Eloquent MNers - can you help me articulate the problem with my manager's attitude?

[BerylStreep]

I have been having some issues in work lately. There are other threads about it, but basically I work PT in a male dominated environment. It is a very macho culture.

My employers are placing me under enormous pressure to increase my hours. I have recently had surgery on my shoulder, and have said I am not physically able to increase my hours because of the constant pain and fatigue I experience.

Every time I have had a meeting with my manager about this, he trots out the same old lines, and they really, really annoy me, but I can't exactly articulate what it is I object to.

For instance:
'We have been more than flexible with you to date.'
'We allowed you to commence flexible working 2 years ago.'
'I allowed you to work at the weekend (twice, a year & half ago) so I have been more than flexible.'
'We have been very helpful and supportive over the years.'
The language is very much 'I allowed you to do', whereas in fact, work is a contractual arrangement.

It is almost as if I am supposed to be grateful for being allowed to work pt, and as a result, his current overbearing behaviour (which is most probably discrimination under DDA as well) can be justified. The only word I can think of is paternalistic, and it almost has the tone of an exasperated parent, but I am hoping some of you can help me put my finger on it a bit better.

I have countered these endless pious comments with highlighting that I have also been flexible (willing to change working days, working extra unpaid hours to deliver on deadlines etc), but the attitude still really annoys me.

Can you help me collate my thoughts and define this a bit better?

Beryl that sounds rubbish. At least someone at your work is taking it seriously though. He's pissing me off too.

I agree about posting in employment, I've been impressed by things I've seen there. But still post here too for the feminist perspective.

(And damn Thatcher with her union bashing!)

HR have said that neither of us are bound by the mediation, and that I can always make a formal complaint later.

TBH I really don't think mediation will work, although I am prepared to try it, in the hope it works. I think it also shows willing on my part.

Although I just want to get this resolved, and for it to stop, my trust and confidence in the ability of my manager to manage me in a fair and proportionate manner has been completely eroded. Part of me also hates the idea that this could all be swept under the carpet, and as you say HandDivedScallops, he could just get smarter (although knowing him, smart reserves are not in abundance).

I will post on employment for some advice.

I can't say where I work, or what his particular role is, but if I could, believe me, the irony would leave you speechless (or perhaps not for the cynics).

If its any consolation both senior HR and your staff association seem to be dealing with this well - both by acknowledging this as an issue, and by making interventions - he is really trying his luck on this, and I suspect the pressure will move from you to him - preventing you from taking a sensible lunch break that fits in with a workload that you are responsible for managing is ridiculous and it sounds like it is being seen as that by senior people.

Well done for dealing with this, you have done excellently as he evidently is used to people going mental and leaving or succumbing and performing badly because of the pressure.. and then being criticised for underperformance.

I would recommend now that you also work a few extra hours (at work or at home) getting together performance stats, copies of e-mails thanking you for work, and ideally a marker of how badly the job was done before youif you can do so. A graph or two if you can.

I have had a manager who tried this - but he 'forgot' to use figures to justify himself. A meeting where he claimed I had underperformed was a class act in idiocy with me just saying 'oh, I see, can I see your evidence?... I watched a senior manager leave the room physically deflated and looking at his shoes!! In mediation you should ideally keep calm and watch him hang himself with paranoid bluster - try to ask questions that will make him see red if you can .. like 'is it just me you do this to... why?' in an innocent voice and make strong positive listening body language - he will see it as a direct challenge, the mediator will see you as problem-solving.

If the HR have told you not to send him constant updates this is an extremely positive sign.

Hi OP. Just a few thoughts:

Take professional advice before you proceed with any action on the grounds of sex/gender discrimination. There is no doubt from what you have written that there is a bullying/harrassment issue but unless you can provide clear evidence to demonstrate that you have been singled out on the basis of your sex, then you risk undermining your case for bullying and harrassment. It sounds fairly clear that he is trying to get rid of you - you just need to evidence that the reason it is you rather than A.N.other is because you're a woman and this can be harder than it seems (have never been involved in a sexual discrimination case, but have been invovled in racial and disability discrimination cases - they were arduous and painful and the burden of proof is very much on the complainant - if you don't have factual evidence then you need a huge wealth of anecdotal and circumstantial evidence. You may also need the support of colleagues.)

