Marketing yourself to others as a woman

[snoozathon]

How I look dictates how my day, month and life go. Who told me to act this way? Why am I constantly marketing myself? Why do I care, given that I have a loving DH and am not trying to attract a mate?

I didn't used to be particularly bothered about how I looked, and had fluffy, mousey hair lopped off badly at my chin and bad skin throughout school and uni, ate what I liked at a size 12-14 and rarely bought new clothes. I identified myself as intelligent and introverted. I wasn't very popular (people thought I was a bit odd) but threw myself into academia.

I now highlight my hair expensively and straighten my hair daily until it shines and swings around my shoulders. I use foundation to cover acne scars and mascara to make my eyes look bigger. I limit my food intake to maintain a size 8-10 figure and limit my natural pear-shape. I wear heels every day at work despite the pain. I wear uncomfortable underwired bras that make my breasts look higher and bigger. I airbrush myself daily before stepping out of the door. I'm like a person newly made over every morning.

I make all of this effort because I know people now meet me and treat me like an interesting person worth talking to and giving attention to, whether that's at work, out at Tesco or in the pub.

If I wander around Tesco with unstraightened hair scraped back, I feel like I speak with a stupid voice to the checkout person and they have to ask me to repeat myself and look at me strangely. If I don't wear high heels to work, my colleagues comment that I look shorter and I hear my legs look short and fat. if I have a bad hair day, my day at work will be awful, my temper will be short and my patience limited. I didn't answer the door to my driving instructor because I'd forgotten the lesson was booked and I hadn't washed my hair. If I go out with my DH and his work colleagues, I feel their eyes on me - what class am I, am I skinny and disciplined, am I insouciantly fashionable, are my skin and teeth glowing? Am I worthy of their company?

Would a man ever care so much about how others perceive him? I KNOW this is nurture and not nature, because my wonderful feminist mother steered me away from anything faintly pink or 'girly' and this is only since the age of about 24 I have understood the point of going to all this effort.

God, am I the only one who feels so judged? I'm currently TTC, will all of this change when I have kids and become a SAHM or will I then be obsessed with appearing to be the perfect wife and mother?

The weird thing is, I feel so self-obsessed in writing that but I know I'm right, I am more popular, successful and relatively rich because I have discovered how to make myself look nice :(

(This is the first time I've started a thread on MN and I'm starting in the Femi arena.... be nice!)

Hmm I guess although I do no more of less than most, I feel so annoyed about it because I know how crap I will feel if I don't do it. It sounds like lots of you do this stuff regularly but if you didn't one day, it wouldn't bother you.

I am over aware of how others view me, without divulging too much my job involves performing and I have in the past in pressured situations suffered from panic attacks and depression due to PTSD.

I am no longer on medication and my life is pretty peachy, but it is so important to me to be viewed by even strangers as attractive, happy and successful on every level.

It's my motivation that's the problem, I can see. I'm not as much in control as I thought.

" unless you propose to them or start singing Right Said Fred songs or something."

No, this is largely your lack of self-esteem speaking I'm afraid. You are unlikely to have been less attractive at university - but you have now decided that it matters that you look a certain way, then you didn't think it did.

There is undoubtedly a club that requires odd grooming rituals to allow you entry, but you don't have to aspire to belong to it. Any grooming that you find burdensome, is too much. Assuming that you leave the house clean and dressed that is. Anyone worth their salt, can get by with intelligence, wit and good humour, regardless of the state of their nails or the straighened status of their hair.

I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were vain or silly snooze.

I do think you need to examine why "it is so important to me to be viewed by even strangers as attractive, happy and successful on every level" though.
If someone is so shallow they will think badly of you for looking a "mess", that's their problem, not yours.

Funny you should say that snooz - I was going to ask (in relation to the "behaviour of the people around you" thing) whether a)your career depended to an extent on looking good e.g. TV presenter, or if looking very well groomed was the norm in your career. E.g. air steward. I think the expectations around you have a lot to answer for.

Of course societal expectation plays a part, but society isn't just the person in the street / the media, it's also the daily people you interact with and whose opinion matters to you. I am surprised at the posters saying "who cares what people think?" - um, doesn't everyone, even if only on some occasions? Everyone judges on appearances to some extent.

How is your DH about his/your appearance?

Interesting thread, and I can see shades of myself in your post.

I think that I was plain, plump and unhappily unfashionable at school and at uni I was deliberately scruffy and anti-fashion but much happier in myself. Part of this was starting to get into a sport much more seriously, and the subsequent boost in self esteem.

I started work for a year and had to smarten up a bit, but never got the whole intensive grooming issue. Then came a PhD which was another excuse to be amazingly scruffy and do a lot of sport!

What I have noticed over the past 8 years is that I now seem to have two 'modes': professional/work which involves blow dried hair, some make-up, heels, smart fitted clothing and accessories. Then at the weekends/holidays I am my 'normal' self which basically means no make-up, fluffy hair, and sailing kit!

I am happy with both facets but it is fair to say work friends are shocked when they see me 'au naturel', and sailing friends have frequently not recognised me when I arrive straight from work.

I find I can tolerate the slightly distasteful issue of primping and preening for work, because I see it as not defining me, but just blending in.

