Fight back or dignified silence?

[Thistledew]

Inspired by some of the threads recently about being harassed in public, I thought it might be interesting to discuss practical ways in which we can tackle it.

Of course, we shouldn't have to 'tackle' situations where we feel uncomfortable, and unfortunately whether we respond or not has to be governed by a judgement as to whether it is physically safe to do so, but discussing and rehearsing a few snappy responses may mean that we are more confident in how we handle unpleasant situations.

What are the best ways to deal with harassment in public? Is it better to respond or ignore it? If a response is called for, how can we best respond without descending to the harasser's level of rudeness? What are the responses least likely to create an escalation of the situation?

A few examples I have thought of:

In response to a drawled "Alright darling?" in the street- "Don't call me darling, it is patronising, sexist and rude".

As a quick response to a lewd comment shouted at you by a man driving past "Pervert!".

In response to being groped in a club/bar/packed train - grab the hand, hold it up high and say in a loud voice "Take your hand off my bum/tit/waist".

Much better to ignore-they are looking for a reaction so don't give them one.

that's a really good point rosepie and I reckon one of the most effective ways of making men stop altogether

Thanks Girl - Actually I am going to post it in the other thread (which makes my brain ache).

It is important that the people who do undertake this vile behaviour understand that there can be serious consequences of their actions.

I'm afraid I can't ignore it. I feel I am not being a good citizen if I let awful behaviour like that go unchallenged.

Glad I've read this; was starting to feel like banging my head against the wall reading the other thread!

So pleased this thread is here - was shocked rigid by some of the posts on the other thread.

As far as idiots on the street are concerned I'd maintain a dignified silence.

As for groping in the bar, that is inexcusable. I'd say something, and I'd get my point across for sure.

I believe it is more important for women to speak up in other areas. The workplace, for instance, where we all encounter patronising, egoistic men.Or at home, when DH or family treat you like a housekeeper or take you for granted. Or even when it comes to simple choices in life-we are always judged aren't we? It is more important to fight back in those areas.

When my bum was groped in a crowded bar I grabbed it and yanked the arm until the man appeared- very young, sheepish and mortified, and gabbling he was very sorry but he did it on impulse. I like to think it put him off doing it again!

peeriebear Well done! These perverts deserve public humiliation

Would love a standard response to use when things like this happen. I seem to have an inbuilt inability to be deliberately rude to anyone even in situations like this when they are being far from polite to me! Although I think this is fading as I get older and grumpier!

Have to say, GirlwithMouseyHair, I thought most of the responses on your thread in AIBU were the 'right ones'. Most of the posters were really supportive of you.

It's responses here like 'banging my head on a wall reading that thread' and saying that the other thread gives 'brain ache' that makes me wonder why people from feminist board post on AIBU. It makes me a little angry actually, like you're 'poking fun', stirring it up with a stick. I don't see the point of that really and again, it's bad form and really quite condescending.

lying I think some people are talking about the "other thread" in feminism about men chatting up women and refusing to take no for an answer.

Difficult to know, seeing as both threads are being referred to as the "other thread".

I think we need to start assigning numbers

The only time I got groped whilst working (in a bar) the guy was quickly warned that if he tried it again with me, or if I saw him trying it with any other woman he'd be wearing his pint. As far as I'm aware, he never tried it again.

If it's comments in the street, I ignore them. Not had one off an employee of any organisation yet, otherwise that'd be a complaint to the manager.

I do love forms though... I know it's slightly OT, but when I changed energy provider last year, the young man on the other end of the phone could not understand that I was Ms, aged 25, and had never been known by any other surname "But you must have had another surname when you were married?"
"Who said I was married?"
"Well, Ms is for divorced women"
He did seem to take note of my explanation, as all my paperwork since has come through adressed to Ms Peanut

I fully support a loud and assertive ' get off me' or similar... but I was just wondering; what should a man do if a woman pinches his bum?

Same I'd have said!

In theory, yes. I'd be lying if I said I'd never done it though Fortunately, only ever had a smile in return (sometimes followed by a discrete distancing. C'est la vie.)

Just why would you do that jenny? It is equally disrespectful whatever the genders involved.

How about that old chestnut of "give us a smile love" or "cheer up, it wouldn't hurt to smile"? I admit I do look quite grumpy when deep in thought but funnily enough it is only men who have ever seen fit to tell me I am not looking sufficiently happy in their vicinity, although they never seem to be bothered by grumpy looking men.

I am usually torn between treating the comment with the respect it deserves, ie ignoring it completely, and telling them that I was in fact perfectly happy until some idiot shouted at me in the street.

I know that a reaction is just what they are after, but ignoring doesn't seem to discourage them either, does it?

Well, you know... the folly of youth, a heady atmosphere, a few glasses of wine. Ok, so you've been a paragon of virtue your whole life Thistledew. Well done you.

lyingwitch I get what you're saying and actually you've made a very valid point - the absolute majority of women on my AIBU thread were in loud support and shared more horrific stories than mine, but I have been focussing on the few voices who stand up against it. I suppose I was just so shocked, feminist or not, I just can't get over some women's reactions to this kind of abuse.

I get shouted at in the street ALL THE TIME for being ginger. Usually along the lines of 'Oi Ginge' or the lovely 'Ginger Minger' or the equally delightful 'Ginger Minge'.

I usually reply 'Yes that's correct, well done.'

That's horrific Red! I have several friends originally from countries other than Britain who are entirely flummoxed by this weird attitude to red hair that exists here. Who the hell do these people think they are to shout that sort of abuse out though?

GirlwithMouseyHair... I feel a twit now, Empusa is talking about another thread entirely (which I haven't seen) and I bet she's right too.

I know exactly what you mean about the voices of dissention, they tend to stick out, whereas general agreement doesn't. It's very rare that I feel I have a radical feminist viewpoint but on catcalling I believe I do, and if there are degrees of 'worse', it certainly is when you're pregnant.

Thanks for posting back on the other thread, it halted my mini-flounce and prompted me back here.

lying I went onto a thread yesterday, all guns blazing. Then someone pointed out I was on totally the wrong thread. I felt a right tit.

Not knowing which "other thread" was being referred to, when two are being called "other thread", is nothing is comparison!

I'm off to find the other other thread