Q for feminists: was your mother a Feminist? or not at all?

[amberleaf]

Hello, ive lurked on this board but never posted so please be gentle with me

I was raised by a feminist mum during the 70s/80s so i had a lot of feminist ideals drummed into me [i hope the term 'drummed' doesnt sound negative, i cant think of another way to describe it, I dont see how i was raised as a negative thing]

I feel that this did influence me a lot particularly in my attitudes towards relationships and marriage [ive never married and still wouldnt want to] also my self image.

Im not sure that i would call myself Feminist now? I definitely grew up thinking and feeling that as a woman i was discriminated against but also empowered enough that i wouldnt be hindered by sexism and would always challenge it.

Some of what i was taught by my mother on reflection seemed like 'man hating' and generalisations and i have questioned it lots over the years, particularly when i gave birth to the first of my 3 sons.

Im still interested in feminist perspectives and reading this board has been interesting, particularly in the current issues as the media/internet etc has IMO opened up new avenues for the deliverance and influence of sexism.

So im interested to hear from feminists who were raised in a feminist household, have you 'stuck' with it?

I think i have gone through phases of rejecting/maybe questioning some of what i was taught by my mother, possibly due to normal rebellion against parental influence im not sure?

Ok im aware that im now rambling a bit! Im just not sure on how i feel about it all.

Thanks for reading and i look forward to engaging with anyone interested in the topic of 'being raised by a feminist and how it has influenced you'

Amberleaf.

I think my mom was more of the practical feminist ilk rather than theoretical/political one IYSWIM. And in part I have my dad to thank for that as well.

I grew up in SA during apartheid and a woman's place was very definitely 'in the home' So much so that in order to buy goods over a certain value you had to have a permission letter from your husband. I kid you not. She was very ambitious and rapidly started earning more than my dad. When he got the comments about 'how could he allow his wife to earn more than him?' he told them to piss off. Both me and my sister were always told we could do whatever we wanted and my dad certainly didn't hold any truck with the idea of girls/boys roles - so I can now practically rebuild a boat something he and my mom did together. I have to say my dad is a bit of a feminist too! He hates the idea of gender roles and has worked quite hard (although really subtly) to ensure that me and my sister were not pushed in to anything just because of our sex.

My mom now works in a male dominated industry and has done very well for herself, having worked her way up with only highschool qualifications. She is in charge of all things financial (I think a bit too much tbh) but has an equal relationship with my dad. She has always believed that a woman can do anything a man can do (although has surprisingly traditional views on some things - me taking my husband's surname for one).

I now work in a male-dominated field and feel that I can hold my own. I certainly don't fulfil the typical 'wifely' duties at home (much to my MIL chagrin) but I don't actually view them as such because they never were in our house. She has always encouraged me in life to do what I wanted not what was expected of me. It always saddens me when I speak to rellies back home who just cannot seem to understand what I do for a living, for them it still is an anathema that a woman could be in my role, rather than its more traditionally female counterpart.

She does not identify herself as such, but she is. She's very ambitious and never let anybody tell her what she can or can't do. No, she was not home waiting with freshly baked cookies, but I really didn't mind - I am very proud of her achievements. She (and dad) raised us kids to be like her too - when we were younger, it didn't even occur to us that we can't do something or be someone because we are girls.

Lots of interesting replies-Thanks.

Springbok Your parents sound lovely! My dad was like yours in some ways, he certainly encouraged me to do what i wanted and not what was necessarily expected of me as a girl/woman in the traditional sense.

OP - do you think your dad may have had some impact on your attitude towards men, as well as your mum?

Thats a good question! I think my parents marriage/and divorce certainly had an impact on my attitudes towards men and marriage/relationships in general. But i would definitely say that my dad agreed with feminist principles ie in his mind it was perfectly feasible[sp] for a woman to do anything a man could do, he would take me to work with him [totally male dominated environment] and encouraged me to be self sufficient, he has taught me to do lots of so called 'mans jobs' eg decorating/fixing things etc [as did my mum too], 'girlie' helplessness was certainly never encouraged.

Im gonna think some more on that question and come back to it i think.

hassled- I dont think you are letting the feminist side down by being a samh with 4 DCs rather than being employed. You will do a lot more for the feminist cause by raising 4 feminists who then go onto raising their own feminist DCs than by being a childless feminist who doesnt pass their philosophy on to the next generation.

Did anyone grow up with a feminist mother and not become a feminist themselves? It seems like once that light has been switched on it cant be extinguished.

I wish my Mum had been like some of the feminist Mums on this thread. It wasn't a word that was ever used when I was growing up. There weren't any feminist books in the house, not that my Mum would have had time to read them, the amount of housework she did. My Mum did work, be it p/t and did emphasise that she had her own bank account that she put her wages into but she didn't have a clue about finances and left all the big decisions like house and ar buying to my Dad. She stayed for decades in a relationship she wasn't happy in. Dad 'didn't do' nappies etc but she just accepted that and took on the 'mother martyr' role. She told me she was put off having more DCs because of the uneven split in housework/childcare but never made an attempt to get Dad to do more.