I can tolerate looking less polished out of work because I feel my attractiveness and value comes from my opinions and abilities not my looks.

All in all, I think it is about where your self esteem is rooted. I have no idea where the next 9 months of mat leave (no work or sport) is going to leave me.

DH is vehr good-looking

He came along to a work event and 2 people I work with and don't know very well came up to me afterwards and asked who the young handsome man was

He makes me feel great, he's one of the reasons life is so good. He doesn't make me feel like I have to look fantastic, but I guess a lot of people at his work and in his social circle are posher than me and attractive, which I find very intimidating.

Antidote

"I can tolerate looking less polished out of work because I feel my attractiveness and value comes from my opinions and abilities not my looks."

Surely that's a bit upside down! I also worry about where maternity leave is going to leave my self-esteem, especially as we plan for me to be a SAHM, which I'm really looking forward to.

Surely your value whilst you are at work, should come from your opinions and abilities even more so than when you are outside of work?

everything - I think she was answering my question "How is your DH about his/your appearance?" in two parts, not saying he's only her husband because he's fitty of the year :)

Haha no he's a total bimbo

Of course. He's amazing and lovely, clever, resourceful and kind, practical and funny and well endowed

DH is most definitely not part of the problem, he wishes I felt confident all the time and hates that I feel less attractive than eg his work colleagues. He compliments me even slobbing in trackies in front of the telly.

Oh, and snooz - it is a costume, it really is. I don't know whether your work involves actual dressing up or not :) but dressing for work is disguising yourself as a worker to a certain extent. Most people (not firemen etc obviously) could do a full day's work just as well in their pyjamas, but we dress as workers because that's what's expected.

"Dressing up as a woman" is something that I think quite a lot of feminists have explored - something like performative femininity??

snooz - it sounds like work is at the heart of your problem. Do you actually like your job (noted that you are looking forward to being a SAHM)?

I guess what you mean Antidote is that your friends and family are less likely to judge you on your appearance than work colleagues and aquaintances?

Sorry, re-reading that didn't make as much sense as it did in my head!

The 'dressing up' for work is to blend in with the expected 'professional' image. That, in part, affects how people respond to me and therefore how effectively I can do the job, but it has no bearing on my intrinsic ability to do what I consider the important /intellectual/ interesting part that I've spent years training for! And could do just as well in pyjamas.

My VALUE at work (for my employers) is a combination of how well I can do the actual intellectual aspect of it AND how well I interact with others. I feel dressing up has an impact on that, which I do resent slightly, but can tolerate because I don't feel my appearances defines me in other spheres of my life.

I don't really equate dressing for work, with the grooming, as making myself 'attractive', that comes from what I think, how I act, and other abilities such as success at sport. I feel just as sexually attractive (or more so) in non-work mode.

So yes snoozathon I think my work colleagues are more likely to conflate my appearance with my abilities, whereas without the grooming I am judged more on my intrinsic merits.

Great thread - thanks for starting,snooz.

I agree with Elephants about dressing up and putting on a costume for work.When I first went for promotion to a managerial role ,ans surprised myself by getting the post,I managed my initial anxieties by maintaining "interview standard" clothes/hair/make-up etc.

I found this enabled me to stay focussed on the role I had to play as a team leader.I had previously been pretty casual about my appearance,but now have "work clothes" -smart stuff -which I would have no reason to wear when "off duty".

What has happened is that I have started to take more care over general grooming outside of work.I seem to have raised the bar for myself! I think this has to do with nurturing my own self esteem through the process of making a bit of an effort.I do feel more positive when I think about putting myself together tidily .

I used to have low self esteem,and have always had a poor relationship with my NPD mother.

Getting to grips with my appearance has been part of the process of learning to like and value myself as a woman.

I am on maternity leave ,and am finding that striving to keep clean and tidy really helps me to keep on top of my tendency to slip into negative feelings about myself.
With previous pregnancies,one of the ok things about returning to work ,was the luxury of putting "posh" clothes on again.But I had a partner then ,and the help to find time in the mornings!

What I find interesting ,is the template of what is "tidy and presentable" to me.This definitely has to be media/consumer driven,as my own taste and preference would probably lean toward more flamboyant colours and shapes than my job/the small town in which I live would find "normal" and,much as I like dressing up - festivals for example - I'd rather blend in so that my appearance doesn't detract from what I am saying,or provide an opportunity for others to categorise me - not that I care ,much, but just can't be bothered.

I like the idea that it's just putting on a costume for work, dressing up.

I have prioritised work throughout my twenties and work my butt off, really long hours, thinking it's the one thing which fulfils me. If I'm successful at work and earns lots of money, I'm a success. Thing is then that it ceases to be a costume if you're wearing it all the fricking time.

But I cannot wait to put all of that to one side and concentrate on being a SAHM and devoting myself to children. I'm a loving person and I think because I've had various traumas, I've become quite hard-headed as a defence mechanism. I hope that motherhood changes me in a good way. Unconditional love, a big close family, they are the things I really want

Work hasn't fulfilled me in the way I thought it would, even though it's challenging and I'm good at it, it still makes me stressed and too tired to think about much else.