Musings about weight loss and feminism

[BelleCurve]

I have lost some weight recently, which is a "good" thing from a health perspective but also frankly no-one else's business. I don't bang on about diets etc and keep it to myself.

I deal very badly with colleagues/acquaintances making any sort of comment about it, generally I try to shrug it off/change the subject and they get defensive, "well I was only trying to be nice"

In addition to that there is also an assumption that I have done this for a man, or for the appreciation of men in general. Some colleagues recently commented that I was looking better now (i.e. looked shit before) so I must be having an affair with someone in the office and they were surprised that I didn't find this type of remark flattering.

Yesterday a male colleague (we are not friends) said something like "oh you look like you have lost some weight". I mumbled something non-committal and looked at the floor so he carried on "well, you would call me insensitive if I didn't notice, and I am only trying to compliment you".

He doesn't know anything about me or my personal life, I could have lost weight because I was ill or something. I found it really offensive that he felt I should be flattered that he had deigned to notice me, as obviously that was the only reason I would have lost weight - to be more attractive to obese, married colleagues.

I know it is not the worst thing ever, but he has form for really sexist comments and I just didn't know what to say - "thanks for noticing that I now comply better with the patriarchy approved standards of fuckability - that is my life's work"

I agree with you completely on this having recently lost weight myself

People assume its something worth complimenting because it's about women performing their socially constructed gender roles. There is no discussion of men's weight loss in the same terms despite it being equally important for their health.

And, I may just start using your last comment myself!

They only comment on men losing weight if it has been a really massive weight loss, like 5 stone or over

I totally agree that women's weight is primarily looked at in terms of attractiveness to the opposite sex (with health issues coming second). If you look at before and after photos online, the before photo always has to show the overweight person looking really frumpy and unattractive and the after photo shows the same person glammed up to the nines.

I've never really experienced it myself as I've always maintained a pretty similar weight for most of my adult life, but I see it all around me and unless I know a woman is on a diet for the express purpose of lowering her weight for her appearance, I never comment on someone's weight loss. If it's for health reasons I always try to say something like "wow, you look really well".

To that fat bloke at work you could have said "yes I feel great thanks, I like to keep healthy" and give his bulging stomach the eyeball in a pointed fashion.

YANBU to be pissed off.

I really don't understand the sensitivity. I've said to male & female friends and colleagues before 'you've lost weight' without assuming they're doing it for reasons of vanity. Usually people are quite pleased it has been noticed because it's been as the result of some hard work on their part. Are you uncomfortable with compliments more generally?

Whenever I have said to a male colleague "have you lost weight" they always look really shocked!

"well, you would call me insensitive if I didn't notice, and I am only trying to compliment you"

What a tosser. As if he knows what's going on inside your head. Because women are all exactly the same aren't we?

It's about control. Control of women and our bodies to make sure we don't get out of hand. So the flipside is criticism and disapproval if you're stepping out of the prescribed bounds of weight for women, and lots of compliments and approval when you step back in. But as you've noticed they aren't really compliments, they're intrusive personal remarks.

I used to regularly get remarks at work about how I'd get fat when I was tucking into a nice big Greggs cheese and onion stottie at lunchtime. Some people just can't help themselves. A weak "thanks" when they do this with a resigned face ought to get the message across.

I hear you, as a recent weight losser-er myself, most people assume it's because I want to look good for DH. The actual motivation was being out of breath just walking up stairs, pains in my legs and being passed every morning whilst doing the school run by a 60 year old jogger, a woman who was probably about 10x fitter then I was despite being nearly 2x my age.

OTOH, I think that lots of people do lose weight to look good, and want their weight loss to be complimented. A friend lost a huge amount of weight and getting regular compliments was very important to her, if she didn't get them she would fish for them. She's not me, I'm not her. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on our society's obsession with body shape, thinness, and widespread boundary-crashing wrt commenting on other people's bodies. I'm not convinced it's entirely gendered, though it's worse for women, like most things. To me the bigger problem is some kind of blurring between morality and thinness - and the judgement that goes with it.

Having said that: Pretty much everything about a woman's appearance tends to be treated as a moral expression, with the world and her husband feeling entitled to remark on it. After losing a lot of weight once, I got very sick of people going approvingly "You've changed!" Er, no, not me, just my shape. And do you have be so thrilled that I've 'changed'? Was I so crap before??

You needed some retort to the man who asked you. if he's fat say - would you like some tips.

