Bit of a difficult post for me, so apologies in advance if I ramble a bit.
I have a very good and very old friend, who married an utter arse of a man. Manipulative, abusive (physically and emotionally), gaslighting twat of the first order. He was controlling to the point that for 4-5 years, the only contact we could have with each other (me and friend) was in secret, she was allowed no other friends (we managed to find ways round this), was banned from contact with her family. She wasn't allowed out of the house except with prior permission (he used to ring to check she was home), he decided her haircut (cut by him at home), her clothes (all bought by him), what she ate, she was allowed no money of her own etc etc. As well as beating her up and raping her constantly. You know the type.
Eventually, she found the strength within her to leave him, with the help of friends and a women's shelter, who provided immense practical help as well as a home for a while. She is now back on her feet and finding her way in life again.
The problem (and I'm not sure if its a problem, hence why I'm posting) is that she has formed a very close friendship with one of the women she met via the shelter (woman was a facilitator at a self-help meet thing, so volunteer, but in a position of trust). And I'm a bit worried that she has just swapped one controlling relationship for another.
They cam to stay with me last week since they are holidaying together (first holiday for friend in about 15 years!), and I was a bit shocked at some of what I saw. So, first of all, said woman was a bit rude to me, berating me for playing the patriarchal game in my job, sucking up to men and profiting from the opppression of women. She sees working in capitalist organisations as inherently patriarchal and oppressive, which may well be true, but she was quite happy to eat my food, live in my house for a week, drink all of my wine (which is staggeringly expensive here!) and let me pay for everything for her and my friend (NB, happy to do so for friend, she is very dear to me and I'm happy that she's with me on holiday after such a long time, so would probably have been a bit awkward if I hadn't also paid for her companion - its just that I think its a bit rich to openly criticise source of wealth whilst dining off the profits!).
More worryingly, she is very very controlling about my friend. So my friend suggested some things to do (eg shopping, visiting floating market), only for other woman to refuse to do them, and belittle friend for wanting to do them, so that friend eventually backed down and didn't go.
She sent her back to her room to change out of an outfit that she said was too revealing and denigrating to women (outfit was a strapless maxi dress) because it displayed them as sexual objects.
She shouted at her for wearing make up and high heels for the same reason.
She told her off for reading some chick lit, and launched into a 10 minute long tirade about how she should "better herself" by reading some proper writing (Dworkin, Wolff and Faludi given as examples, which in itself I probably applaud, but the context was awful), telling her that if she had educated herself better, she wouldn't have ended up married to the arse.
And every time friend expressed an opinion about something, she shouted her down, grilling her and arguing with her until eventually friend either shut up or changed her POV. So she shut down conversation and debate about all kinds of things, from obviously contentious topics battlegrounds like transexuality, giving up a career to raise children, adoption, surrogacy, plastic surgery and porn, to really light topics such as whether high heels are anti-feminist, and whether girls really like doing ballet or are conditioned to like it. All with a constant refrain of "if you were a real feminist, you wouldn't think that". My friend was literally not allowed to have her own opinion on anything at all, unless that opinion converged with the other womans
DH thinks I'm over-reacting because I just don't like said woman after she was rude to me (and yes I admit I don't like her). he reckons that this is just part of a consciousness-raising process that many people go through, and that my friend will emerge at the other end intact and with her own voice and able to stand up and argue with the other woman. I think my friend has just swapped one controlling nutter for another one. Particularly worried since at the end of the holiday it emerged that she will be moving in with this woman, and will be taking a job with her, with this woman as a boss. Alarm bells ringing, or should I just let it roll?