their masculinity to abuse females!! Apart from realising that in advance and making sure you always have others with you.
I have a friend who was raped many years ago, she was walking home from a night out in town, wearing a mini skirt and on her own.
Should she have been more careful?

I think the rapist should have been more careful and not raped her.

To the OP

I know how you feel, I felt similarly disgusted when once overheard a relative of mine having a conversation with a Norwegian-Asian taxi driver where she agreed with him that the few rapes that happened in Oslo were because women were walking around late at night and the attackers couldn't help themselves.

But wouldn't your mum have made the same comment if the victim had been male and murdered?

I don't agree with the concept that we ought to treat one another with suspicion and assume criminal motives, or that we are being criminally negligent if we don't do this. I particularly don't agree that sex and sexual attack should be conflated. I think that makes for a sad society where we are being held to ransom by criminals. But there is also an argument that we must bear personal responsibility for our safety and not rely on the state to protect us, and so we should take common sense measures like not going to secluded places with complete strangers.

Your mother might therefore mean that the victim does not bear any responsibility for being raped, rather she bears some responsibility for being victimised.