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Original poster

Book Club - new member wants to take over

27 replies

Airworld · 09/09/2023 08:44

I’m just wondering what people think, although this hasn’t actually happened yet and what I’ve been told could be incorrect.

I’ve been in an informal book club based at my gym (national chain) since it started up two years ago by another member. The gym themselves have no involvement whatsoever.

A woman came along to a session (held 10am once a month) a few months ago and we’ve not seen her since, aside from around the gym. One of the gym staff attends and has just told me that this woman told her that she is going to take over hosting the group, the WhatsApp group, and as she has a lot of time on her hands she will be making it a formal group.

Apparently she was not impressed that we spend about 15-20 mins discussing that month’s book and the rest of the time chatting over coffee. We take it in turns to choose the next book. I must impress that this is a very informal group, everyone seems happy and they keep coming back.

If this was me I’d come along for a few months and basically ‘read the room’, maybe bring some book questions along and suggest we look at and discuss some and see what the reactions are etc?

We are so informal we don’t even have a host as such, I took over as admin of the WhatsApp when the original founder moved away. We have our next meeting this week and I’m just wondering how to respond if this woman does try to take over and dictate how we are run. I don’t think the other members will be thrilled somehow.

OP posts:
EVHead · 09/09/2023 08:48

You have to be assertive with her. She can’t take over admin if you don’t let her.

Phrases like “The group is working fine, thanks”, “I’m admin on the WhatsApp and I’m happy to keep doing it”, “We don’t want to change things at the moment, thanks”, etc., repeat until she backs off.

Don’t be bullied!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/09/2023 08:50

I must impress that this is a very informal group, everyone seems happy and they keep coming back

That's your message and you keep repeating it. 'We don't want anything more formal, thanks (and goodbye).'

WaitingForSunnyDays · 09/09/2023 08:53

Suggest how lovely she's so keen, and she's welcome to start her own, more formal group on a different day, and people then have the choice of two different styles.

GalileoHumpkins · 09/09/2023 09:30

She can't take over if you don't let her, surely it's that simple. She's free to start her own group where she can be lead dictator.

rhino12345 · 09/09/2023 09:35

Ha! I had an identical situation at the start of the year not with a book club, but with another group that I personally had set up 😂😂 Honestly the brass neck on some people.
I was just very firm and said "well people like the group the way it is. If you want to set up your own one, go ahead..." etc.

NuffSaidSam · 09/09/2023 09:39

It sounds like she wants a completely different book group. Hopefully, the gym can spare another room/the same room at different time. Then there can be two book groups.

Original poster
Airworld · 09/09/2023 10:22

Thanks all, glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bit off of her.

I guess some people like serious groups where a book can be thoroughly analysed but we aren’t like that. One member joined us after being in a group where anyone who didn’t finish the book, or join in the whole discussion etc, was berated and told off and that wasn't the vibe she was looking for.

OP posts:
JellyfishandShells · 09/09/2023 10:35

Why are some people like this ? Same attempted situation with our group, though it’s more formalised in structure. New member, known to most by other routes, attends one, seems to like it then starts with wanting to change day, time, place and have a vote on every book choice. We take turns to choose and supply ( use our local library’s fabulous free extensive set supply service for groups) and it has worked very well so far.

She was told that we had gone through all this when setting up and had checked a couple of months ago that it was still ok by everybody so, politely, stroll on and start your own group, no one is stopping you.

TheMountainsCall · 09/09/2023 10:44

I thought it was normal for book clubs to spend a good chunk of the time not discussing the book?

Maybe this woman needs to start a new group that is more to her liking.

Riverlee · 09/09/2023 10:53

I agree with the others, tell her if she isn’t happy with the set up, she can start her own book club up.

Yours sound like ours, we chat about the book, but also chat about other things. The books chosen are random, we all tend to put in ideas. Ie. Sone one mentioned we’d never read a biography, and a second person suggested a couple she heard were good. If you don’t like the book, it doesn’t matter, we can’t all like the same books, and makes a more interesting discussion. Some read the book, others listen on audible. Also doesn’t matter if you haven’t finished the book or even read it at all.

Viviennemary · 09/09/2023 19:54

She needs to be told no and to start up her own book club if she wants things run differently. And sorry but the structure is set up already and won't be changing and thanks but you already have an admin person in place. In other words fo

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/09/2023 22:18

It's a shame that she's not satisfied with the current group but she could put her organisational skills to starting a different group at a different time.

BaconAndAvocado · 18/09/2023 17:32

Bloody hell, 10-15 minutes on the book?! We’re lucky if we manage 5 minutes!
The rest is chat, sometimes book-related but often lots of other stuff too.
Wouldn't change it for the world.

You need to put this usurper in her place!

OneLittleFinger · 22/09/2023 17:22

How have you got on since, @Airworld ?

