What is a Feminist?

[TheSinglePringle]

What exactly is a feminist? I seriously don't know and would like to.

What comments do you get that don't bother you?

Feminism has nowt to do with bra burning and hair growing. Not in 2012. Most feminists wear bras (although there was a thread recently that asked why that was) and loads shave their legs/armpits, wax or whatever, and have jolly fantastic swishy haircuts. And wear make up. But there are also a few threads on beauty customs and how much women do to their bodies because they feel they have to conform to society's expectations. So some feminists choose to stop doing x,y or z. And some decide to carry on doing x,y, or z even though they understand that they are only required to do x,y or z because they are a woman (dyeing hair, shaving legs etc) but know that women who rebel in such a way might run into opposition for not toeing the line.

Have you noticed any difference in the way you are treated because you are now a mother? (ie wrt to work - maybe dp/dh expects you to take the day off if ds is sick? Maybe you are the main wage earner and dp is a sahd? You may have experienced a biased expectation on terms of which parent should be expected to provide child care and domestic labour (either from friends or family or more widely in terms of differences in maternity and paternity rights). It's a little early for you to have experienced job related gender differences such as losing out on promotions, or even wrestling internally with whether to do for a promotion in terms of internalised expectations surrounding your now joint role as a mother and worker? Does dp/dh see that your role has changed now that you are parents? Does he spend 1 on 1 time with ds whilst you do other things?

(I'm assuming dp/dh is male as usually people with same sex partners have had to face gender and sexual inequality head on way before 21, whereas for heterosexual couples inequality often doesn't become obvious until later. And even then is so wrapped up in 'norms' that it can be quite heavily entrenched before you suddenly wake up and go 'dang! How did that happen? I was liberated, man!'

I know nothing about your life though.

I also wanted to say that many many feminists are sahm. so that doesn't excuse you.

Generally, if you believe men and women should be treated equally and have equal rights, you are a feminist. Whether you believe that all fems are hairy bra burners, and whether you identify as one personally, or not.

I don't have dp or a dh its just me and my son hence my name

I do think men and women should be treated equally but I thought everyone woman/man would belive that too as I don't see why there is a difference just because of the sex.

I am not a hairy bra burner btw (mainly because i cannot afford to be wasting money on bras to burn)

I have read threads about things on here that i didn't know before and reading through some has made me start to rethink the past 6 year and how I have dealt with certain things

Hi SingleP: welcome to the board. There is nothing wrong with not knowing anything about feminism but wanting to know more. This is great place to learn, although you had better be ready to do some reading! There really is no substitute to doing your own investigation and making your own mind up about things.

Anyway, you have repeatedly mentioned an unpleasant incident that happened when you were 15. If you feel up to it, perhaps you could tell us a bit about it and we could give you some answers to the questions you have from a feminist perspective. I get the feeling that this is really your motive for being interested in the board. (i'm not saying this to criticize you or oblige you to speak, just to observe what appears to me reading).

Hello SinglePringle. Someone I know teaches politics at uni. He quotes this definition to his classes: "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people too."

It really is very simple. It's just about equality. As far as I'm concerned, every right thinking person should be a feminist. Most people are, but are afraid of the label. I like the Caitlin Moran definition above, except I am adamant that men should be feminists too! It is about allowing woman to make their own decisions and take charge of their own life.

A simple exercise to help develop your understanding of feminism is to look at situations in everyday life and ask yourself, am I being treated any differently because I am a woman? And ask the same question of situations you see around you. Would a man be treated differently, given more status, paid more, etc? Am I being exploited or shown less respect when a man in this situation wouldn't be?

As a young woman I hope you can feel free to embrace this way of thinking, as there is much less awareness of feminism now than there was when I was your age. I hope you can talk to your friends about it and spread the word. Everyone should be a feminist! Tell all your friends!

Hi SinglePringle. It doesn't surprise me that as a 21 year old woman you don't have much understanding of feminism. It's kept well hidden from women, especially young women these days.

It is quite funny however that you brought up the burning bras thing, because it's a myth about something that happened probably 20 years before you were born. It's peculiar how that particular story has stuck.