Personal view: DON'T DO MEDIATION! Mediation is not there to resolve cases of bullying and harrassment, which is what you have on your hands. When organsiations offer mediation in situations like this they are saying one of a few things:

1. "Oh, its just a misunderstanding and if we can get them to sit down and talk about it then it'll be OK." This demeans what you're going through and effectively exonorates him.

1. "Oh, she's kicking up a fuss so we'd better look like we're doing something in case this blows up again in a few months time."

1. "We know it won't work, but we can make it look as though we tried and that will help when we do sack her."

1. "Oh, bollocks. The Manager has cocked up here. Lets do some mediation and hope the problem goes away."

The correct response to an issue of bullying and harrassment is a full and through investigation of every individual involved and the culture of the workplace. Mediation - if there is any - should come after the investigation has been conducted and the conclusions reached.

I hope you are making sure all this extra crap he is making you do (time keeping, advance notice etc) is noted down and that you do it in work hours so they can see how much extra time he is losing your organisation by being unreasonable.
Log everything and buy a nice little dictaphone for your meetings. Make sure you ask him if its ok to record your meetings, if he says 'no' record the meetings secretly anyway.

Deepheat - that is a very perceptive analysis.

I was pissed off to hear that my Head of Department made a comment about Kramer v Kramer, which I thought was pretty dismissive, and suggests that I am at fault.

However, I agreed to try mediation. I have met with the mediator twice, and my understanding is that he gave my manager the bollocking of a lifetime (which is not what I thought mediators do, but he says he is a pragmatist). I have been working from home from last Friday, as it all got too much for me - I was breaking down in tears at work. I saw my GP today, and he was suggesting I go off sick as a result.

The mediator is taking steps to try to arrange for me to have a new line manager, and for a new office (further away from my manager - at the moment my office directly faces his). I don't know if I should make those pre-requisites for me returning to work. The mediator has also arranged a meeting for next week with my manager and me - I don't really know what to expect, and I am dreading it.

TBH, part of me feels so much anger and injustice at this, that I feel I need some official recognition and investigation of what has happened (and preferably some sort of consequence for my manager, such as reference to this on his appraisal, or transfer), not just mediation; the more realistic part of me knows that I don't have the energy for it, and that I will probably be disappointed anyway, as this will not happen, especially as it will be 'all boys together'.

I'm just exhausted, and feel like I need several weeks spending the day in bed. I feel hollow inside.

I have to say that if your mediator is playing straight that this is an excellent performance on their part - they aretreating this seriously and taking action, which is utterly commendable.. and unusual in my experience so though it feels awful, you should be pleased. The fact that this action is on record is similarly an excellent signal. I agree with being careful over your health and would recommend also that you think about massage, counselling, exercise. If you do, and partake, keep records just in case this goes in another direction, but the actions here are the most positive I have heard in about four years of hearing and being involved in cases where managers lose their professionalism in this way, well done for pushing in this direction and though there is a little cost for you, I think that not addressing this and soldiering on might have been more destructive for you, so be proud of yourself and remionsde your self in positive moments how well you are doing.

Sorry - just thought I'd dip in again after a few days. Afraid that I can't agree with Heroine on this one. Your mediator is being unprofessional and stepping way outside of his remit.

Yes, he would appear to be doing so in your favour, but this is a serious situation where people's jobs and - I'm really sorry to hear - health are being affected.

What you need is for everybody involved to fulfill their responsibility properly and to be honest, this is one of the reasons that I feel that mediation isn't a good idea: it isn't the mediator's job to give this bloke a bollocking, it is his boss's job. The fact that the mediator has done this gives your boss's bosses the opportunity/excuse not to take action.

Your responsibility was to raise your concerns, which you have done, and then carry on with your job as best you can, engaging in any investigation as required.

Your company's responsibility is to investigate your concerns thoroughly, reach a conclusion that can be challenged/appealed if necessary, and take appropriate action. This is where the rights and wrongs of the situation should be established.

