I am reading this thread with interest because I grew up with a father that was abusive towards my brother and my mother, and perhaps EA towards me. I am nearly and haven't lived at home since I was 19. My mother and father split last year and it caused me to reflect on our childhood. My mother will always say that we had a wonderful childhood and my father was a brilliant dad, but I vividly remember my dad beating my brother (two years younger than me) for next to nothing. One particular incident involved my father grabbing my five year old brother by the wrist, swinging him from the chair at the dinner table, holding him in the air and beating him around the legs and backside with the other arm. My mother stood and watched while I leapt off my chair and onto my fathers back, screaming at him and hitting him until he stopped.
My father is a sulker and would regularly refuse to talk to anyone. Two days of silence and my mother and brother were apologising to him and living a happy family life, while I refused to do so. A week later and my mother made me apologise. After that I remember there being several incidents where I would have a differing opinion to my dad and he would refuse to talk to me for weeks on end.
My mother always made excuses for him "he's of a different generation" (he's 14 years older than her) "his father was Muslim and beat his children and mother" "DB just winds him up" "we shouldn't make him angry" I mean WTF? And now, as they have split, she has hinted at physical and sexual abuse too.
I have cut my father out of my life after a very prolonged period of giving him as much leeway as possible, but he would not change. I am angry with him for not being the kind of dad other girls had and (sadly) I am angry at my mother for allowing that sort of behaviour to carry on, because the older I get, the more I can see the impact that it has had on myself and the affect that it has had on my brother.
I want to be able to show any children I have, regardless of sex, that you Do Not hurt other people. You Do Not sneer at them or ignore them and you certainly Do Not Hurt them. I want to be able to teach my children that it is ok not to make peace with someone if that person is hurtful. I want to be able to teach them that they do not have to apologise to someone who is unreasonable just to make things comfortable and instead they should jsut walk away, because they have every right to be the person that they want to be and to voice their opinions in a constructive way without fear of violence or emotional abuse.
I realise that this is a bit of an essay, but I feel so strongly about it and worry that because of the upbringing I have had, I will make the same msitakes as my parents, and that horrifies me.