Feminist help/persepectives on 'PND'

[evenfishbreathe]

I have namechanged for this.

When my DS was about 5 months old I finally spoke to the HV about what I thought was PND partly out of a sense of desperation and partly in the hope she could help. The set questions she had to ask made little sense to me in the sense that I did not see how I could provide an accurate answer to them. But the HV thought that I would benefit from some help. I refused from the outset to go down the 'GP route' - that is bascially, to see the doctor who would probably provide anti-depressents. The HV was quite lovely about it all and said she would just come and see me once a week for a talk. I was grateful that she tried to respond to my needs and respect my wishes and, more out of a desire to be polite rather than anything else, I went ahead and saw her for an hour for a week for some weeks until I pretended I felt better.

The thing is that I am miserable in my life at this time. I don't really enjoy any of it. I have a young - pre verbal non-potty trained - child who demands my full attention every second of the day he is awake and with me. My partner works away all week. I do put my child into nursery two days a week whilst I work but would love to relinquish some of that grinding relentless responsibility for getting up/getting dressed/cleaning/playing/cooking/washing etc. etc. I have no relatives any where near me and the only friends I really feel comforatable to ask to babysit are already busy with their own kids. The whole thing is grindingly, mind numbingly relentless, and unthanking. On the plus side, I only had to go through six months of severe sleep deprivation [grim smile emoticon].

I think that my reaction to this situation is entirely sane. Yes, it may also be linked to chemical/hormonal changes but, to me at least, I do not think that makes my reaction any less sensible - for want of a better word. If you put a cat in a bucket of cold water for half an hour and it caught a cold, the cold itself is a real illness. But it was caused by putting the cat in a bucket of cold water (I do hope this bit makes sense).

I am beginning to suspect that my feminism might be my 'problem'. I do want to feel more positive about my life. After all, this too shall pass. It is only a stage etc etc. But I am highly reluctnat to think that I am wrong or abnormal because my situation has made me feel a certain way. In fact, I seem incapable of accepting that. It simply doesn't feel true to me.

I would love to hear what you feMNists think. Any suggestions, comments etc would be great.

I am also thinking about "there's a space between PND/no-PND that isn't acknowledged and needs to be"

It is weird how unsympathetic HCPs, family, and society in general are towards mothers who are having a hard time, unless they have been given a diagnosis of PND. It is almost as though it is unacceptable to struggle, to not enjoy being the mother of a small child, and therefore there is pathology, rather than a natural result of striving to meet impossible demands.

It is taboo to discuss the lack of freedom, the unrelenting pressure, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the boredom. And women who experience that think we are alone.

Have you read Aminatta Forna's book ' mother of all myths'. FWICR it has a section on cross cultural comparisond of postnatal experiences. tbh given how horrendous our society makes the experience of motherhood, esp early motherhood, I'm only surprised the PND rate isn't far off 100%.

Hi again all.
Just to say, thank you again for all of your posts. I woke up at five this morning and couldn't get back to sleep because i was just dreading the day starting. But, despite that, I think your posts have all really helped. I think about them and it seems to take the edge of off things a bit. At the very least it gives me something to focus on. It is a sort of conversation about my position that I can engage in honestly.

To those who suggested reading, I will track down those books. Thanks for the tips, it is a field I am not yet familiar with. I think perhaps they might help in the sense that they might me feel less alone - or, a little bit justified (not that helpful, I know).

I really liked the idea about thinking about practical ways to manage what I shall now call 'the gap between PND and non PND'. Equal Pay, childcare, sharing of domestic tasks. An economy which allowed for and made use of people's desire to work less than full-time without being considered a slacker ready for the chop. It made me want to shout, 'Come on Sisters, Let's start a Women's Liberation Movement.' Truly though, I find that train of thought slightly disheartening. Lots of the women who helped to give birth to that movement felt - I imagine - a lot like I do now (I only feel slightly ashamed for not having taken their descriptions of their experiences of motherhood more seriously before becoming a mother myself. Really, even though I was the oldest child of a pack and so not an unexperienced carer, and even though I knew that the myth of happy motherhood was far from reality, I was still caught out). Forty years on and although a lot has changed, so little seems to have changed. What's the problem??????

To try and clarify about what I mean about feminism being my 'problem'. If I am honest I am not properly sure but that doesn't stop me drawing that conclusion. I think Prolesworth and WhoIsthatMaskedWoman hit on it best. The way I see things does seem at variance with how a lot of other people see them. When the HV used to see me I just wanted to say (and perhaps I even said) 'If the state/NHS is willing to spend money on your being here and talking to me, or on medication to help my 'PND', why not spend the money on some childcare provision or centres for parents(mostly mothers in truth) and children. In fact, instead of coming here for an hour a week to talk with me in the hope that I will start to feel 'better', why don't you come and look after the baby for an hour a week whilst I go out for an hour and have some time for me. Or, an hour's sleep wouldn't go amiss. Actually, if you sent a babysitter instead of your good and highly trained expensive self, I could have two hours off. I wanted - although certainly did not - to lend my HV Freidan's Feminist Mystique. I felt like I was being moulded to fit and accept my situation. There was no sense that anything was being done to help me in the sense that I wanted help. Seriously, if they are willing to spend the money trying to make me 'fit' why not spend the money on stuff that I think would help me?

As I said though, my HV was quite lovely and was doing everything she could see that was possible to respond to my wishes and to respect my needs . At times like this, you are right TheButterflyEffect being a feminist can be a lonely business. I find myself frequently in conversations with people who I geuinely like and respect and they just come out with something so - in my view - anti-women but I feel too tired to try and explain it all, the whole feminist thing. Moreover, and worse still, I have found that a lot of fellow mothers who grumble about the whole motherhood thing think that it is the feminsts who are to blame for having ruined it for them what with all that pesky equal rights business.

That's all for now, apologies for not having answered all the great points raised in this thread but this is quite a ramble as it is.

I would type more but Im totally knackered from bad sleep deprivation with 2 kids who seem to actively dislike sleep.

I also haven't read the whole thread properly but I wanted to say you sound like I feel - check out Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality by Rebecca Asher. I found it extremely thought provoking and she discusses the idea that we shouldn't medicate women for what is an extremely sensible response to the stimulus - ie feeling like you do because of being a parent to a young child (is what I think she means) made me feel a bit better anyway.