The "Psycho Girlfriend" Trope

[HengshanRoad]

I've always been suspicious of people who talk about "psycho girlfriends" or ex-girlfriends. Most often, their behaviour seems to be a reaction to dickish men. And strangely, since it is more likely to be men that are truly "psycho" (and please note, this is not a word I ever use personally, due to its negative connotations for people with mental health issues), men seem to escape this label, no matter what sort of harm they cause to their girlfriends or wives.

The "psycho girlfriend" seems to be another unjust way of putting women down and making the whole gender seem unhinged. In my experience, it is almost exclusively due to men's lack of bravery when ending a relationship. The accusation was levelled at me on one occasion when I sent a couple of text messages to a guy who had suddenly and inexplicably cut contact. If he had simply had the guts to tell me he didn't want to see me again, I would have let it go.

And why is it that constant phonecalls, gifts, over-attention etc. are hallmarks of the "psycho girlfriend" but also of the romantic, attentive boyfriend?

[Wamster]

Think you'll find that should be unanalytical, chattygirl.
HTH.

[charitygirl]

Why not try not 'discussing' Edd? Just READ. Try some feminist blogs, read feminist books, watch feminist chat threads. You'll end up with more to say, even if you remain antagonistic and determined to prove feminism wrong, or, at least, that we're 'doing it wrong'.

And garlicnutty - there are repeated threads on here about the recent level of discourse, the amount of derailing, and the time taken up by posters like edd. I don't actually consider edd to be a troll, although i know definitions vary. But I do hate to see posters I respect bang their heads against brick walls. It's their choice of course. Just a rant from me.

[HereBeBolloX]

But sometimes people enjoy banging their heads on brick walls.

[charitygirl]

I know HereBeBollox! And you know, you do provide a valuable service to onlookers...

[Wamster]

It's really ironic you accusing people of derailment of a thread, charitygirl, considering that this is precisely what you are doing now. edd's comments and my comments may not be what everybody wishes to discuss but they are at least in some way on topic, yours are just blatant 'forget this thread, let's slag off edd and wamster.

Why not start your own thread to do that elsewhere?

[edd1337]

I have read many articles by biting beaver, some I agree with some not

[charitygirl]

Fair enough wamster, you're right on that at least.

Adieu.

[Wamster]

Yep, that is me, charitygirl, shit at feminism; hot on irony.

[Wamster]

Apologies about cheap shot with unalytical. Cheap shot, uncalled for.

[Wamster]

I'm trying to view this from a feminist perspective, OK, I still think that calling somebody a 'psycho ex' needs to be taken at face value and needs more evidence. I also think that once somebody has said 'I don't want you anymore' to pursue it further may be counter productive and that ultimately a person has the right to end a relationship without being harrassed over it too much. Again, 'too much' is subjective.

But, I suppose that women are more likely to be labelled 'psycho exes' when men are not because women are not supposed to be assertive so when a man says: 'We've been together 5 years, I deserve an explanation', people tend to agree with him. When a woman says it, perhaps people will accept that an explanation is in order but she should not be as strident as getting an explanation because it is not 'nice' for women to be strident about such things.

I'm guilty of this train of thought. It's wrong, I see that.

[AlwaysStandup]

i was sexually assulted by a man who applied great pressure to my pelvic bones via my vagina when he was very drunk.

afterwards he was in completely in denial. because he could not deal with his actions. but he has to make sense of it in his mind. so he said i was a psycho & making it up.

it was a mental shortcut for him. i had an infection and was in lot of pain for about 2 years afterwards. i felt very sane throughout it. it was a very bad time but it is in the past.

he will spend the rest of his life having to keep telling himself...kidding himself... nothing happened. i think deep down he knows what happened but is too weak to deal with it. i think he knows that he was the psycho but cannot cope with it so transfers it to me. afters he projected a venemous hatred to me. i think this is the hatred he feels for himself.

i hope to never suffer a pain like the pain i felt then. it was a very dark time. but inside myself i found something very strong. a relentless drive to get back to life. the trying was like crawling in mud and trying to pull myself up. failing and falling & having to start crawling. again. again. again. again. but i never stopped tring to stand back up again & once day i realised i had.

[garlicnutty]

Oh, Standup, that's horrible. Poor you - and congrats!

Wamster - congrats on your 19:47 post.

[Wamster]

The idea of it being a mental shortcut is I think very, very perceptive and accurate. There is truth there.

Oh yes, garlicnutty, I am guilty of this and so is the rest of society. Men get away with more 'strident' behaviour that a woman who did the same would not.
'Oh well she cheated on him, he had a right to smash the house up. He was frustrated, see'. I'd hope thing had progressed to the point where smashing his wife up was no longer acceptable, but I am not sure. A woman who did the same may not get the same understanding if she did the same.

Is it because of a sense that men own women but not the other way around? Is it because men are forgiven because of their hormones? I don't know; but that is the way it seems to me, anyway.

[AlwaysStandup]

with the house smashing scenario:
if she does the smashing, she is mental. no wonder he cheated on her.
if he does the smashing, she drove him to it.

[HereBeBolloX]

Standup that's awful and I'm glad you've come through it.

Yes you're right, lots of this "she was psycho" stuff is projection. It's a way of victim-blaming - you know your behaviour is outrageous, so if you can "other" the other person by making her psychologically disturbed, it transfers attention on them instead of on you.

[garlicnutty]

Good example, Wamster. I think most on here would agree to "a sense that men own women but not the other way around".

Hormones would make a lousy excuse, given the amount of effort expended on blaming PMT for women's justifiable anger!

[Wamster]

Well, I can't disagree with anybody since my last post, that's a first. In fact, not just being in mild agreement but, more than that, postively agree plus plus. Yes, no doubt that when it comes to the 'psycho ex' thing men are forgiven more stuff than women.

[garlicnutty]

[Ummmmmmmmmmmm]

As this prompted me to start a thread (with a very lengthy op), your thoughts please

[AlwaysStandup]

i think it is about controlling women generally. dont be like that one.

it is also about assigning women the role of victim. mad woman.

[Wamster]

This reminds me of an ex-boyfriend and his relationship with his sister. Don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy, but the story seemed to be that his sister (who was only a few years older) couldn't get away with the stuff he did. A lot of the stuff he did was just naughty boy behaviour, if she did the same, she would be given a row for it.
She'd be told: 'We expect better of you'.

So in a funny kind of way, society perhaps thinks it is paying women a compliment by expecting better behaviour from them (?) But is it not better to take the attitude that there should be no excuses for abusive, bad behaviour in both sexes? OK, my ex was-in all fairness- just being a child, but why should he get away with it and not his sister?

She grew up to be a rabid feminist, btw, wonder why

[TheRealTillyMinto]

next time i hear a women described in psycho terms, i am going to ask more questions.

i saw a quote recently: if you ever think you might be depressed, first check you are not just surrounded as arseholes.

it follows: if you ever hear a woman described as a psycho, first check she is not just dealing with an arsehole