Anti-marital sex conspiracy?

[specialmagiclady]

Recently I have noticed myself and friends almost boasting about how little sex we "let" our husbands do "at" us.

"if he thinks he's getting any, he's got another think coming"
"Marital unpleasantness"
"Oooh I can't be bothered with all that any more"

I thought this attitude went out with the ark - or at least with reliable contraception.

I actually really like having sex with my husband. It's fun. But - like the ironing - it does take a bit of effort to get into the mood. Also like the ironing, it's really worth doing and I always feel "i should do that more..."

But look! Here I am comparing the glorious union of two people who love each other to the world's most hated household task.

When we were in our twenties we were all "ladettes" boasting about how much, how often, who with etc. Now in our late 30s early 40s we've reverted to the Les Dawson stereotype. What went wrong???

Is it that married women "aren't allowed" to enjoy sex? If so, who made that rule?

But don't you also think that the pressure all around us to be sexual and conform to unattainable ideals in appearance, grooming etc. can contribute to this? A sort of helplessness that one is never going to be good enough/appreciated? I can see that where that is a factor there could be a defiant pride in doing the opposite of what societal pressure mandates, or some kind of over-compensation. Some women do live with constant, draining, low-level attacks on their self-esteem from male partners who feel entitled to something or someone better.

Some women do live with constant, draining, low-level attacks on their self-esteem from male partners who feel entitled to something or someone better.

do they really? i would rather be on my own than put up with this.

Well, so would I frankly. I have seen it happen though, and it is excruciating. Have a quick gander through Relationships: total eye- opener.

Yes eldritch I do. The mainsteam is now to be aspire to be sexy and gorgeous rather than just to be attractive. Everyone has to be 'up for it' all the time to be normal and healthy - if you aren't there is something wrong with you.

I can tell you exactly why i don't want sex most of the time. I am knackered - not just from housework, but also because the life I live gives me no time to be ME - just me, not mummy, not wife, not employee, not dutiful daughter. When I get those rare precious moments of free time I want to do things for me and me alone. I don't want to spend it getting sweaty with DH. I am not highly-sexed, never have been, but I do enjoy it when we get down to it but given the choice I'd rather do something that I really want to, not something that people seem to think I should want to. Nothing to do with repressing my sexuality because I am wife! Because I am a human being with the right to choose what I do with my free time. We aren't all clones.

And fwiw my DH is my greatest fan - honestly! I couldn't be with anyone who valued or admired me more than he does.

Sorry if that was a rant. This subject makes me cross.

I completely get that, Orm. Our sexuality is just one of the things we have/do, it's not the whole of us and everyone does have other needs. Much as I adore and fancy DH, sometimes I am so desperate to just READ A BOOK, BY MYSELF.

Still, I get the OP's original point that it is odd, especially if in an ostensibly good and stable relationship, to seem to take a kind of pride in evading sex.

It's not pride, it's guilt. We feel guilty for not wanting constant sex, so we make jokes about it and comfort ourselves that everyone is the same.

Yes but as you say Orm we're not all clones and what the OP is describing is a norm that has developed, that causes her discomfort.

Have you thought about the inverse pressure, for someone who feels differently, in that situation? How difficult it might be for the OP to say "actually I don't feel like that?"

The "ladette" culture the OP describes when her and her friends were younger no doubt produced a pressure to be constantly up for sex. That norm would have led to discomfort if anyone had raised their head above the parapet and said "not me!"

This norm is no different. There is pressure both ways and it can be really difficult for a woman to stand apart from the herd and say that she feels differently, especially when the whole subject is being treated with humour. Departing from the norm can have the effect of telling a bad joke; shocked silence and resentment that the OP isn't joining in.

I don't think the pressure you describe is all one way, not by a long chalk.

Which suggests that we shouldn't talk about sex at all I guess.

Anyway the OP was asking 'If so, who made that rule?' and I was attempting an answer. It has nothing to do with being a Les Dawson stereotype or not being allowed to enjoy sex. Quite the contrary IME.

Orm I'm just interested in women (or men) not feeling that they have to conform to whatever is the prevailing norm, either within society, or within groups. I think Mumsnet is an example of a group, where it can be quite difficult for some people to disagree with the prevailing opinion, but it's often easier to do that on here, than in RL.

I liken this thread to a group of men having a braying and negative conversation about their female partners. The one in the group who has the courage to say "I don't feel that way about my wife" deserves respect.

I think it's revealing that the OP has the courage to question this norm that has developed amongst her group of friends and realise that she's being affected by it, especially the realisation that she was feeling oddly triumphant at rebuffing her H. In recognising this, she is acknowledging the cultural pressure she has felt to conform to this new "norm".

I dislike anyone feeling as though they have to be "the same" and when that pressure starts to intrude on our lives and choices, I think it needs questioning.

I have been married 7 years but dont see sex as any different to before I was married. It might be different for us those as we are both only 26. I dont think being married has to change your sex life, unless you want it to.

I see Omarians point though as I luckily get loadas of time to myself and have a similar life to pre DCS. I still go clubbing and out with my friends. I get to go out and dance and feek sexy and that makes me feel in the mood for sex when I am at home and through the week. I think its very important when you have kids to have a decent amount of time to pursue your own interests be that reading a book or going for a drink. Then you dont lose sight of yourself or stop seeing yourself as a sexual being.

I think some of it may come from how people were brought up with sex; I've had a relationship where I was told "you're not getting any".

And no, this wasn't about housework or sharing... other than the fact I didn't want to spend every weekend with her parents. We both worked double-day shifts, and when she was on an early, or half day she'd go to her M&D till evening, so I'd do the washing/ironing & so on...

"... you're not getting any"

gets a variety of responses:
[Shrug] not bothered; that got annoyance
"Well, I shan't ask again"; I was then accused of neglecting her.
"You're using it as a bargaining chip?"; "are you calling me a tart?" No, I wasn't.
"well, not from you, anyway." and in the end we separated and then divorced.