"You'll scare him off"

[tippytap]

Hi,

I rarely post, but lurk a lot and am really interested in the feminist section.

I was at work recently and having a chat with some colleagues, a couple of women and a man. I'm a single Mum and the subject turned to me "meeting someone else".

My relationship with my DD's father was - not nice. Along with all of the other issues in our relationship, I ended up doing ALL the childcare, housework, cooking, shopping etc.

I told my colleagues that I was in no way ready to start a new relationship yet, but if I did and reached the point of moving in together, I'd want to discuss and agree, with my partner who was going to be responsible for which household chores.

My colleagues reactions surprised me - my male colleague blurted out "You can't do that - You'll scare him off!". And both of the women agreed.

I asked if, when they moved in with their partners/spouses, they discussed money and how the bills were to be paid and they all said "Of course", so I asked why house work is different. All they could articulate was that "it is" different and that, if I wanted a bloke, I shouldn't be thinking of bringing up "housework" until I had him cosily living with me.

I think it's rubbish. I have no intention of following this advice - I've been burned once, but I was wondering - Who here discussed this with their DP's/DH's before moving in? If you did, how did it go? and, if you didn't, was this a conscious decision made not to "frighten" the man off?

Sorry if this has turned into a ramble!

dear god not housework hardest job in world line,it isnt

Actually, I think it is a good idea to discuss housework before moving in.

Slobs and neatfreaks living together is never a good combination. In much the same way a skinflint living with a spendthrift is never a good combo.

i had some clarty flatmates and the weren't domesticated.dirty cows

I had an ex (never lived with him) who used to get his mum round to tidy/clean up after him. God he was a tosser but I saw the signs and dumped him. She would have been the MIL from hell but that is a whole different thread.

imo,have shuftie at the mammie and sisters if possible before living over the broom

Good idae - if his mum does absolutely everything for everybody (martyr complex) then he will expect the same from you. Also, never date anyone (unless you and him are under the age of 19) who has never left home.

yes no one wants son of a martyr mammie.

of course we discussed it and as others have said, if this discussion is enough to scare him off, is he really the man for you?

Also, what if he says something in the lines of "Housework? What do you mean, share? It's women's work, my mum does it and now of course you will, surely your natural instinct is to take care of me".

I would certainly like to find out about this before I decide to move in together (or not).

Your colleagues sound like they are defensive of their own domestic setups. If someone shirking their share of the housework is a dealbreaker for you (and why the hell shouldn't it be?) then only fair to be upfront about it. You don't have to make a military-style plan, but a general agreement that you will either be sharing the housework, including cooking, shopping, washing up, cleaning, laundry, etc, or you will have your own specific tasks (e.g. you clean the bathroom and he does the kitchen) sounds fair enough.

It isn't petty. I hate doing housework and could easily leave it all to DP. But why would I expect him to take over a shit job? He doesn't like it either! So I make sure I do my fair share.

We both lived on our own when we met so I knew he had standards. We fit housework around our preferences, I don't mind cleaning toilets but hate taking out the bins. I dye and shrink stuff so he does the washing etc etc.

lol @ son of martyr mammie.

Sounds like a horror film!

I bloody hate housework myself and only do it because I have to.

Oh god I'm so embarrassed.

My mum actually comes round and cleans my house up. Not because I ask her to, but because she is a control freak who thinks my domestic standards are not good enough so she cleans up. And I don't stop her because if I did, she would sit down, read the Sun and engage me in every story about which sleb is fucking a hooker and which one has been admitted to the Priory. And I'd rather she cleaned up.

But yeah your colleagues sound a bit naff - the idea that you'd be interested in a man who might be scared off by something you consider important, is more than a little insulting actually. Like you should be grateful to have him or something. Jeez.

DP and I discussed this before we moved in together - things like how we were going to do laundry (shared or separately), where we were going to do the shopping and how often we needed to go, who was going to cook on which days (needed to fit this around our work and other committments). Which day was bin day and that one of us needs to remember to take it out.

It seems only common sense to discuss this stuff, so everyone knows what needs to be done, and you have a chance to figure out how it's going to get done. I had similar conversations when moving in with new flatmates as a student. I would have been quite confused if DP had seemed 'scared' by the conversation or said he assumed I would take care of all the household work. It's his house just as much as mine.

I wonder if it makes a difference if one of you is moving in with the other, rather than both moving into a new place at the same time (as we did). Maybe there's a tendency for the person already living there to keep doing everything they previously did?