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Original poster

Why do women still get "given away"

142 replies

ledkr · 26/06/2011 18:10

I went to wedding yesterday and was surprised to see the woman being given away by her father.I havent been to that many weddings and dont think ive ever been as near the front before but the father actually placed his daughters hand into her grooms.
Yuck.
I am married and was certainly not given away.
It got me thinking that i guess as this is part of a traditional ceremony that many women go along with this archaic custom.
What a shame.
Am i just being picky?

OP posts:
TrilllianAstra · 26/06/2011 19:33

For some reason I don't feel as strongly about this as I do about getting children christened when you don't believe.

LilBB · 26/06/2011 19:40

I walked down the aisle on my own and gave a little speech. Although I don't have any contact with my father. People kept saying I should have my grandad or brother do it but it didn't bother me.

I must admit the christening of children when you are not a believer really annoys me. Although I would imagine a lot do it to get their kids in to certain schools. This irritates me both as someone who is christian and someone who has a massive issue with church state schools.

Original poster
ledkr · 26/06/2011 20:07

I dont think women actually think about this tradition and its significance,i think someone accompanying you down the aisle is very nice especially if its to include dc's in the day.
I didnt take dh's name but kept my former married name as i felt dd had enough to take in withut being the only one in the family with her surname. There are 4 of us me and dd1 are one name and dh and dd2 are another,it doesnt cause any issues and its great to split into teams for games.
Funnily enough i am currently considering a christening for dd2.I am a believer but not practicing so i may now consider dropping this tradition too now.

OP posts:
PurpleStrawberry · 26/06/2011 20:21

My DH took my last names (I have one of those 'double compound' Hispanic last names), as in Hispanic culture a woman keeps her name upon marriage, and although I was born and raised in England I wanted to do the same. I had planned to follow the usual Hispanic thing of passing one name from each parent on to our offspring.

However, DH asked if I would be OK with him taking both my names, as we were planning on using Hispanic first names and he said they worked better just with my last names (which they do). I was fine with that, and was proud that despite some ribbing from his friends, he stuck to his guns.

LilBB · 26/06/2011 20:23

Ledkr if you don't want to go down the religious route just hold a welcoming party. I think they are a great idea to get family together and show off your new baby without the hypocrisy of a religious ceremony.

Cattleprod · 26/06/2011 20:32

A lot of women just blindly follow tradition without actually thinking about what it means. Being given away, promising to 'obey', wearing virginal white, not giving a speech, being 'man and wife', changing their name, sometimes not just their surname but becoming 'Mrs John Smith' for example.

I can only guess they get all caught up in choosing the dress, the venue, the flowers etc., and don't consider the important stuff at all.

PurpleStrawberry · 26/06/2011 20:42

You don't have to have 'man and wife', I think it's more common to have 'husband and wife' now, in fact I think it's the default. I might be wrong though.

When I said to our vicar we wanted 'husband and wife' and not 'man and wife', he told me that's his standard, as the 'man and wife' is now outdated. The same as the standard service no longer includes 'obey'. You have to request it if you want it.

Becaroooo · 26/06/2011 20:49

My dad "gave me away" at my wedding and placed my hand into my husbands at that point in the ceremony.

I honestly didnt really think about it at the time - it was a big formal church wedding so it was the norm.

Now, however? I wouldnt do it. (over the past few years I have been doing a lot of reading about womens place in history and it does smack of handing over "chattel" doesnt it?)

What I REALLY didnt like was being referred to as a "spinster" when the Banns were read. Ugh. My dbro thought it HILARIOUS Angry

Becaroooo · 26/06/2011 20:50

I didnt promise to "obey" though....the whole congregation would have pissed themselves if those words had come out of my mouth Grin

CheeseandGherkins · 26/06/2011 20:56

Asking the father for "permission" to ask the daughter to marry is similar to me as well.

PurpleStrawberry · 26/06/2011 20:57

My older sister promised to obey, and four years later, things ended due to "unreasonable behaviour" on her ex-husband's part.

I'm not saying the two things are related, as she has never really spoken about it to me, but I have my suspicions.

NotJustKangaskhan · 26/06/2011 21:12

Cheese I agree on the asking permission - my husband has threatened that if anyone is dumb enough to try it for one of our daughters, he's going to send them on tasks like Hercules to earn it and smarten them up that our daughter is her own person (and probably won't have asked our permission for anything in years by that point).

floyjoy · 26/06/2011 21:21

Pressure not to 'upset' relatives (knowing it'll be remarked upon when you just want people to be positive and happy), not wanting to offend your father can be factors.