Feminism is either (depending on how far you want to go) getting equality with men, or getting liberation from men. We certainly aren't equal yet - men hold the majority of power - political social and economic - to the detriment of us and our interests. We are oppressed by them - they inflict massive amounts of violence on us as a group year in year out across the world, in order to maintain our second class position to them.

Have you never wondered why most politicians or business people are men, or why women still earn so much less than men, or are herded into pink collar ghettos? Then there's the pinkification of little girls - turning them into pretty, pink little objects, who will grow up to be no threat to the male status quo. If you look around, there is inequality wherever you look.

Are these issues ever something you've thought about?

Thank you for all the replies.

CIH- I was raped a few times by a boyfriend. I didn't tell anyone at the time because stupidly I believed it wasn't rape as we were in a relationship. It wasn't till I got with another partner that I realised it wasn't normal.

My new partner found out and had me go to the police. He was charged and then it was dropped due to hardly any evidence. Though policeman who dealt with it said they could tell he was guilty but that wasn't enough.

Going through that made me wary of men. Then dragging it up damaged the relationship I believe as I felt I was 15 again.

Should probably name change now but I'm fed up off hiding from it.

This is why I came here.

Thanks for sharing your experience SinglePringle. That's horrible that a man you trusted could abuse your body and betray you so badly. I'm really sorry you went through that. And it's such a depressing shame the charge was dropped.

I don't have time to post more at the moment, but you will get loads of support on here and hopefully tools to help you understand what happened and why it happened (and that it wasn't in any way your fault).

SingleP: I suspected something like this from what you had been saying. I am very sorry that this happened to you and sorry that you had to go through the trauma of a police report for it to come to nothing . There are lots of wonderful women on this board who have been through similar things (myself included) and you will always find someone to talk to about it if you want. If you don't want to you can always do a search through the board for threads on the subject and you will find lots of good advice and information that might be useful for you.
Finally, there is no need to change your name unless you really want to. What happened to you is not something that is shameful for you, only for the person who did it to you. Obviously this easy for me to say; but you do say you are fed up of hiding, so I thought i'd say it anyway.
You sound like you are being very strong.

Pringle, I just want to echo what the others have said. This is a very supportive and understanding place to help you understand and work through what happened to you.

Sexual violence towards women (and girls) is a terrible, terrible thing. Three female members of my family have been raped or sexually abused, and only one of these cases made it to court. There are a lot of people with these kinds of experiences who can support you and identify with what you are going through. I hope that reading threads and talking to people on Mumsnet can help you get stronger. There are lots of good people here for you when you need it.

And like Cat said above, it is him who should be ashamed and hide. You have done absolutley nothing wrong. Hold your head high and tell yourself that no man is going to mess with you like that ever again!

Thank you for replying. Im not going to name change as I would like to be able to talk to people and maybe help others.

Nothing has happened since but it did possibly lead to the break down of relationship with my sons father as now and again the feelings would come back and I'd suddenly and stupidly think he could be capable of also doing it to me. He never did and I knew he never would but when the tiniest bit of doubt appeared I would push him away.

I'be never really spoke about it to anyone so when came across this forum I thought I would have a nosey and saw there was a few threads about the topic.

Thank you again for replying

Hello TheSinglePringle and welcome.

I'm very sorry to hear of what your ex did to you. I think a lot of women come to feminism because they have been treated appalling by a man/men. It helps to find out that other women have had similar experiences and that it isn't just you - that there is a pattern to these things and that that pattern has been noticed and analysed by a group of women called feminists. And that they try to do something about it to help women.

Look forward to seeing you around the board

Hi Single Pringle - welcome. Please dont feel a thick twat - we all learn. IMO the definition of feminism is 'the belief that women matter just as much as men do'.

it is a hard pill to swallow when you wake up and realise the oppression out there - so many people (including women) just ignore it and pretend it isnt happening.

I am sorry about your past experiences. You are right not to name change - you have done nothing wrong.

You will find this board supportive. I am an older feminist so probably am old enough to be your mother so here you are - a huge hug!!!!! keep it in your heart. Remember, you are an amazing woman - we all are on here!