Sum up a novelists books in a few sentances............

[redrubyshoes]

Anita Brookner.

Middle aged woman lives alone in London. Goes for walks at dusk. Goes to Paris or nearly has an adventure/love affair. Goes home and continues her life of living in London. Alone. Going for walks at dusk. She speaks French though.

Marilyn French.

All men are bastards who use women as a receptacle to wank into and then leave them with the kids. Leave the bastards before they get the chance.

Barbara Cartland.

Girl meets horrid arrogant man and vows to never speak to him again. Girl meets nice but boring man and gets engaged to him. Horrid and arrogant man saves her from nice but boring man and kisses her. She falls in love with horrid and arrogant man because he is nice after all and marries him.

That Rachel Cusk thing is brilliant. I loved "A Life's Work" - read it and nodded grimly throughout after the birth of each DC. But everything else she writes is impossible. She sometimes writes in the Guardian Review section and I can't make it through one paragraph before she's overintellectualising and poncing and generally being annoying. And I am a Guardian reader so I generally speaking quite like that sort of thing.

J D Salinger

Disaffected teenage boy. Gets expelled. He gets into a bit of trouble. Takes his sister on a merry go round. A record gets smashed. Life gets a better.

Author writes a few more books and becomes a recluse for the rest of forever.

Proust.

Just try to use some fecking punctuation. Please.

H.E. Bates

Darling Buds of May

Rural idyll of food, happy family and a disturbing undercurrent of adultery and incest.................the bit where Ma Larkin is painting Mariette in the nude and Pa is hanging around trying to get a look.

Reminds me of Fred West in a weird way.

Jonathon Franzen: no, I can't do this one!
Nancy Mitford: upper class young women with great senses of humour fall in love in the wrong places. Do admit!

Christine Diana and Josepheine Pullein Thompson:

Girl meets pony

Georgette Heyer:

Headstrong heroine wearing nightie and hat like coalscuttle meets rich, powerful and urbane Lord Rather-Unpleasant, who has grey eyes and a blue coat which is so tight he can't get in or out of it without his valet. He looks her up and down through eyeglass and sneers. She is miffed. She goes to a posh niterie where you have to suck up to a coven of aristocratic old bags to get an entry ticket. She sees Beau Brummel and everyone fancies her. Someone elopes to Gretna Green and is hotly pursued by someone else. She gets herself in a right old pickle through her own recklessness but is eventually rescued by Lord R-U, who turns out to be quite nice after all. He tells her he loves her, seizes her roughly in his arms and puts a stop to her feeble protests by kissing her very hard on the mouth.

Reader looks her own DH up and down through her Specsaver eyeglasses and weeps.

[applauds Roxy]

Ian Fleming: Barely functioning alcoholic looks at himself in the mirror and sees International Man of Mystery and Glamour. A nation's male half looks over his shoulder and aspires.

Thomas Hardy: it's grim down South

We're going on a Bear Hunt.

A family of 5 battle the elements. They go through; grass, mud, a river, a blizzard, a forest and a cave. They find a bear. They run away home. The bear runs after them.They slam the door in his face and hide under the covers. Poor old bear goes back to his cave on the rugged Cornish coast. He's a bit sad.

Stephen King - Either brilliant crystalline prose, both scary and thought provoking at the same time, or utter drivel written when Mrs K. says "but dear, the mortgage is due, do write something quickly"

Sherrilyn Kenyon - Gorgeous perfect hunk meets feisty woman with self esteem issues. They have sex. He leaves. They meet again (have lots more sex) and he is The One, and she is The One and together they save the world, get married, and have at least one perfect child.

Jane Austen - Girls with ridiculous parents and not enough money (or Emma Woodhouse, with too much money but a completely ridiculous father) will get the right man for them in the end, after having lots of pithy conversations (and probably some heart ache or at least some Emma Woodhouseian self-revelations) on the way.

Pat Barker - there will be war. And sex. And more war. And a lot more sex. Unless you are Wilfred Owen in which case you will be quite repressed and then die.

Lesley Pearse: beautiful girl with amazing personality has crap life. Something good happens. Something bad happens. Life gets wonderful. Something really bad happens. Girl gets with amazing man. They all live happily ever after. Except for the bad guys who die or go to prison.

Philippa Gregory: I am a queen. I must be free. My cousin Elizabeth wishes me harm but she shall learn that I am a queen thrice over and I must be free. My body is sacred. No man shall put his hand on me. I will be free! Oh bugger, now they're going to cut my head off.

Good work all who posted. I feel very well read now.

Ta muchly.

Victor Hugo: People die. a villain seeks redemption and becomes a hero. More people die. Paris has lots of sewers. Some more people die. All women have not a single thought in their heads whereas all men have far too many thoughts. A few more people die. It turns out there are only about 100 people in all of Paris anyway so villain-turned-hero keeps bumping into the hero-who-is-really-a-bit-villainous. Anyone not dead yet also dies. Villain-turned-hero never gets a happy ending then dies miserably too.

Jean de Brunhoff: a herd of elephants morphs into a 1930s ideal of the French bourgeoisie.

Martina Cole: Tart with a heart meets total waster, tragic consequences, bitter tragedy but she rises above it and comes out good.

Stephen King: Loner chugs a lot of beer (I may have drunk beer, but only in Stephen King novels do they "chug" it), finds something creepy, survives despite everything thrown at him.

Sophie Kinsella: Improbable character with ridiculous shopping habits meets apparently sensible man who ignores her shallowness. Farcical mishaps, "hilarious" misunderstandings then a happy ending.

Elinor M Brent Dyer: Two girls with uninspiring names form a school in Austria, morphs into Wales and then Switzerland. All teachers able to teach their subjects in 3 fluent languages (love to see Ofsted's take on that), lots of standing in draughts and suddenly developing life threatening illnesses requiring treatment from a St Bernard. Health and Safety and many safeguarding issues occur with pupils who regularly are stranded up, down mountains, in floods, lakes, rivers, seas, and have male doctors prodding them at the drop of a hat. Lots of tubercular parents who die or run away leaving said children as 'wards' of the school. Girls with uninspiring names marry men with equally boring names and have vast quantities of children.

Hully Gully - I'll take the Pullien Thompsons and raise you Ruby Ferguson - girl meets TWO ponies!

Elinor M Brent Dyer (further condensed):
Mean girl goes to nice school. There is a terrible accident. Mean girl is sorry. Ex mean girl given boys name. Ex mean girl learns life lesson about 'playing the game' and 'being a brick'. All is well.

Hullygully love the Cormac MacCarthy one - so true (even though I love his stuff)

Harry Potter:

Book 1
"You're a wizard, Harry."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 2
"You're a wizard and good at flying."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 3
"You're a wizard and you have a godfather."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 4
"You're a wizard and you'll be in a tournament."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 5
"You're a wizard and we have a secret society."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 6
"You're a wizard, and you really should kill Voldemort now."
"Really?"
"Yes."

Book 7
"Okay, have you not gotten that you're a wizard yet?"
"Ohhhhhh....ok."

The end. (I love Harry Potter by the way )