Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Why should you do all the drudgery, just because you're at home with the baby?

44 replies

amosquitomylibido · 25/08/2011 13:49

Prompted by lots of things - including the happiness thread, and thinking about marriage and expectations of gender roles, pre and post- children. Also prompted by my general nosiness. I'm thinking that, given that maternity leave is so much more than paternity leave, there must be lots of couples whose relationship started out as a partnership of equals with similar roles ... which then changes completely when you have a baby.

So - if you're on mat leave or a SAHM, and you have a DP who is working full time, how do you divide the housework between you?

Not the childcare, I mean, but the cleaning and the cooking and the washing and so on. If you started out both in full-time employment, has the division of labour changed? Have your expectations about equality in your relationship changed since you had children?

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 26/08/2011 13:35

Stripey in practice though most stuff is for everyone.

I can't think of anything that I do "for DH" specifically that is not bundled in with everything else. Apart from ironing I guess but I don't iron

So in practice that list doesn't make sense to me. What are people doing "for" their OHs that is separate from what they are generally doing anyway IYSWIM?

msbuggywinkle · 26/08/2011 13:48

I think for me it goes...

DC
garden (I grow a lot of our own veg)
me/BFC stuff/knitting
house

Actually, it is rare that I do any jobs just for DP. I don't do any ironing, he does his own work clothes, I don't put his washing away, I leave clean stuff piled on top of his drawers for him. If I do anything that is just for him, it is more likely to be baking his favourite cake or picking up some nice beer than anything house work related.

Ragwort · 26/08/2011 13:49

Either I have incredibly low standards or my family don't make as much mess as other families but, unless you have five or so children I can never understand how much time some people spend on housework. I have been a SAHM (by choice) for over ten years and have never spent more than an hour or so a day doing housework/cooking. Obviously now DC are at school life is even easier but even pre-school I have always had loads of time to do voluntary work, hobbies etc etc. Yes, and sit on my backside reading or mumsnetting . NB I appreciate it is very different if your children have SN.

I am more than happy to iron my DH's shirts, I wouldn't dream of 'separating' the washing and ironing; it really doesn't take long and I appreciate the fact that I don't have to go out to work. He does the gardening/car stuff and will do odd chores at weekends but I would rather he spent his free time taking DS out and about (and giving me even more free time !!!) - or helping out in the community.

Bonsoir · 26/08/2011 13:59

What are people doing specifically for their OHs?

catering for meals that he particularly likes (involves extensive trawling of markets)
laundry (things that need special/individual treatment, like work trousers)
doing the dry cleaning run (90% of what goes to the cleaners is his)
catering for his family (sons and father)
catering for his friends

This is just housework - am not counting other stuff, notably educational stuff.

alexpolismum · 26/08/2011 14:14

Trillian Not to worry, I didn't read anything more into your message than what you meant. I was just adding my experience, as sometimes, the baby/ child needs a lot of attention, and you really don't have time for housework, and your phrase just seemed like a handy one to use!

SardineQueen · 26/08/2011 15:30

Surely meals and laundry are things that get done anyway, putting extra in for a DH or an in-law doesn't make any odds.

Bonsoir · 26/08/2011 15:31

There is no "anyway" to meals that meet one person's particular tastes. I am not referring to adding a random child to a meal that was already planned.

Bonsoir · 26/08/2011 15:33

It is also very easy to measure the extra things that are done for a particular person in our household where people come and go a lot!

For example, my DSSs haven't been around all August. Massive reduction in workload.

DuelingFanjo · 26/08/2011 15:33

my DH does a lot more cooking now we have a baby. However I still do most of the cleaning and washing.

OhdearNigel · 26/08/2011 15:39

I WOH 27 hours a week at my normal job, work about 16 hours at a casual job and deal with the majority of running our lives and dealing with childcare issues. I also do most of the work on our allotment

DH works shifts of 6 on 3 off of 8 or 9 hour shifts. Around this he fits gardening work and retrieval shifts for a hot air balloon company. Over the summer he works loads of hours and I don't expect him to do anything at all. He deals with the finances as I absolutely hate that.

In the winter when there is no gardening or ballooning on the schedule I expect him to pick up a bit more housework like cooking and washing. He also does the occasional "big clean" of the floors

CailinDana · 26/08/2011 15:49

I don't separate out my DH's washing - he has his own wash basket :)

OhdearNigel · 26/08/2011 15:52

Well said Scaevola. Keeping our household running smoothly is a challenge and something I am proud of achieving

backtothedrawingboard · 26/08/2011 16:13

I have suspected for a long time that my H was a lazy sod! Now looking at your examples of who does what, I realise how much he has got away with!

I wish there was some sort of checklist that could be used to highlight everything that needs to be done at home and I could have then used this as evidence in my arguments with him. I do like the idea, though, of looking at how much "rest time" each of you have as a good barometer! He would win the "sitting in front of the tv putting his feet up" competition any day!

