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Original poster

Feminist views on only children.

50 replies

OverThinkGal · 20/01/2011 21:24

Hello feminist MNers - I am a lurker on this section and I wondered if some of you ladies could give me a femimist perspective on only child families:

Society's judgement of mothers with only one child. I guess this is a subset of society's judgement of mothers and women?

I do not want acquaintances/family to tell me that I am selfish etc - especially when it is my DH who does not want a second.

What is a strong robust answer to such intrusive questions?

The relationship dynamic wrt to choosing to have more DC. EG - two yes votes = a DC (apart from a woman can overrule a man once a DC conceived) and one no = no DC.

I feel like I have given up a lot to have DC and have ended up with just the chance to have 1. Sad

The relevant background thread is here.

OP posts:
HerBeX · 22/01/2011 14:24

Yes that's interesting S. Having a child has a massive, massive impact on a woman's career - so massive, that once you've had one, you might as well have 2 and once you've had 2, you mgiht as well have 3 etc. - whereas men don't have that hit.

HerBeX · 22/01/2011 14:26

Yes I also don't think being an only child will screw your DC up. In many ways it's an advantage. There are always swings and roundabouts in life. TBH I think that should be the least of your worries, children accept what is normal for their families.

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:31

yes exactly, it's almost cruel in some ways for a husband to tell his wife he's adamant he's not going to have any more if she's the one who carries the babies, takes responsiblity for them and whose career has taken a hit

but again it depends. DH does a lot with our kids- all the baths and what have you, so in our case it would impact on his life as well. Would totally understand if he said he was just too tired to have another!

GenevieveHawkings · 22/01/2011 14:31

Sakura it can screw children up. Don't underestimate how a mother's negative feelings about having only one child can transfer onto a child and blight their life and experience of having no siblings.

I work with a woman who has only one. Her DH has fertility issues and they managed to have one child by IVF. They can't afford more IVF and she is so resentful of only having one because she says she has no fertility issues. It has blighted her life and she has suffered a lot of depressions etc and she feels so guilty for not providing her DS with siblings as iseally she would have liked a large family.

She claims her DS is often telling her "mum, you hate babies that's why I haven't got any brothers and sisters" and is often upset about not having any. I'm sorry but that can't be for any other reason than her negative feelings transferring on to him - whether she consciously meant them to or not.

My DS on the other hand has never mentioned anything about being an only child - in fact he'd always say quite voluntarily that he loves his life.

For some women only having one child is a huge deal whereas for me who has the family I always wanted with just one child, I just can't relate to it at all.

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:32

when not if she carries the babies

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:33

a mother can have negative feelings about a lot of things; most mothers don't take them out on their kids!

GenevieveHawkings · 22/01/2011 14:35

No, no, no!!! Please don't anyone misunderstand me - I didn't say or mean on any level that being an only child will screw a child's life up - far from it!

I meant that a woman's unresolved issues about the way she feels about only having one child can transfer onto that child and give it a negative experience of being an only child.

I hope that's clarified that.

I have an only child through choice and I think it's fantastic and so does my DS!

GenevieveHawkings · 22/01/2011 14:37

sakura of course they don't mean to "take them out on their kids" but it can happen subconsciously, as it did with my work colleague. She loves her DS above anytihng else but she just can't help it because the bitterness and resentment eats away at her and it has become a part of her.

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:38

yes, I did understand

I think lots of mothers have unresolved issues (being human and all)

but only some mothers take these issues out on their kids. Others don't let their issues tarnish their relationship with their children

GenevieveHawkings · 22/01/2011 14:40

Yes sakura I know you understood what I meant but when HerBeX said:

"Yes I also don't think being an only child will screw your DC up."

she clearly totally misundersatood what I meant.

HerBeX · 22/01/2011 14:42

No I do see what you mean GH. I was responding to S's more general point and not concentrating. Sorry! I agree that if OP doesn't genuinely come to terms with not having other children, then it could affect her feelings about her relationship, her DH and therefore affect her DC, I do agree with that.

So she either has to come to terms with it, re-raise the subject with her DH, or leave and try and find someone else who wants to have more children with her, bearing in mind that she might not find that mythical person and then regret ending her relationship with the father of her child.

Those are her options AFAICS.

GenevieveHawkings · 22/01/2011 14:43

Point taken sakura but I have seen a case where it clearly has happened and I would bet my life savings on it that my work colleagues DS is going to grow up saying he hated being an only child - and that will be down to his mother who has never been able to bring herself to put a positive spin on it for him when he's said to her "you hate babies that's why I haven't got any brothers and sisters".

She's told me herself that she knows that'll happen and the sad things is, that makes her really unhappy too.

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:45

i should have said " I don't think you will screw up your child" but I mistakenly said "I don't think it (being an only child) will screw up your child
HB made a comment on my comment

HerBeX · 22/01/2011 14:46

LOL

We're all just not concentrating here are we?

(Am supposed to be reading Backlash)

sakura · 22/01/2011 14:47

I know it's massive isn't it. We've only got a few days left..

ThePosieParker · 22/01/2011 20:13

Honestly I think most people have an idea of why life is a bit shit for an only child, same as if you only have boys, only have girls, have too many children.....whatever! I have friends who talk about their 'giant' boys, because boys are supposed to be huge you knowHmm and others that have girls [which is so much nicer, doncha knowHmm ].

People ask a woman because usually a woman makes the absolute decision.

Robustly....you could just say that you hate children really and could just about stomach the one you had, do you think it's too late to give him/her up.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2011 20:26

i wouldnt have a child with someone who didnt want one.your dh is unequivocally sendinhg you message no more

this leaves you with painful feeling incomplete and unfinished business

the trick is negotiating a compromise. acknowledgement you are not completely happy but find peace with what you have

if long term you dont find peace and the pain becomes a gulf your marriage will struggle

GenevieveHawkings · 23/01/2011 00:04

"Honestly I think most people have an idea of why life is a bit shit for an only child"

Really, PosieParker? And what sort of people would they be I wonder Hmm

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 01:11

crass generalisation stereotype of only child as dysfunctional.sadly this lazy pseudo-intellectual chuff is oft touted

MrsFlittersnoop · 23/01/2011 01:25

Women don't always make the decision. For many of us, it's taken out of our hands. I lost 3 babies through miscarriage in my early 40's after I married DH.

My DS isn't an only child through "choice".

ThePosieParker · 23/01/2011 08:24

Genevieve...you need to read the rest of the sentence.

MrsF...I said 'usually'.

GenevieveHawkings · 23/01/2011 13:11

So here's the rest of the sentence ThPosieParker (and indeed the rest of the parapraph it was in too!)

"Honestly I think most people have an idea of why life is a bit shit for an only child, same as if you only have boys, only have girls, have too many children.....whatever! I have friends who talk about their 'giant' boys, because boys are supposed to be huge you know and others that have girls [which is so much nicer, doncha know ]."

Sorry, but it doesn't make a bit of sense to me.

Maybe you could explain...?

HerBeX · 23/01/2011 13:51

I interpreted that as meaning people know why life is shit if you are an only child, a middle child, a youngest child, one of only girls, one of only boys etc. - the grass is always greener and whichever sort of family you are in and whatever your place in it, there are shit bits of it and advantages of it.

I didn't interpret it to mean that life is shit as an only child.

GenevieveHawkings · 23/01/2011 21:02

Fair play to you HerBeX for being able to make any sort of sense of it!

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 22:17

i read it as ill informed rant about singletons

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