A mediator's responsibilty is to listen to two parties and facilitate their communication, hopefully to the end of having an amicable and workable reconciliation. Unless the rights and wrongs have been established by your employer after investigation, I don't really see how this process could be in any way effective.

It is your company's job to make a judgement, not the mediator's. The mediator can not implement or recommend any formal action to be taken, either against you or your boss.

I do hope your health/wellbeing picks up. Please don't put it at risk for the sake of saving face in the workplace or for pride. As long as you have good representation, there is no way that this episode of sickness can be used against you.

mediation can give different types of power to the mediator. It can vary.

I'm also dubious about mediation. In my case it was used as a platform to harangue and abuse. At the point when he accused me of physically assulting him I walked out. It simply made the situation worse.

Well I returned to work today, and spent the day in my office with the door closed, catching up.

One of the outstanding issues is that the minutes from the last meeting are completely inaccurate. Both me and the Head of HR have suggested amendments to the minutes. My 'friend' has agreed that my amendments are accurate.

The Head of HR's amendments have been incorporated, and mine have not, despite me requesting on 2 occasions. I asked the secretary who took minutes why they had not been incorporated, and she said it was on direction from my manager. (He had very obviously written the minutes, as originally they contained statements such as 'Head of HR stated he would bring this matter to a DDA case conference to consider Beryl's future in the Department' which wasn't said - HR changed this to 'consider how I could be supported and facilitated'.) I e-mailed the secretary to formally ask why the minutes had not been amended, and she forwarded my query to my manager for response.

He has replied that the minutes will stand 'as-is', and if I want them amended I will have to reconvene a case conference meeting with him to raise the issue (Head of HR had directed no further meetings should take place). I am not prepared to meet with him, as I feel these meetings are being used as an excuse to abuse me further. It is very difficult. I think his response today is evidence of bad faith, and questions his commitment to the mediation process.

I have phoned and left a message with the mediator. I think I will be saying that I need to make a formal complaint and that mediation is clearly not working. I also think I need to go off sick, as this is affecting my ability to work, and I don't want to come in for further criticism from my manager.

Beryl - this is awful. I don't feel I have anything constructive to add, but I really feel for you.

Can you forward email to head of HR?

Take care of yourself.

Thanks.

I have asked HR to ensure minutes are amended. Head of HR thought that my amendments need to be included, and then it can be recorded that the minutes have not been agreed. He said my manager cannot simply refuse to put my amendments in.

This is surreal.

Beryl this situation is getting worse for you isn't it. If you decide to have another mediation session then tape it.

Have you got your amendments to the mediation session minutes down in writing? If not get them down in writing and send them to the secretary. Is she your manager's secretary or HR's secretary. If she is HR's secretary what is she doing taking "orders" from your manager?

And get some legal representation. This is so unbelieveably out of order. I can't understand how legally the minutes can stand "as-is" when you don't agree with them?

Also listen to deepheat she makes much sense!

In fact tape any further meetings you have with your boss/HR anyone. It is not an unreasonable request as they shouldn't be saying anything to you that they don't want recording (and you can make that point to them if they object).

I am also not sure that HR can decree that no more meetings take place? That implies they think that the matter is resolved.

HandDived, the minutes are from the last meeting with my manager & HR, in which my manager tried to force me to increase my hours, not minutes from the mediation. The mediator has only met with us individually so far, not together.

The PS is the PS to the Senior Management Team in my Dept, (My manager is part of the senior management team).

You're right (along with everyone else who has said it). I need legal advice.

Getting on to it now.

No sage advice, just another one wanting to make supportive noises.

It does sound like he is very publicly digging himself a very deep hole.

Best of luck, and take good care of yourself.

Sorry Beryl I misread. Oh even more important to get the minutes right then!!

You are doing everything right you know. You are trying to sort this out through proper channels; you are not the one putting up obstacles (although I wouldn't blame you if you did!); you are listening to HR and following their instructions and you are challenging properly when there are discrepencies. Just keep documenting everything and keep all e-mails etc. Any legal support you get will be grateful for that.

Good luck next week with the meeting with your manager (boo hiss!)