has anyone read surenderedwives by laura doyle?

[granarybeck]

I couldn't decide what i thought of it. i thought i would be instantly against it but some of the points in it are quite interesting.

what were the interesting points? the reviews I read sounded infuriating so I'd be fascinated to know

some parts were infuriating. Others did strike a bit of a cord, such as feeling like the only adult in the house. She suggests this is mainly due to wanting to be in control of evrything for fear that otherwise nothing would get done. She suggests that by giving up always doing things for husband eg booking a dentist appointment/buying his clothes and making small criticisms/suggestions about everything he does shows trust in him, will lead to more intimate relationship and shared responsabilities. She promotes simply stating what you want and providing you partner with an oppurtunity to provideit rather than nagging him into doing something. She also promotes self-care ensuring you do three things a day that make you feel good or feel better after doing them. She is adamant about handing over financial management to your husband, leaving behind anxiety/worry, forcing trust, leading to intimacy and in her opinion he will earn moe money! It was this bit about giving up money control that i was dubious about, my dh is crap with stuff like that, but then again he's never had to do it as i have always had control. she keeps making comparisons between his mother and his wife in how we treat dh - bit scary to mull over. Anyway was worth a read even if just to rant at.

was annoyed with myself that i found myself agreeing with some things she said about situations that occur rather than just thinking it was all rubbish.

No way no way no way am I handing over my earnings to dp!

I read that as earrings MI

granarybeck, I have read reviews on this too, but not the book. I can see her point about making your dh responsible for stuff, in this in turns means he becomes more responsible over everything. I would dearly like to hand over some of the financial responsibility of our family to DH, but he won't take it. We had a row as I threatened to leave him to it I have insisted we sit down and go through it all so he understands what is going on as our situation has just changed and more money is coming in. But he just reacts like a child and tells me to 'dish him out pocket money' so he know what he is 'allowed' to spend.

To become a surrendered wife I think you need a man who is prepared to 'step up to the plate' occassionally and not be such a f*ing wimp. I do make his GP appointments because the receptionist is 'mean'.

I completely know the feeling. I would really suggest reading her book, not that i agrredw ith all of it. She says to think of how you saw your dh when you met him eg capable. My dh had a similar reaction. It got to the point where i was considering leaving him as i wanted to feel looked after and cared for (not losing independance but not feeling like i was the only one keeping things floating). she also has a chapter on 'always mentally having your bags packed' thinking you can find someone better. Hence reason i was so desperate to have picked up this book from library shelf. If nothing else it has given me a different way of looking at things and i have practised saying 'i can't', not as in not capable but in choose not to do things. things between me and dh are looking better anyway.

I remember seeing a TV program which followed 3 (or maybe 4) women trying to apply the books to their lives. It worked very well for them, but they were increadibly controlling to start with so it wasn't so much that they had to be surrendered wives as they just had to learn to go with the flow generally and not feel responsible for everything in their environment. They also had rather sweet husbands who wanted their wives (and the whole family) to be happy. I think the book works on the assumption that the husband is capable and loving, otherwise leaving every decision up to him is just asking for trouble.

I am a "lazy wife", which seems to work very well, perhaps I should write a book on it.

I did an online quiz to see if I was surrendered or not. Apparently I am. Anyone who knows me on here will understand just how ridiculous that is.

granarybeck, that is spot on to how I feel. I want to be looked after and cared for, but like you say be independant too. I know I do far too much for him and have a tendancy I treat him like an incapable child. It is as much a change in me as him. I wish I could take that first step, and that is why I want him to be involved with the finances, but it is hard as I am a bit controlling.

Perhaps I should read it... afetr the milion other books I must read.

i think you are right crunchie, i realised that it was me as well as him who did need to change a bit. i am just so used to thinking that women are more effective than men that i have allowed dh to be completely ineffective. me letting go of someof the control and responsability whether he wnted me to or not seems to be giving him the kick up the arse he needed. I think he is starting to see me as a person like he did all those years ago when we were first together rather than somebody who runs his life for him. .

My BF gave it to me as a joke wedding present. As I am the sole earner in our household, everytime I hand over some cash to dh there's usually a joke about surrending my money.

granarybeck, that is exactly how I feel! I am fed up with being the "only" adult in the house & having the constant hassle of the finances. I'm also the one always saying wecan'tafford it & spoiling everyone elses's fun. BUT there is no way I could hand it over because he just won't do it! When he did have control over the money he'd earn a bonus & spend it- forgetting the red phone bill.

I read this book ages ago. She said she let her DH do the finances even though the house got repossessed or something scarey. No way. Couldn't do that. Some of what she said made sense though.

Lou33, where's the quiz? I do the finances in our house, but I like it. We're a "joint decision, single implementation" household. We make decisions together but only one of is in charge of implementing them. Don't know if that makes sense, but it works well for us. I guess if the overall point she's making is that you should share responsibilities, then I'm all for it. If she's saying "the husband should do this particular bit because he's the guy, the wife should do that particular bit because she's the girl", then I think she's a nutter who has obviously made some good points, as the evidence is there.

I want to know where the quiz is too!

There's a quiz here Haven't done it yet but doubt very much that I'm a surrendered wife.

It's here!

message withdrawn

I got 88 on the quiz... I remember this book coming out 3-4 years ago, it must have been; I actually phoned up and got on Woman's Hour (Radio 4) to discuss it. I always think, "What if those men start gambling, having affairs, beating their wives up?" Those women won't believe surrender is such a great thing, then!

Shoot, twiglett, I only got a 90! Will beat you next time.

I can have my husband post tomorrow and tell you all that I am not quick to apologize.

I got an 80, does that mean I have SURRENDERED?

Oh dear. Got 34. I said there was a problem..

I got 76. Good grief.

Mr Surrendered is at the supermarket with the Surrendergirls at the moment.

The shame...!

(PS would doubtless have scored higher if had not said am frequently exhausted and not interested in sex - both being linked conditions to having small children

For any lady who is considering joining the Laura Doyle Ridiculously Happy Wives Programme or Relationship Coach Training Programme, I encourage you to read my following review first, which explains my experience during the July 2023 intake, which sadly was not a positive experience.

relationshipcoachtrainingreviews.wordpress.com/

Ridiculously Happy Wives Programme
Fucking hell who would join that? 😂