Do you think this is the beginning of an abusive relationship?

[Beachcomber]

Hello feminists. I'm looking for a bit of help on a family issue that is troubling me, if you would be so kind.

Background - I have a younger SIL who is a slightly odd person (I think she is borderline SN). She is very passive and often gives the impression that she doesn't actually make decisions based on thinking about what she actually wants - she just sort of goes with the flow.

SIL is getting married this year to her boyfriend. They have been together for about 4 years.

Boyfriend (to be known as BF from here on) is pretty odd himself. He comes across as an odd mixture of deeply insecure and kind of smug and pleased with himself. (Can you tell I don't like him?!).

Anyway here are the things he does to SIL that make me uncomfortable with their relationship;

Very quickly after they started living together he changed job and found another one at the other end of the country. He openly said that he thought SIL needed to move away from her mother as she is too dependant on her. This move means that SIL is now an 8 hour car drive from all her friends and family. (SIL was dependant on her mother but I think the reason for this is her borderline SN behaviour.)

BF is very very overweight - he comments on what (very slim) SIL eats and makes 'jokey' "are you sure you should be having that darling" type comments when she takes a second helping/has dessert.

BF tends to order SIL about, rather than get up and get something himself he asks her to go and get it. (This may be linked to his weight but it is pretty sad to see in a young couple in their 20s).

He gets very irritated with SIL over things like how to work their camera/set the satnav/whatever. He loves electronic gadgets and likes to patronise her about them. He likes to make comments along the lines of "how many times have I told you how to do blah blah blah" - this will be said in a pained patronising way, usually about some gadgety technical aspect of some gadget that SIL couldn't give a shit about.

We went to visit them recently and stayed for a weekend. He shouted at SIL for cutting an onion in the wrong way and banged his fist down hard on the kitchen counter. (He was careful to do this when my DH was out of the flat). He asked me at one point if I knew "how to get my own way all the time" and then said "like this" whilst twisting SIL's arm up her back and pinching her (I don't think he was actually hurting her). He did this as though it was a joke.

Later on we were sitting in the living room having dessert and when he finished he held his bowl out for SIL to put down on the table - he didn't look at her or ask her if she could do it, he just held the bowl out (he was watching TV). She wordlessly got out of her chair and put his bowl on the table even though HE was closer to the table than she was.

They are getting married this year and we were told the other day who the witnesses are to be. (We are in France where normally the bride and groom have two witnesses each). SIL doesn't really have any very close girlfriends and it seemed pretty obvious to me that she would have her brother (my DH, her only sibling) as one of her witnesses, they are quite close. It is very common in France to have one's sibling as a witness.

Anyway, BF announced that they are not having any family members as it would cause too much upset in his (very large) family. SIL's witnesses are to be a couple - long term friends of his that SIL only knows through him. None of us have ever met them or even heard very much about them. Basically he has chosen all 4 of the witnesses.

There is other stuff but I think you get the gist. They are in their 20s, he is about 5 years older than her.

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the situation although can't do anything about it really.

Thanks for any feedback.

I'm not too sure how SIL would cope with a baby. I think she would manage ok if she had a straightforward baby that ate and slept well. I'm not sure how she would cope with any difficulties. It is very difficult to imagine her pregnant or being a mother actually. I think childbirth would shake her up considerably.

Last time I was there, their flat was very dirty (and a bit smelly). Not the sort of place you would want to have a baby in.

I suspect his family will expect to be visited lots were there to be a baby (his mother was making comments at Christmas about becoming a grandmother).

I have a horrible feeling that if they do have a baby, SIL's fate will be sealed. I have no idea if her BF would actually hit her, I suspect that he probably wouldn't. He is just like a big parasite that is sucking all the fun and joy out of her. The are like a middle aged couple who have been together for 30 years.

SIL, despite her oddness, can be very funny and she and DH get silly together sometimes and get the giggles. She isn't like this when her BF is around. She is mostly like a very quiet non person when he is there. She does sometimes express an opinion, and can be quite forceful with it - the words that come out of her mouth are his however. You can hear it, it is obvious that she is parroting his opinions/values/views.

This is probably not entirely his fault - she is a very passive dependant person. She used to parrot her mother's views before getting together with this man.

Oh fuck - the more I write about this, the worse it feels.

Thank you all for listening, it helps a bit to offload. Wish I didn't feel like a bloody useless stander by however.

I have no idea if her BF would actually hit her, I suspect that he probably wouldn't

Except that he has already hurt her in front of you. And acted in physically threatening ways (banging his fist down next to her) - again, in front of you. And hides this behaviour from her male relatives.

I think he would, and may already do so.

Maybe Tortoise, of course I cannot possibly know. Of course I could be wrong. I will certainly be keeping an eye out (especially if SIL does get pregnant).

I have a gut feeling that he is more likely to generally treat her badly and bully and undermine her. I think we are more in the realms of emotional abuse. I think he probably likes to think that she is a bit frightened of him although in his head it won't be 'frightened' but 'in awe'.

Physically he is very imposing - about 6ft tall and very heavy. He shows contradictory behaviour about his size - sometimes he seems insecure about his weight and sometimes he is quite swaggery and likes the fact that he is such an imposing figure.

Unfortunately DH and I argued about this last night. He thinks I am reading too much into this. I said that we do not see the same person as BF presents himself differently to us both - that alone is something to be concerned about.

I did wonder whether your DH was going to be on the "same page" of this book as you. As you say, his experience of this reality will be different to yours - and with emotional abuse it is so easy to "normalise" it - or to try to - because it is so hard to recognise.

Don't worry, you're not doing nothing, your insight will ultimately help her.

I found this in French - from an Irish site, for some reason, but there may be better things published by the French organisations.

Now may not be the time to start printing these things and handing them to her, but at least you'll be prepared if(when?) she needs your help.

Thank you mumonthenet. I will look at that.

I thought DH was taking this as seriously as me but it would now appear not. He got quite upset with me last night and said that I was being very judgemental and seemed to think that I was some sort of clever clogs who could see something that everyone else was too thick to see.

I will swallow my annoyance about this attitude because it won't help SIL if I start to take offence right, left and centre.

I'm starting to better understand the complexity of DA, and I can really see way the change in behaviour depending on who is in the room, is so dangerous.