The "Psycho Girlfriend" Trope

[HengshanRoad]

I've always been suspicious of people who talk about "psycho girlfriends" or ex-girlfriends. Most often, their behaviour seems to be a reaction to dickish men. And strangely, since it is more likely to be men that are truly "psycho" (and please note, this is not a word I ever use personally, due to its negative connotations for people with mental health issues), men seem to escape this label, no matter what sort of harm they cause to their girlfriends or wives.

The "psycho girlfriend" seems to be another unjust way of putting women down and making the whole gender seem unhinged. In my experience, it is almost exclusively due to men's lack of bravery when ending a relationship. The accusation was levelled at me on one occasion when I sent a couple of text messages to a guy who had suddenly and inexplicably cut contact. If he had simply had the guts to tell me he didn't want to see me again, I would have let it go.

And why is it that constant phonecalls, gifts, over-attention etc. are hallmarks of the "psycho girlfriend" but also of the romantic, attentive boyfriend?

[Wamster]

What don't they agree with, LRD? Do feminists believe that a person has a right to end a relationship without being pestered by the 'dumped' as to why way beyond that which may be considered reasonable?

Because here is me thinking that feminists fought for the right of people to end relationships without being harrassed by the person they have ended things with.

[Lessthanaballpark]

Honestly Wamster, you do like to twist things don't you?

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

I've told you why I disagree wamster. So have others. If you don't understand, is there a specific problem w've not covered? It seems to me you're asking teh same question that's already been answered.

I think you've got a funny view of feminism, tbh, but perhaps you're thinking of a feminism text I've not read, it's quite likely.

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

bombay - yes, exactly.

[nenevomito]

Not everyone who refers to their ex as a psycho was pestered after the break up.

There are a group of men who when asked how or why they broke up with their ex, they reply that it was because they were a psycho.

In terms of my ex: I asked "why did you and your wife break up" - His reply "She was a psycho, she was on ADs, had mental health problems, accused me of all sorts." Her reply (via mutual friends) "He lost it one night, pushed me down the stairs and kicked the shit out of me."

When asked about why he and I broke up - I was apparently a deranged psycho who was manipulative and damaged and yada yada. My reason for breaking up with him was because he decided to go and sleep with someone else and rub my face in it.

As it happens neither me or his ex pestered, called, text or visited him after our break ups as we didn't want to go anywhere near him. However he described us as psychos.

In those terms, the problem was with him, but it was very easy of him to dismiss what had happened by putting the blame on us being mentally unstable in some way rather than the fact that he was an abusive cheat.

No one here is advocating a woman's right to pester someone after a breakup. They are pointing out that some men will describe their ex's as psychos rather than accept responsibility for their own actions - and society is willing to believe them.

[Wamster]

babyheave Fair comment. I see that in your case your ex was just using a convenient label to slander his exes.
Some people, though, really do have 'psycho exes' . So the term can be used by non-abusive people who are (perhaps being a bit un-PC) genuinely describing somebody who really is unhinged and those who are just deflecting blame from themselves- as in the case with your ex deflecting blame from himself.

[garlicnutty]

True story.

A very beautiful woman meets a rich, handsome man. He's an adventurous type. She joins in his adventures - physical, cultural and sexual. They get married. She spends all his money, mostly on clothes and beauty treatments. She announces she's not really adventurous and was just pretending because she loved him so much. He's disappointed. He's even more disappointed when he finds out she has continued to be sexually adventurous after all, just not so much with him. She's a high-ranking professional but expects her H to fund all her expeditures, down to putting petrol in her car. If he doesn't, she flies into a massive rage.

They're now divorced. Apart from some bitter wrangling over terms and childcare arrangements, neither partner has harassed the other. I'd describe her as a "psycho" ex, although the psycho-ness occurred before the split - not as a consequence of it.

.
Another true story.

A woman marries a distant and moody man. His distance increases after marriage, when he also begins to criticise her publicly and, in private, to accuse her of mental instability. He rapes her several times and, she finds out, is frequently unfaithful. The marriage doesn't last long but, on divorce, he refuses to sign the financial agreement.

Her only alternative to making herself homeless is to allow her ex to control her finances for a further 3 years, at his insistence. During this time he re-marries, telling his new wife the first one won't leave him alone. She is obviously characterised as the psycho ex.

The only one of these four people who fits wamster's depiction of a "psycho ex" is the second husband. And yet, he's not the one being called a psycho!

[edd1337]

The reality there Garlic is that from story one she would not let him see the kids and still make him pay

Seems like a psycho ex to me

[garlicnutty]

No, she didn't use the kids as leverage. Interesting that you assumed so.

[edd1337]

Don't say it doesn't happen, because it does

[Wamster]

garlicnutty I would apply the 'psycho ex' label to the woman in story 1 and the man in story 2.

I have focussed on the being dumped aspect and people being entitled to dump without being pestered because the opening poster mentioned it in her opening post.

[HereBeBolloX]

" Apart from some bitter wrangling over terms and childcare arrangements, neither partner has harassed the other"

She hasn't mentioned that the wife stopped the hsuband seeing his kids. But in MRA land, that's what that sentence means.

Just pointing out what Edd is, for those who aren't paying attention...

FGS Mumsnet.

[edd1337]

Yawn... still giving the MRA crap out? Change the record lady

I'm talking about the reality of the situation. Scenario A is hardly hypothetical

[Wamster]

OK, maybe the woman in scenario 1 did not use children as leverage, but given that she sounds like an all round unpleasant person, I can't really blame edd1337 for thinking that maybe she did. Anybody would think the same, wouldn't make them an MRA.

[HereBeBolloX]

Still here Edd? Nice attempt at derailment, I hope no-one bites.

Back to the psycho ex thing -one useful thing about Edd's misogynist stereotype, is that psycho ex won't let me see the kids but I still ahve to pay thing - amazing common this psycho ex is in MRA land and down the pub with dodgy blokes and how many women are prepared to believe it.

that's a feminist issue.

[garlicnutty]

Edd, you told me that Wife A used the kids to continue to get money! I know them very well - she didn't. She wanted as much as she could get on divorce, freeing her up to find a new meal-ticket. It's rather odd that you claim to know her better than I do ...

[JeremyVile]

I didn't " think the same". Just sayin'

[edd1337]

Ah shit! Sorry I didn't read the top of the post properly Garlic

Herebollox there's no derailment or misogony. Yes i'm still here, live with it :)

[HereBeBolloX]

Only people who believe in sexist stereotypes of women would jump to that conclusion.

Feminists don't.

Feminists challenge those sexist stereotypes.

HTH

[Wamster]

HereBeBolloX, I find your labelling of edd1337 inappropriate. Given that the woman in scenario 1 cheats on her husband, tricks him, demands money of off him, and flies into massive rages it really is not too much off a leap of imagination to reach the opinion that she may use the children as leverage.

[HereBeBolloX]

Don't tell me to live with anything Edd.

You immediately assumed a misogynist stereotype.

A feminist who fights misogyny doesn't do that.