Original poster
Airworld · 22/09/2023 18:31

@OneLittleFinger we had a meeting last week and we had numerous members away this month so only about 5 arrived plus this new woman. Word had got out about her before the meeting and no one was impressed with her apparent intentions.

She tried to dominate by talking absolutely non-stop and over people at times. There was a couple of unhappy faces from regulars and some interjected to just get a word in.

What annoyed me, and I’m sure the others, is that she started criticising a member who wasn’t there saying he didn’t read the book last time so why does he come along etc, and that he looks like he has issues with drugs like her DD did. This member has a serious MH condition which we know about and sometimes isn’t in the right headspace (as he says) to read the book, but he still comes to meetings because it helps him get out and be with people etc. I told her he does not have drug issues and anyone is entitled to not read the book because sometimes life gets in the way. I suspect she is going to be a PITA, not to mention judgemental.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 22/09/2023 19:10

Perhaps introduce a no criticising other members rule? "Sigh. I'm disappointed and surprised we need this but recent events Paddington stare have shown we do..."

highlandcoo · 22/09/2023 19:14

So tricky OP; I sympathise. I had a very similar situation with a walking group I'd set up years ago. We were a nice friendly relaxed bunch and used to enjoy having lunch together after a walk.

A new woman joined and the whole vibe changed. She was a very judgemental, bitter woman and did nothing but bitch and comment cynically if anyone said anything positive about their life. She also used to email me the most revolting mysoginistic "jokes" and cartoons - I had to ask her to stop.

Long-term members were on the point of leaving and I was just about to have a conversation with her when she disappeared never to return. Huge relief.

I think you may lose some of your group if nothing's said. Time to be assertive and honest I think. At the very least, I would take five minutes at the start to remind everyone of the "rules" - even if you haven't needed them before.

For example, one book group I attended started by going round the group and each person in turn said what they thought with no one allowed to interrupt. After that the conversation flowed more naturally but it did ensure that even the least assertive person got a hearing.

Another rule would be that you do not have to read the book. Another could be no personal comments or passing comments on people who are absent. Which should be completely obvious of course!

These comments can be dressed up as a general reminder and not solely directed at her, although everyone will understand where you're coming from. If your annoying individual takes the huff and leaves .. well that would be a result.

Such a shame to let one person spoil things for everyone else. She doesn't care about your feelings so, without being rude, it's time to speak up and get back to the nice atmosphere you had before.

OneLittleFinger · 22/09/2023 20:47

That's such a shame! How many are there of you? Could you move to a house for a month or two and not tell her? Not nice, maybe, but what she's planning isn't exactly nice either, and taking it away from the gym means you don't have to please anyone but yourselves.

Otherwise you need to have a chat amongst yourselves (but not her) and come up.with a plan to be resolute. She's welcome to start a new group, but is completely out of order to try and make your successful group fit her mould.

Riverlee · 22/09/2023 20:54

How rude!

in our book club, if you haven’t read the book or didn’t finish it, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes life gets in the way. Criticising someone is not on!

Chipperchopper · 22/09/2023 21:08

I'm a member of a book group and have a similar problem with it. It used to be a great, balanced discussion with the leader asking interesting questions and listening. The woman who took over just gives her opinions, does a lot of the talking, doesn't really listen and didn't agree when someone else suggested arriving with some starting point questions to try to widen out the discussion. However, she has now been usurped by another woman who completely dominates each discussion - monologues of 5 mins and talking over people etc, and pushing her own choice of book. People are too timid to say anything. It's a shame as it's definitely putting off some of the other members from turning up. If you run a book group don't forget to listen, ask questions and try to give everyone a chance to say something. If someone is dominating the chat try to move it on.

OneLittleFinger · 17/10/2023 19:38

@Airworld I keep thinking of you and your bookclub. Have you had this month's meeting yet? Hope you've managed to get your new member under control.

Ogonek · 21/10/2023 14:46

Yes, I’d be interested to hear how you got on as well @Airworld.

My sympathies, as our book club has been successively captured by a chain of very self-obsessed people. A new one has recently appeared and it feels like a bit of a last straw. DH and I are resigned to the fact that we'll have to leave the group if we can’t stand it any more, and it’s rapidly approaching that point, alas.

Tanktanktank · 04/11/2023 18:00

Your group sounds great, definitely my sort of thing, see what happens and if she interferes, point out it works well as it is and she should definitely start her own if she’s not liking it.

StellaLaBella · 04/11/2023 18:13

Our very small, very fun book club was completely destroyed by one person who just kept falling out with other members, we eventually just gave up. We used to all be close friends, but there was no talking to her. It still pisses me off to be honest, we had such a good thing going for years but we've resigned ourselves to it being a lost cause Sad

StellaLaBella · 04/11/2023 18:15

I guess you can only edit on the website, not the app, but forgot to add I hope you were successful in getting this bitch to back off OP!

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