Feminism and My 7 YO dd. The right message

[Portofino]

My dd was 7 on Friday. She can dress herself, feed herself, make an omelette, type a message to her Auntie on FB, ride a bike etc etc. She is getting so much more independant by the day.

We chat in the car. Last week when it was International Women's Day there was something on the radio news so the subject came up. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but basically she said she thought that men were BETTER than women. I asked her why she thought that.

She replied that men were stronger and had better brains! She cannot tell me why she thinks that is true. Now I work FT, domestic tasks are pretty equally shared and DH has always been very hands on with her since she was born. I have to admit that recently DH is away a lot with work, so it is ME in the kitchen after work/school (though when she was smaller it was the other way round).

I want to start her (a little bit) on earning her pocket money by having jobs to do. But I want to do this without.....well rewarding her for being subservient. DH has asked her to get a beer out of the fridge. She says (laughing) "I am not your servant, dad" I say it's fine because we are a family and we like to do nice things for each other. It's nice when daddy makes me a cup of tea etc etc.

Where do you start? What are the right messages to give her? My backgound was NOT very egalitarian so I have nothing to fall back upon.

It's not particularly a feminist issoe but I find it distasteful to ask children to fetch beer for their parents. That includes a 6 yr old boy fetching one for dad.
My 7 yr old makes us cups of tea and scrambled eggs on a Saturday morning, I have no objection to that AT ALL

I agree that is not really acceptable for children to be fetching alcohol for parents. Right up there with being sent to the corner shop for fags as I was many times as a child, back in the good old days.

I think I agree with Dittany in general on this though.

Would a girl not get the same message? I don't want this all to be about beer though!

It was more the general principle. Dd is 7 now, no longer a baby, and I feel she should start to contribute in some (albeit small) way - rather than just having stuff done for her all the time. I would also like to start to link pocket money to effort. Does this sound reasonable?

Now(normally at least) there are 2 females and one male in my household. Everyone should be expected to do their bit imho. I guess I don't want her to associate domestic tasks with being female, more that she is a member of a family with her role IYSWIM. I guess if she had a brother I wouldn't be asking this question...

I take on board the comments about beer! I will put a stop to this. And take on board mrsruffalo's comments about getting a cup of tea made at the weekend

Dittany I wasn't making it about me. I was challenging your assumption on portfino's post as I felt it was different to the one I had made... I found it interesting that i had used my situation to draw a conclusion on portfino's post. there weren't lots of details there and so it was left open to interpretation. My interpretation was different to yours and as someone who's opinion i respect - I wanted to find out more about the thought you had.

I find on the F&WR board there is more of a flow of conversation from one opinion to another across a thread and where i was going with it seemed natural. I brought it back to portfino across the conversation you and I were having.

I will start a new thread next time i find something you have said on someone else's thread interesting. And ask you to discuss it with me there, if that is the correct ettiquette.

I thought your's was a totally valid post Drizzela - you stated how it worked in YOUR house. That is interesting to me at least.

valid posts even.

Leaving aside the beer debate

One argument is that linking pocket money to household tasks means that when they move out they will expect to get 'rewarded' for doing their own housework rather than seeing it as something everyone has to do because they live there. I think this relates to boys and girls equally.

Could you get her to help with special jobs for pocket money, like clearing a junk room or garden stuff or washing a car?

Got a bit busy and just managed to catch up on the interesting posts. Portofino, I feel your pain when she said that men are btter than women! It is so hard to keep consistently on message about equality when they/we get so many messages through the media etc. As I said in my earlier post, I know and feel all the theories but somehow it doesn't always come out that way in my life. I think your daughter will be fine, because you are aware and talk about these things with her. From your OP and the subsequent discussion, I would say that getting your dd to do jobs that are for herself or for all the family is fine, if that is what everyone in the family is doing. I take the points about helping eaxh other out, but think that offering to do something for someone is different from being asked to do a task for them when they are not doing anything else. In terms of earning pocket money, I am not sure if I would link this to doing things for herself or to help around the house. If she is doing it because she is part of the family, then it shouldnt be tied to money, in my opinion.

I don't really agree with tying household tasks to money, I think it should be something that children are encouraged to do for the mere fact that it is kind and considerate.

I do agree with pocket money because I think it helps them to manage money.

I give pocket money to them in return for being contributing members of the house. they know it will be stopped if they become lazy and unhelpful (and it has been stopped before for the elder one) but it's definitely not linked to any oarticualr job around the house.

oh and thanks, portfino

Tis football night tonight. DH asked the beer question! I started to say something and dd piped up "well dad, I'll make a deal with you. I get you a beer and you can get off the computer and come and give me a cuddle on the sofa. I have to admit I left them to it!

Now I am not sure whether to be proud that she manipulated the scenario to her advantage, or worried that she is learning to "buy" favours!

Portofino, she will go far! And how lovely that her side of the deal is a cuddle with her dad. Cherish these times.

She is a born negotiator/manipulator I know. She KNOWS almost instictively how to push the right buttons. I don't know if this is true for all kids though. Tonight when I collected her, she was in the playground chatting to a friend. The moment she spotted me, she adopted an "injured" posture and told me some boy had done a karate chop on her...sweeties might help with the pain though

I am HARD me!