IMHO, if you are at home full time with DCs (with no responsibility for earning income/helping with elderly parents/ILs etc) then it makes sense that you use any time not spent looking after DCs doing things around the house or doing shopping etc, particularly if they are at nursery/school. It doesn't matter whether it is the gardening or doing housework or sorting out the garage, it all needs to be done and the more you can do, the less your other half has to do when they get home and the more time leisure time you both get. Surely you should divvy up the jobs according to who has the time and the expertise. I couldn't wire up a new light fitting but I can cook a mean spaghetti bolognese! And you have to toss a coin for the jobs you don't want to do (or just get on and do them anyway!) My H has never weeded the garden because he "doesn't enjoy it" - as if you only get to do things in life that are fun!!.

CailinDana · 26/08/2011 16:28

I agree that the leisure time thing is a good measure of fairness. However I bear in mind that my DH gets to have as many coffee breaks as he wants and usually eats lunch out with his colleagues whereas I am completely tied to DS all day and the only time I get a minute to myself is if he's asleep. So once he's asleep I'm off duty. Otherwise I'd be running around all day long and I'd be completely shattered. My DH understands this having looked after DS a fair bit on his own too and would never expect the house to be spotless or for big jobs to be done during the day while he's at work. That seems fair to both of us and it works. I think that's the main thing - that both partners are happy with how things are arranged.

Original poster

amosquitomylibido · 26/08/2011 18:23

I'm with CailinDana on the leisure thing - DH's working day is completely different to mine in that he has a degree of autonomy about breaktimes. And he enjoys his work, whereas I hate housework (hence calling it drudgery in the OP - that's exactly what it is, to me)- so to get to equal leisure time, we'd have to somehow factor that in. And I guess we do, effectively, in that I don't run myself ragged attempting to get the place sparkling - although I definitely do more than I used to, due to geography, as someone mentioned (and wouldn't dream of separating his laundry - does anyone actually do that? Seems petty and vindictive to me.)

The other thing though is that if I were literally at home all day with the baby, I'd go completely bonkers. I have some days when I'm out most of the day, meeting other parents/babies, going swimming, hanging out in the park etc, and do bugger all round the house. And I feel really guilty then that the place is a sty (we somehow seem to generate an awful lot of mess) - but then going to baby groups isn't entirely leisure, although it's certainly not work!

I've been surprised by the number of mothers I met who do virtually all the house stuff - and particularly by the number whose DHs' working days end when they get home, while the DWs' continues, resentfully. As long as both are happy, that's the main thing...

OP posts:

Dozer · 26/08/2011 19:06

The best ante-natal class we did got everyone to list domestic and household admin tasks and write down who did them now, add new, baby-related tasks (little did we know...) then discuss who would do what after the baby. We've continued this approach - if one of us is feeling aggrieved, we look at our respective "to do" lists and discuss ways to cut corners.

Am on maternity leave with DCs (ages 3.5 and coming up one) and regularly have to resist the temptation to try to become a perfect 50s housewife, there is so much pressure.

Reckon I still do more, DH would probably THINK he does just as much though...

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 02/09/2011 04:10

Of course you should do all the housework if you don't have a job! It only takes an hour a day to keep a house clean.

CheerfulYank · 02/09/2011 04:27

I do more because I'm home more and have more of a "home-maker" personality that DH does. I don't think it's a gender thing necessarily, I just like pottering around at home and cooking and things.

I do all the cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. DH cooks some meals on the weekend. I refuse to pick up after him though. :)

Himalaya · 02/09/2011 08:17

I don't think it is possible if you take a 6 month- 1 year maternity leave to say that it is 'just for the baby' - for example if you have older children the parent on mat leave will also take more responsibility for them - not using childcare, doing the school pick ups and drop offs and generally becoming the-one-who-knows about food fads, new shoes, playdates, local schools, homework, dentists and all the rest.

Its not 'drudgery' as such, but it is mentally intensive and can mean that one parent ends up up with the 'weekend fun' and 'basic baby sitting' side of parenthood where the other ends up with the responsibility and expertise.

A single adult or two adults living together is hardly any work at all, you make little mess, hardly any laundry, feed yourselves simply etc... It is being in the house with children that makes most of the work.

So it is fair enough that the parent at home on any given day does more of this work than the one who is going out to to a job. But the problem I think comes when the mum goes back to work after a long maternity leave or two, or a period as a SAHP while the kids are young, but still is the one who knows about and takes responsibility for all the household management stuff at home.

Meanwhile the dad may have had a promotion or two, and it becomes a no brainer that the person who should take part -time/ flexi-time, a lower paid, lower pressure job etc to fit around the children is the one who had the long maternity leave in the first place.

Flip

1 2