They both made it clear that they had wanted a son and that, I being a daughter was a disappointment. They definately would have had more career ambitions for me if I had been a boy.

I had a bad relationship with my Mum growing up which did make me quite anti-women in my teens. I was very anti-feminist before I went to uni.

Ironically my mum now identifies as a feminist. I introduced her to it but she still comes out with loads of anti-feminist claptrap like 'it's a woman's fault if she's raped etc'.

amber yes my parents are quite special . I have the utmost respect for my dad - he grew up in a country which bred prejudice in people but managed to hold his own. He stood up to not only strangers but his friends about my mom's right to work, earn her own money and be independent.

I know that I am very lucky to have my parents as role models - I do look to their relationship as a good example of how an equal relationship.

I remember walking to school when I was about five or so and my mum talking to me about "and women get to wear trousers and skirts, whereas men aren't allowed to wear skirts except in Scotland, and that's not fair, is it?" and sometimes she'd get very worked up and tell me "you have no idea what women have done! you're not grateful enough! do you know how hard they've worked so you can be free like this?" (at five!) etc etc. So pretty strident. I didn't take much notice of it until I read Greer at 13 (my mum said I shouldn't read her because I'd get depressed, but she was the one who introduced me to Simone de Beauvoir), but was usually the indignant one spouting the "that's so sexist" amongst my peers (I was as naive as they were).

She grew up in a pretty traditional household- maids saying 'vous' to her and stuff and all the main women in her life staying home to look after their big families, with help, but she didn't grow up being fed stereotypes or anything and it wasn't rebellion, her developing this level of feeling towards it. Now she's pretty much lost the enthusiasm for it. If I start up a discussion about it, she'll smile and say "yes, exactly" against my poor dad, but she won't volunteer any more rants.

I was raised totally the opposite to my most on here. In my younger mind I always saw it as women is more 'in charge' as such. My dad did loads at home, so did my grandad.

Its how my parents are, and how my grandparents are. It is exactly how I am with my husband to as I have married the carbon copy of my dad. I have never known any other way tbh and I dont think I could change if I tried as its all I have ever known, and I got married at 20 but before that I always went for men with a very similar personality type to my dad/grandfather.

No one ever really spoke about feminism its just thats the way things were and I think my parents did it subconsiously to do with their upbringing, and that attracted them to the personality types of each other, and that happened again with my husband and I. Works out though as my gps were together from 18 till death, my parents since 14 and us from 18 so it worked out/is working out for all of us.

My Mum and Dad are feminists and definitely brought me up that way. I remember listening to feminist folk songs as I was growing up. I even sang 'Girls can do anything' by Sandra Kerr to my class at school!

My mum was not a feminist, although I thought she was a strong woman in many ways. Growing up with her and seeing her experiences (lost nearly everything in one divorce, spent several years caring for a very disabled man with the bare minimum of help to stop her going over the edge and so keep her doing it) did help to make me a feminist though.

My mum was not a feminist and would not identify as one.

My parents had a very traditional setup, in that she stayed at home, giving up her job when children arrived "because it was the done thing".

Fast forward 50 years and due to a workplace accident which made my breadwinner father totally unable to work again physically, in 1 day my parents went from "comfortable empty nesters" to pretty much poverty.

Not helped by the fact that my mum doesn't have more than a couple of years NI contributions to her name, and no pension to speak of. Since they thought my dad had another 20years in the business, and no compensation from his employer, they're pretty much fucked, financially.

And despite what my mum says about how it was the best for thema t the time, i look back and see that my sister, brother and half brother totally took advantage of her sacrifice/didn't appreciate it at all.

seeing this situation, and that of my PIL (met Dh whilst we were both at uni on the same dept), was what made me become more aware of feminism. and what other people had fought for on my behalf in the previous generations.

so you could say that it was seeing first hand experience of where society has failed women, because they take on more of a burden for the childcare/children's wellbeing (choose to? forced to?), i saw that i didn't want history to repeat itself.

that was a strong reason for delaying starting a family, if i'm being honest. e.g. making sure that i had a career in place, making sure that DH was happy to go part time if we needed rather than leave it to me, basically "how can i avoid the traps that i see DM and MIL fall into" - depressing, eh!

Yes, my mum was (is) a feminist. Not especially activist or political but she very much started from the perspective of "women and men are completely equal" and challenging any language or attitudes that went against this.

So, she didn't change her name, had high flying career (though did not ignore us), was careful about gender-biased toys/books, etc.

My dad shares her views but was/is less vocal about it.

Interesting that there's an equal mix here of those whose mums were and weren't feminists.