The fact for the first time in history more people are over weight than starving on this planet and almost half British people are now overweight is not really a gender issue. People just eat too much of the wrong foods.

i go to SW and we have a bloke in our class who has lost a LOT.
He put a comment up on the groups fb page saying that he disagreed that men find it easier to lose weight than women.
I pointed out that i lost 9 stone 12 pounds ten years ago but that my weight loss slowed down towards the end because i went on the contraceptive injection which is something men dont have to worry about.
Then right at the very end he said that he was diabetic. Well if he had said that at the start instead of drip feeding it perhaps i wouldnt have said what i did. His wife is on the plan too and then he mentioned that she felt she still had a bit of a tummy. I dont know that id want my dh mentioning that whether it was my feeling or not.I also mentioned that my DH has pie sausage and chips 3 times a month and 2 wagon wheels a day and has lost 11 pounds which kind of ruined his argument that men do not find it easier to lose weight than women. Apparently my comments didnt go down too well.I didnt think of the alcohol argument until last night unfortunately.
If men and women are physiologically the same then why do health guidelines stipulate that women have to have less units a week than men.
Thats the argument i will be using if anyone starts on me because of what i said on fb.

why do health guidelines stipulate that women have to have less units a week than men

Because women's bodies hold a higher percentage of water - also that some alcohol-related diseases progress more quickly in women due to enzyme composition.

Men and women are not physiologically the same (obviously!) but neither are all men the same as each other. Men's higher muscle ratio and lower proportion of water-retaining fat cells should make it easier for men to burn energy - but, as you pointed out to that chap, other factors come into play such as diabetes in his case. A woman who does a lot of muscle-building exercise can burn energy faster than a man with underdeveloped muscles.

garlic I thought it was men who have higher % of water and women have higher % of fat and that's why for the alochol rather than vice versa

I think it is the case though that the recommended limits thing was just dreamt out by a chap in westminster who put down what sounded about right.

I might have got that wrong! Thanks ... And yes, about the chap in westminster (who seems to keep changing his mind.)

Maybe I need to look into it more.
It's something to do with fat and water anyway

Thanks for the feedback. I don't think I generally have problems with compliments, but there was a distinct undertone to this conversation which is difficult to convey in t'interweb.

He has been known to "rate" women in the office before and this was his way of letting me know that I had moved from one category - unfuckable to (in his opinion) fuckable and was surprised that I didn't find this complimentary.

I was just outraged at the idea that women in the office (the world) only exist for his perusal and judgement and he felt that expressing this judgement was appropriate/acceptable.

It sounds like he think like you have lost weight for his benefit.

The alcohol-units thing is a load of made-up bullshit, which is kind of obviousfrom the fact that it states different limits for men and women regardless of body shape and size. There are great big women and tiny little men, thinner people, fatter people etc who are all going to be differently affected by alcohol.

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from. Some years ago I gained quite a lot of weight and then lost it again (with no conscious effort or decision; gained the weight when miserable, lost it when I got skint and was therefore walking everywhere and eating fewer burgers). And people used to make remarks to me which irritated me to the point that I would sometimes snap, 'How do you know I'm not terminally ill?'
Because, after all, dramatic wieght loss can be a visible symptom of a serious illness, not an indicator of 'virtue'. And the abuse generally meted out to fat women does have something to do with misogyny - women are supposed to deny themselves food, not just to be fuckable but because men should be fed first and fed most, a woman eating for pleasure and eating as much as she wants is not deferring to men enough.

this is taken from a magazine article that ive kept.

" when i achieved my 3 st weight loss goal one female friend seemed to take every oppurtunity to put me down in front of other people criticising my clothes or the way i spoke. Another friend became distant and didnt seem to be up for nights out like before.
And a male colleague who i trusted suddenly started to respond to me in an unwanted sexual way. At a work do he behaved like a real creep telling me that " i "would" now.It was horrendous. Everywhere i went conversations would centre on how id done it,how good i looked. Being constantly judged made me feel uneasy and eight months later id regained every pound id lost."
From an article titled "scared of slim which was in the December issue of Red last year.

I can see why you're pissed off. Just have a polite but abrupt answer: 'I did it for my health' will do.

For what it is worth, I think it is perfectly valid-and necessary- to keep within a healthy weight. NOT sexism, this. Just good sense.

I am not sure I disagree with the alcohol units guidelines. Most women do tend to be physically different from men, and the advice is just general guidelines only. So I don't see it as sexism.

carer I lost a lot of weight years ago, and have put it all back on with extras. I felt more vulnerable and 'visible' at a smaller weight.

Being heavy may put me in the 'unfuckable' category, but it feels safe IYSWIM.

Sunny when i lost my weight i had a long term affair. (i am in a sexless marriage) which is why this next statement also resonated with me as well.

"When you shed the excess pounds you lose the protection the extra weight has provided.
If you are in a relationship you may find the the new attention upsets or even threatens your partner
On the other hand if you are not happy in that relationship you may feel it opens up the possibility you could leave your partner which can feel uncomfortable and make you want to revert back to the safety of your old self"
also taken from the same article.

That's scarily accurate Carer.

I would go with something like 'i lost weight for my health, not to give you something to oggle in the office thank you very much'
I reckon that's about the right side of 'banter' while still getting the point across.