If you scroll down this link there's a wedding dress that would make sure no-one noticed if you ditched some of the traditions.

www.regretsy.com/category/vaginas/

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:29

I went to a fab wedding recently where the best man was a woman and the bride and groom entered together with their two little DDs.

Nobody gave me away and nobody will be giving my DDs away....they'd have to clamber over my dead body!

MsInterpret · 26/06/2011 21:31

I wasn't given away. DH and I entered the room together in front of all the guests.

I did go to a wedding recently where her dad walked her down the aisle but didn't 'give her away' - think it was referred to in his speech about walking her down the aisle, or supporting her, or sending her off or...it was clearer than I'm putting it that it was just a lovely thing for them to do it together, rather than her alone. Then again, why wasn't it mum? Or both?

But it did make me feel I'd been a bit too militant in my desire to definitely not be given away and that just walking with me might have been something my mum or dad would have liked to have done.

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:31

Fnarr at the vagina frock! Perhaps the groom could wear a knob shaped top hat??

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:32

No Mrsinterpret...I'm sure they were proud of their free thinking daughter.

MsInterpret · 26/06/2011 21:35

Thanks Mumbling. I hope so.

P.S. It's MsInterpret. But that's another thread Wink

MumblingRagDoll · 26/06/2011 21:38

Oh yes! Blush Ha!

garlicnutter · 27/06/2011 01:28

Oh, I've just realised you mean the whole formal handing over of the bride's hand? I don't think I've seen anyone do that in real life, though I've not been watching like a hawk tbh.

My father walked me up to the top of the aisle, then sat down in the front pew. It was the first time he'd been inside a church for over 20 years (committed atheist) so I knew the role meant a lot to him!

BillyJoel · 27/06/2011 01:40

Did you ever see "Muriel's wedding"? The dad walks her down the aisle then hands her to her husband to be with a happy "she's all yours, mate". Just about sums it up for me.

(I am happily unmarried but celebrating our unsilver wedding this year.)

CaptainBizarro · 27/06/2011 02:32

My Dad walked me down the aisle. I'm a feminist and was fully aware of how the act can be perceived - it wasn't something I just did 'because it's what you do', I actively wanted to do it.

My Dad is a widower and I had been living overseas for nearly 10 years by that point. We returned home to my home town for a fairly big wedding, and I just really wanted my Dad to be actively involved in the day. He didn't give me away. He walked with me down the aisle - we were both proud as Punch to be on each others arm - it was a really special moment.

There's a lovely photo of the two of us, taken unawares, coming into the entrance hall of the Church, I'm spinning around and have clutched onto his arm for balance and he's reaching out for me.

I didn't take DH's name, so hopefully my feminist credentials are still intact. Wink I do think it's important to challenge old traditions and to get people thinking, but I also think certain things aren't necessarily insidiously patriarchal, either. Grin

piprabbit · 27/06/2011 04:00

My dad walked me down the aisle, but didn't give me away.

Sitting in the back of the wedding car together, holding hands, on the way to the ceremony was lovely and very special. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world.

CountBapula · 27/06/2011 05:44

DH and I walked in together. I gave a speech, as did my 'best woman'. I didn't have an engagement ring, partly because we were financing the wedding ourselves and couldn't really afford one, but partly because I find it a bit weird that the woman has to wear one and not the man, so as to be marked out as his property ("She's mine, I've spat on this one," to quote Lee Mack). DH didn't really 'propose', we sort of decided to get married together, so it felt quite fitting.

DH did not ask my dad's permission. That is a horrible 'tradition' and I am quite Shock when friends proudly tell me their DHs did.

I did change my name, but mainly because DH's name is quite cool and I fancied being called something different Grin Anyway, usually women's surnames are their father's, so you're just swapping one man's name for another.

We didn't marry in a church because we are atheists, and will not be christening DS for the same reason. Certain family members are pissed off about this, which I find extraordinary.

exoticfruits · 27/06/2011 05:59

You are being picky and over thinking the whole thing. It is a huge day for parents. I would have given anything to have my father 'give me away'-call it what you will- but he had died, suddenly, 6 months before and never got his special moment. Are women so insecure they have to get tied up in such inconsequential things? My father didn't own me, my DH doesn't. It never crossed my mind that I should get upset about anything other than he wasn't there.
Weddings are not just about 2 people, they are about families. You not only get a partner, you get his/her parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts,uncles,great aunts, old family friends etc etc etc.(all the people who have loved him/her since birth.)

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