Motherhood, fatherhood - why do parents give ourself such different job descriptions as parents....

[Himalaya]

.....when we would refuse to accept such a gendered division of responsibilities in any other walk of life?

I am trying to figure out how to frame this question right, without having the same old WOH vs SAH argument or getting into 'guilt tripping' about people's individual choices.

Feminism to me is in large part about equality of opportunity- getting rid of the assumption that someone should be better at something because they are male or female.

And yet becoming a mother or father shunts people into gender-defined roles. And the consensus seems to be that is ok, or that changing it is unrealistic.

Bringing up kids requires both supporting them financially and practically and emotionally. There are only 24 hours in the day so we have to make choices. There is no particular reason why a man should be better at the money earning bit and a woman at the caring bit (beyond breastfeeding).But most people still seem to voluntarily split their family responsibilities along traditional lines (either completely or partially) and many say they are happy that way.

Is that ok, or should it change, and if so how?

Actually thinking more about it - I did take time off for the hospital appts( scan and last trimester). 1st and 2nd trimester at gp clinic outside work hours. So I'll take back that post.

I'll forgive you for forgetting. I can't forget mine because there were so damn many of them because I had twins.

The irony is that I had a completely trouble-free pregnancy (apart from 6 horrific weeks of morning sickness) and was still walking 5 miles a day with the dog the day before going into labour. I really didn't need the special attention they kept giving me.

This is a really interesting discussion.

I'm pregnant with my first so I don't have any kids yet, but I can see among my friends that despite their intentions, they slip into the old gender roles. I think one major factor is it is the woman who carries the baby, gives birth to it and then has maternity leave. During this leave, the women often gets into the mothering role, and then sticks with it. Anecdotally, many women are happy with this, and after devoting on average 6 months mat leave to the baby, they often prefer to work part time (or sometimes give up work completely) so they can continue to spend more time with the baby. It's hard to say if this is instinct or just habit. Other friends have chosen to go back to full time work sooner and in those cases the gender roles are far less evident. The most important thing is that each couple is happy with the arrangements. What is very positive these days is that childcare is available so that women can go back to work if that's what they want.

I think modern day couples are lucky that they are more choices than in the past, even though there are still improvements that can be made. I'm not sure how many couples would choose paternity leave instead of maternity leave. As a woman who is 6 mths pregnant, my mind and my body have already been taken over by baby, and by the time the baby comes I can imagine I will be more than ready to switch off from work for a few months. It's a big adjustment being pregnant and then giving birth, and (for many) breastfeeding. I think at least some mat leave is desirable before having to focus on work again. I am not saying there is no adjustment for the father, but it's not to the same extent.

FTR, I love my job, and I plan to go back full time (baby in nursery) after 9 months. I worked really hard to get my job and I am so grateful I can go back to it after some time with the baby.

Better safe than sorry, though, Sunshine.:)

I am confused by the original post.

' most people still seem to voluntarily split their family responsibilities along traditional lines (either completely or partially) and many say they are happy that way.

Is that ok, or should it change, and if so how'

If they are happy, why would they change it?

I think that part of the problem is that so many people equate mothering with babies, and think of it as a short term issue to manage, rather than thinking of parenthood, which is to some degree permanent. In the long run the first year (intense and demanding though it is) is a very short period of time and shouldn't dominate long term planning to the extent that it often does.

To the OP

Im not sure how voluntary this splitting along traditional lines is. My DH is the stay at home parent. It was hard to garner any support for our choices. I was almost accused of abandoning my children and DH was told flat out that men were not as good at looking after children.

Couple this attitude with the financial issues already stated on this thread. And the lack of acceptance ( as stated by a poster on this thread, and experianced by DH) of men in many parent-child groups.

You have to be very determined to go outside the so called norms. DH was damned if he wasnt going to enjoy every last possible second of being a parent as soon as DD1 was born. Couple this with me not being the most maternal of mothers (I can relate to the poster who said she would make a better father than a mother), DH being the stay at home parent for us was a no brainer.

He is so organised that I sometimes feel the need to ask him how to do things. The food is so much better now that Im not cooking it. :( Appointments are never missed. (unlike me who has to be reminded about my own appointments) The kids are happy and well adjusted. And the house is clean. And no DH is not a saint he is a SAHD.

And yet people still try and sideline DH and only engage with me over anything to do with the children. I think it makes things tough for non conforming families.