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Original poster

The "Bad Boy" thing

18 replies

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 20:48

This is going to be a bit of a post and run because I have an essay to write, but I will be back at some point if not tonight.

I was just thinking the other day about the "Bad Boy" image and why it's deemed to be attractive in mainstream society, or, indeed, what is attractive about it anyway. For example, over the past year since I left XP I've been pondering what it was about him that I found attractive in the first place, and I realised that one of the things I liked (and of course one of the things I didn't like, in the end) was his anger. (I may just be dysfunctional, I realise Grin)

Also, I was watching Waterloo Road the other day (I know it's shit) and there was a new character in it who was very aggressive, at one point in the episode he said he'd set his dog on any girl who dumped him, and by the end he did, indeed, chase a girl through the school with his dog because she falsely accused him of sexual harrassment. (I could start a whole other thread on that storyline... Hmm) Anyway, he was definitely NOT a nice character, and yet all the teenage girls on my facebook feed were going on about how fit he was all evening Confused

So I was just wondering what it is that causes women to be attracted to aggressive men - is it an "alpha male" thing, or is that bollocks?

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LilBB · 07/02/2011 20:00

Perhaps when you fall for a 'bad boy' in your teens it is also a rebellion thing? Instead of going for a nice boy as is expected by parents you go for the opposite.

HerBeX · 07/02/2011 18:18

Haha I have always said that Anne Bronte was the only sane member of her family.

The rest were as mad as a box of frogs, weren't they?

TeiTetua · 07/02/2011 17:57

See Kate Beaton's take on it:
www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=202

noodle69 · 07/02/2011 17:36

I have never got this. I have had boyfriends in the past and met my husband at 18 (was married by 20) and all boys I have dated have only ever been nice to me and others. I would rather go out with a man who knows how to have a laugh but doesnt get angry, be too excessive every week, holds down a job etc. Some people are attracted to the drama of all that though.

I have friends that do this and go out with idiots. My best friend does it cause she thinks she doesnt deserve anyone better hence why she keeps going for the same type over and over again and the same thing happening. Its easy to point out from an outsiders perspective but I do think it is some people are insecure and dont think they deserve better. Unfortunately some people never grow out of this way of thinking.

HerBeX · 07/02/2011 17:15

James Dean, Marlon Brando, Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson - all the hard drinking, promiscuous abusve men we're invited to admire.

People like Beckham more now because he was unfaithful to his wife. He was presented as too goody two shoes before.

HerBeX · 07/02/2011 17:14

I think our culture also glorifies the "bad boy" - they are always presented as the most attractive, the most interesting, the most exciting.

Nice men are portrayed as dull.

Heathcliffe vs Edgar Linton, Rhett Butler vs Ashley, all the bad boys we're invited to think are glam and marvellous

Original poster
BertieBotts · 07/02/2011 16:39

Seaweed that makes sense. I am young and inexperienced and I expect I am still in the stage of working out that difference.

Still, the question about why "bad boys" are attractive when really they are the kind of man you should RUN from is interesting. It's not survival instincts kicking in there, is it?

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Saltatrix · 06/02/2011 23:53

Confidence and excitement make for a potent mix,'bad boys' often come with drama which makes things interesting.

The bad boy attitude is only really worth it for casual encounters or quick fire relationships obviously not really good for long term relationships. Age range that I have seen it be most effective with is teens to mid 20s.

A lot of nice guys are often quiet, reliable, eager to please and nice and for some reason these qualities are often viewed as boring.

togarama · 06/02/2011 22:44

There's something in Seaweedhead's posts that chimes with my views.

In some cases women are young or naive enough to think bad behaviour is somehow glamorous. In other cases, women may be deeply insecure and/or psychologically damaged to the extent that they repeatedly form relationships with unpleasant men.

However, I reckon that more often the "bad boy" attraction comes from women being generally attracted to confidence and competence in men. "Bad boys" may have both of these qualities in spades alongside all their negative traits. "Nice guys" sometimes just need to find their backbone and believe in themselves a bit more.

seaweedhead · 06/02/2011 21:33

When you're young, inexperienced and insecure its easy to mistake aggression and rebelliousness for strength and assertiveness. Eventually most of us learn to tell the difference between an arsehole and a strong, confident man.

Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 21:26

LilBB yes insecurity definitely has a part in it I think. Choosing someone who is obviously flawed in the hope that your own flaws will go unnoticed or not matter. We are usually a harsher judge on ourselves than other people, I think.

Boo the confidence/popular/"cool" thing makes sense too.

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Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 21:23

ingrained - I meant taught? Learnt? Something? Not innate anyway.

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Original poster
BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 21:22

Back because DS won't go to bed.

I wonder if anyone understands it then? I like kind, reasonable, patient men and would only consider having a relationship with someone like this now - my current partner is lovely, gentle and patient and wouldn't hurt a fly, but I suspect he could stand up for himself in self-defence, and he would state his rights e.g. in a shop (but politely) and I suppose he does have strong opinions about things, but not in an aggressive way, he wouldn't get at anyone who had a differing opinion to him. But being opinionated and assertive able to stand up for himself if needed are things I find attractive about him.

I wonder if it's a survival thing - ie wanting a man who can protect us and stand up for us - but then this must be ingrained, surely, since what do women need protecting from that they can't deal with as well as a man? Oh yeah... other men.

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seaweedhead · 06/02/2011 21:07

I have never understood this at all. I've always been attracted to men who are kind, reliable, 'nice' and who treat me with respect.

I don't buy the alpha male thing either, though I suppose I do like men who are intelligent and self confident but don't like authoritarian figures and have never been drawn to wealthy men.

OhForBoonessSake · 06/02/2011 20:58

i think, it has alot to do with confidence. any of the 'bad boys' i dated, i was attracted to them because they were so confident and sure of themselves, had lost of mates, centre of attention (usually for being bad) and it is very nice to be found attractive by someone who appears to be so popular and 'cool'. the novelty wears off when you realise tehy are just arseholes but at the start it is a great compliment to think that this person might liek you our of all teh other people around them.

LilBB · 06/02/2011 20:57

I went out with a lad at 16 who I let treat me like crap. I suppose he was a bad boy. Looking back now I put it down to insecurity. I thought I was ugly and that lads would only like me if I let them do what they wanted. I thought if I stood up for myself and questioned his treating me like poo that he would be off like a shot and no one else would want me. I thought he was too good for me!! Of course I was wrong and once I realised I ended things. That's just my experience though so don't know why lots of women are attracted to bad boys.

DH is not a bad boy at all and we have a wonderful, equal relationship.

msrisotto · 06/02/2011 20:57

Reminds me of the phrase 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'. I've never really understood it though. It doesn't work for me anyway. I like nice people....seems such a stupid thing to say - it should be obvious!

southeastastra · 06/02/2011 20:50

i fell mad in 'love' with a bad boy at 16 it's the alpha male thing isn't it - we're really not that different to monkeys at that age

thank god our brains work alot better at 20+

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