Thanks x
I know, I hate all the myths perpetrated, the Belle du Jour stuff etc. The way it's sold as an 'edgy' and easy way to make money, and about sex itself. It's not about sex, it's about power. Power to purchase consent from someone who otherwise would not be consenting. It's bad enough to buy consent from someone who is naive and "trying it out", but even worse to buy consent from someone who is obviously in desperate need of the money (and that doesn't put sex buyers off as much as you would think - even the "nice" ones rationalize it as well I helped her, I gave her money,oh look I'm a good samaritan! - but you still took the sex she was obviously being traumatized by providing - if you could afford it why not just give her the money)
I did it for 4 years,and the myths are just that - myths. Although I have no actual 'research paper evidence' I did meet and know a lot of other women in the industry.
It's not about sex. At all. You can't enjoy the sex after your first few "bad" punters - and that happens pretty fast. You just shut off from your body or learn tricks to get them to hurry up.
I saw scores and scores of (usually young) women enter the industry through agencies I worked for thinking it's all glitz and glamour, and when the reality hits them, they (thankfully) usually get out fast and try to forget the short-lived experience. They last about 1 day to a couple of weeks or months.
The VAST MAJORITY of women I knew (including myself) who stayed longer than that had suffered abuse as a child or rape/sexual assault as an adult, or feelings of worthlessness so it had been 'normalized' to us. The other reason is drug addiction. I don't make that up. Before I got involved I would have myself scoffed at the stats of a high percentage of prostitutes having a history of abuse or rape, but if you are in a marginalized group you often get close to others in the same boat and share histories etc. I heard stories of pasts similar to my own time and time and time again. So I would believe those statistics to be true.
It's not glamorous in the slightest - STIs, rough customers, they don't take you to dinner or bring gifts or take you on holidays or tip - this hardly ever happens. It's all about sex and looks. You don't make that much money in reality because a) to be so called "high class" and attract longer bookings and a higher fee you need to be able to receive in a high-class apartment, be perfect looking with hair extensions, nails, tan, designer make up and lingerie,gym toned body etc and all this maintenance costs a fortune! (I never bothered with it but know some who did). Otherwise you will just be at 'average' or low prices.And
b) EVERYBODY is waiting to take a healthy cut of the money you have made - the 'managers', 'landlords' too,security staff, advertisers. A short booking (which most customers go for) is average £50 ,and we had to pay out £90 per day to ads, premises and security before we could bring home anything. These are essential, although the landlords, security and ads charge well over 'normal' rates because they know you need them. So you've had sex with 2 strangers for £10! or 3 for £60. You need to work ALOT and therefore endure a lot to make much money. I once had a pimp/landlord who was very threatening, charged me £50 A DAY(!) for rent of his room in a grotty area,no legal contract, and would hound me for the 'rent' if I was off sick, try to corner me and try to kiss/touch me when he came round. Parasites like this know they can get away with it because they know it's very hard to find an indoor place to work from and agencies take an even bigger cut. I am the last person you would think would be the sort to 'allow' myself to be controlled/borderline-pimped like that. I have never touched drugs apart from twice when I was 16, and hardly drink,although I can see how a habit would vastly get worse to try and block out the prostitution. All of this much more common than people realize. Punters know this, they comment on it, but don't care unless they themselves may be at risk of harm or arrest. The main reason they won't go to the street is because they may get arrested now (since 2007 I think), NOT because it is wrong to have sex with someone who is doing it purely from a desperate drug situation and therefore paying to have her give up her consent from a position of desperation!
There is no humanity involved. Even your regular customers which you made the mistake of thinking were decent, will try to get everything they can out of you and sooner or later start really pushing your boundaries. I remember once being off really ill for a month and a lot of my regular customers would phone and text incessantly, not to see how I was getting on, but just to try and persuade me to see them anyway, trying to manipulate things by hinting to book elsewhere. One when I replied sorry I will be off very ill for another week sent constant sex-texts describing things and getting increasingly aggravated when I didn't reply in a similar vein. Like how dare I be ill ,I must "make it up to him" he said (yuk).
Although not as common indoors, attacks and beatings still happen quite frequently. I was hurt badly enough to bleed or have marks and bruises or strangling on average about every 6 months. Most women who have been in the business for a while will have been attacked or at least had someone attempt attack a few times.
I lost my ability to trust people, to open up to people, living a separate life with 2 identities and lying to loved ones is not easy, sex outwith work was full of squirming at being touched, and being hyper-vigilant or strange numb sensations in the body - it just felt like rape (even if it wasn't), closeness impossible. It is really hard to describe - like depersonalization.
I sometimes feel angry like today and motivated to try and help the situation and others still in it,like someone else said - to try to smash the myths about the sex industry. I think criminalization of buyers of sex, and decriminalizing the sale of sex would be a good thing. I am however aware that such a law could cause safety to suffer since the buyers will obviously demand more hidden venues etc. Perhaps criminalize the buyers, decriminalize those who sell sex, but keep a very close eye on patterns/areas etc,continue harm reduction and safety courses for those involved and proper exiting support. At the moment exiting support programs are badly under-funded,although they were invaluable support for me and others
At other times I feel sad and like I will never regain my "whole" identity or an ability to have a romantic/couple relationship,never change my views of men when I desperately want to change those views because I know it's not right to write off and be mistrusting of 50% (or is it 49%) of the population. I don't want to be that kind of person - a 'hater'.
Often though I feel contented and happy and lucky for the people I have and that I'm 'out' and the world seems a much more colourful place.
That was huge rant-like post again! Ran away with itself. oops!
I agree it's good to have other narratives though to balance/combat the media image of all the belle du jour stuff. It has helped me immensely to read the (more coherent!) writings of others who have had the same experiences of the industry as myself and know I'm not crazy to feel the way I do about it.