The "Psycho Girlfriend" Trope

[HengshanRoad]

I've always been suspicious of people who talk about "psycho girlfriends" or ex-girlfriends. Most often, their behaviour seems to be a reaction to dickish men. And strangely, since it is more likely to be men that are truly "psycho" (and please note, this is not a word I ever use personally, due to its negative connotations for people with mental health issues), men seem to escape this label, no matter what sort of harm they cause to their girlfriends or wives.

The "psycho girlfriend" seems to be another unjust way of putting women down and making the whole gender seem unhinged. In my experience, it is almost exclusively due to men's lack of bravery when ending a relationship. The accusation was levelled at me on one occasion when I sent a couple of text messages to a guy who had suddenly and inexplicably cut contact. If he had simply had the guts to tell me he didn't want to see me again, I would have let it go.

And why is it that constant phonecalls, gifts, over-attention etc. are hallmarks of the "psycho girlfriend" but also of the romantic, attentive boyfriend?

[edd1337]

Nothing bombay don't worry about it. I forgot Garlic said it was a true story. I thought it was hypothetical

[edd1337]

HereBeBollox, it's hardly a misogynist sterotype. Just google it and you'll see it happens

(Of course in your world it never happens)

Live with it :)

[HereBeBolloX]

I don't care what you find inappropriate Wamster.

HTH.

[HereBeBolloX]

It is a misogynist stereotype.

Stop telling me to live with it.

Feminists fight misogyny, we don't want to live with it. Coming on here and telling us we have to, is inappropriate.

[edd1337]

I'm telling you to live with me being here posting. Not dealing with other stuff

[HereBeBolloX]

I'm telling you to stop telling me to live with anything.

[garlicnutty]

Thanks for your comments on re-reading, edd and wamster.

I'm not getting into this "feminists vs mra" thing, due to the fact that any member can post and reply. I was a bit at your assumption there, edd, but at least we've established it was a stereotype and not useful to the thread.

Wife A, incidentally, annoys the hell out of me because she does use men and, as such, does a disservice to feminism.

[Wamster]

I think that you are out to shit stir, HereBeBollox, garlicnutty herself describes the woman in scenario 1 as being a 'psycho' ex.

It is not a leap of imagination at all to imagine that somebody who would do all the things described by garlicnutter would stop her husband seeing the children. We are not talking about a normal person.

I think your are being antagonistic to edd with no justification at all.

HTH.

[HereBeBolloX]

I'm sure Edd is grateful for your support Wamster.

[Wamster]

Maybe he is, maybe he is not.

I just don't get the when edd made the assumption that a woman who cheats on, lies to, and generally abuses her husband and is a bit of an all round user (according to garlicnutty and I'm taking her word for it) could also stop her husband seeing the kids.

If- which he did not- he had said it about the poor, abused woman in scenario 2- who let's face it was married to an abusive bastard- I too would be: .

But the woman in scenario 1 seems to be capable of using others for her own ends.

[HereBeBolloX]

Oh I'm never by anything edd says.

Back to the feminist analysis. I think this is where knowledge of the Bechdel tests comes in really handy. We are trained as a culture, to identify and empathise with men, not women. If we look at so many films, TV series etc., except in soaps, mostly men are the protagonists, the "real" characters as opposed to the sidekicks and their interests and perceptions get represented over and over again.

So when men tell women about their "psycho ex", it isn't that surprising, that many women swallow the story hook, line and sinker. We've been trained to see the world from men's POV and to see women the way men see them. Unfortunately, many of the men in charge of the media, with the power to commission films etc., have a really hostile view of women, so the view they present is a pretty negative one on a day to day basis. So when men tell us how awful women are, we believe them - after all, it backs up what we know from TV, film, popular culture etc.

[edd1337]

Unfortunately, many of the men in charge of the media, with the power to commission films etc., have a really hostile view of women, so the view they present is a pretty negative one on a day to day basis. So when men tell us how awful women are, we believe them - after all, it backs up what we know from TV, film, popular culture etc.

Try telling that to James Cameron and Riddley Scott

[HereBeBolloX]

2 men. Out of hundreds who control the industry.

Does everyone know the Bechdel test?

[Wamster]

I think that somebody who is blinded by lust will more readily accept a false 'psycho ex' label -but this applies to men and women- men can be led by their testes -as we all know. Well, lust and desire blinds us to things.

People not blinded by this, though, usually think: 'more evidence needed before judgement is made on this one . Is their ex really a psycho or are they the ones with the problems?'

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

HereBe - I'd never thought of it like that, but that makes a lot of sense.

[edd1337]

Then why is a show like Loose Women on the air? Lets not forget the writers and directors of films like Teeth and Day Of The Woman

[HereBeBolloX]

Oh dear at Loose Women.

That's true Wamster, lust, denial etc., will get people to overlook potential red flags. Especially when you're young and don't know very much about how awful people can be.

But I think women are encouraged to ignore red flags, or see them as acceptable or even romantic.

And that's where the feminist analysis comes in.

[Wamster]

I agree with you HereBeBolloX.
It may not be relevant but I think people just pay lip service to men who describe their exes as 'psychos'.
An example being this: I was out in a pub one night with some friends and overheard a conversation between three guys on the next table. One guy said his ex was nuts. The other guys just said nothing but vague, non-committal statements like 'oh it's awful to have a psycho ex'. When the guy left, one of the other guys said, 'I know his ex, she seems like a nice girl. He's a bit of an arsehole'.

Normally intelligent people (men and women) don't take a statement like that at face value.

[HereBeBolloX]

No one's said you're a silly little woman or implied it.

No one's denied your experience, you're projecting.

We're just acknowledging that just because the odd nutter is indeed out there, that's not an accurate representation of what "psycho ex" means when it's used in your average conversation.

[HereBeBolloX]

Yes I think there is something in that Wamster, people don't necessarily believe someone who describes a "psycho ex"

And I suppse the English are too polite to challenge someone on that description, they'd rather smile politely and make coo-ing noises and then bitch about them when they've gone.

But the very fact that the term "psycho ex" has entered the language, that people can declare they've got one and it's not considered a terribly shocking thing, just something we've all got tucked away somewhere, says a lot I think. And yet women, who are more likely to ahve a genuine psycho ex, do not talk about them - for fear of putting men off. If you talk about a psycho ex as a woman, you're suspected of being bitter and not having "moved on". Whereas a man will be more likely to get sympathetic cluckings, even if no-one really believes his ex is psycho.

[AmberLeaf]

I think that Wamster is missing the point, its the so called 'psycho exes' that arent told they have been dumped not the ones who are told and keep calling/texting.

Men that dont have the balls to actually end a relationship and then when their unknowingly dumped girlfriend continues understandably to call/etc thats when 'psycho ex' gets bandied about.

Ive heard men use this term.....if you find out the other side of the story the woman is very much not psycho.

[edd1337]

Interesting post there Bombay, though I think you should have posted it in the DSK thread