Indian Wedding in Scotland- advice!

[weddingscot]

Just got engaged to an Indian man and we want to get married anywhere in Scotland that's more rural and not near Glasgow (traumatic experience there).

We would like to have an indian wedding but are worried about costs. It would be over 2-3 days and his family have high expectations for standards. They are footing the bill but anything from their budget that isn't spent goes to a deposit on a home for us. We are struggling with choosing a tiny guest list of 18 people. Or larger one of 110. There really is no inbetween with his family as soon as you invite outside the core family, the whole family need to be invited, then we have to match that on my side too. His family are begging us for the 110. His family live in India.

We are looking at options for both. Has anyone had an indian wedding in the UK, and what were the costs, venue and how did you keep them down? Any advice would be great.

Ok. Did they pick up the whole tab when the costs of your partners siblings wedding increased x3.. Will they pay for everything? If so happy days.
If not you need to budget.
Also you and your partner need a rough idea of numbers as a starting point.

Do they understand your concerns? Would a heart to heart at this point help? It sounds as if going the other way round, ie putting down a deposit on a place to live, and then planning the wedding on the remainder, would be a good idea.

^ this is a very good suggestion

@MiddleAgedDread how fun!

@PermanentTemporary that's a really good idea, I think as they see it the wedding is the priority and the remainder will be a gift to us. The sibling didn't get such a gift as their budget went into the hundreds of thousands!

I mean, if it can be done that way with his parents blessing, then I’d say go for it. Otherwise I was going to suggest writing off the deposit, which I get is the least sensible, but it’s not your money and not want the gifters want it to be spent on. Can you be happy with accepting your future in laws huge generosity in paying for such a fabulous wedding in the culture that you’re marrying into, and save for your deposit without their help?

@OneNaiceSnail the area we live in is very expensive. In order to have a child we need a bedroom for them, were in a top floor one bed flat with no lift and it is so cramped. We couldn't afford to rent a two/three bed. So our only hope is a sizeable deposit. Yes we can do it ourselves over 5 years but our priority is a deposit so we can have a child sooner. We have been ready emotionally for a baby for a while just didn't have the space or finances.

I honestly couldn’t bring myself to spend a serious amount of cash (whether my own or gifted) on a
big flashy wedding which last a day or two when the same amount of money could be genuinely life changing in terms of your housing and family life!

I hope if they understand that them having a grandchild depends on you having a place to live, surely they could see that they have the chance to make that happen.

At the very least, give them the chance to decide it. They sound so generous. There’s no reason why you couldn’t have a great wedding for 110 or more for waaaaay under that budget.

I think part of me will be sad if I don't have a big Indian wedding and may regret it. But I also agree it's too much money and I would probably regret more not having the home and a child sooner. We have had this conversation with them many times, but they are from india where they have lived in a room with 5 people at one point so they think we're being dramatic and can have all the babies we want in this one bed flat.

How old are you OP?

The angle of suitable housing to start a family is a good one & likely to get through

I think :

ask them to be strict about only offer flights to close family who genuinely could not afford their own
registry office legal wedding - you fiancé, couple of friends/siblings and lunch in a restaurant if you must for max 6 people
airbnb or cheaper venue for home events
simple sangeet (dj & stage is a very recent thing / it’s MEANT to be at home with family and neighbours playing the dhol and singing folk songs. This was the way even 40 years ago and I am personally very sad that I cannot have such an event as so few of older generation of my family still here)
Hindu wedding: you don’t need a fancy barat and even if they insist a fancy car is hundreds not thousands (a horse is under 1k but they don’t seem that kind of family)
milni, pheras etc is 2 hours max, then 1 meal and dancefloor with a DJ

This should be doable easily for 30k without looking cheap (minus flights & accommodation which hopefully would not be more than 20k)

The wedding above is what middle class Indians (stereotypical doctors/lawyers) have in the UK and no one thinks it’s cheap

You don’t have to have a Bollywood production- and if they are offering only that and not a choice then it’s less of a gift and more if a takeover I think

If you have a baby it’s traditional to have a massive 1st birthday party for your first child, & there are other celebratory occasions too

The truth is , 50k to have a spectacular wedding AND a 50k deposit is a lot more than most families (including Asian families) ever give

How old are you both, & how would you be planning to fund a move and start a family if your in laws were not paying?

You have said they are ‘disappointed’ about your parents lack of contribution… how do they really feel? If you take 100k from them will they feel they have a right to eg stay in your home for months on end etc

Culturally it’s the brides family who pay (and nowadays the groom makes a contribution with his own earnings or his parents do, but never the whole thing, 50 pc max.) I’d check what strings this ‘gift’ is coming with

@satsumas26 you have been so helpful and wonderful thank you so much.

I'm sorry about your sangeet disappointment, from the last wedding I went to it was mostly young people doing the dancing anyway, cousins and friends.

I'm about to turn 31 next month so I do feel the biological clock ticking. DP is already 31.

If it weren't for in-laws we would wait until 35 years old to have a baby, we have a financial plan for that. We would also only have one child when really we want two and in-laws want us to have loads of course.

I just got the impression that they wanted a really big wedding so were hoping my parents could match their budget for it.

They are quite modern and have the same wedding budget for all siblings both male and female.

I don't think they would mind horse, but they are so eager to impress. I have seen the venue sent Fingaskecastle and I really like it, but I worry they would only want 5 star recently refurbished. Also they would probably insist on buying everyone's flights, and really the budget is something I expect to be kept from me and more I find out at the end.

I know the siblings wedding the in-laws bought really expensive presents for everyone worth I estimate 15k total and I couldn't help but feel that was money taken away from the couple.

I really don't think the gift comes with strings attached such as moving in with us. But they will want to invite way more people and make it way more fancy, and we will constantly be pushing back on that.

I think the pheras being short is the more modern way to do it. I know there are a few poojas too and the last weeding I went to a lot lasted only 20m.

To me the moment I really would love to keep from a British wedding is walking down the aisle and getting married in front of everyone, so I am not keen on that being a registry.

The other option to please in-laws is to have a tiny wedding here but allow them to splash out on a party in India. But i'm not sure my family would come!

allow them to splash out on a party in India.
This with bells on.
And include yoir parents in the uk wedding.

It would be much easier for the wedding to be in India. Would your close family be willing to pay for their flights and accommodation?

Then you could let your in-laws arrange whatever events they want and you just turn up in your outfits.
If they then gift you any money for your deposit that would be a lovely bonus.
You would have to have a separate legal ceremony in the UK anyway so you could invite your other friends/family to that.
As a Hindu, family celebrations are a big deal and it will look grabby if you restrict spending on the wedding so that you can get the rest of their money. You really don’t want them to have that impression of you.

a party in India would max out the budget, no matter what we try and limit, they will just give out huge gifts to people, invite more people, extend the days etc.

I think your inlaws are set on maxing out the budget wherever the wedding is set. The wedding not your home deposit is their priority.

Small wedding, big reception?

^ this

so either talk to them or do it in Scotland so your parents can be there

you do actually need their help if you want to move & have kids

your plan of a child at 35 assumes no fertility issues - which you can’t know until you ttc

a 50k wedding and house deposit is a better idea

your inlaws may think if they are paying for the wedding your parents will help in other ways - you need to set the record straight or you risk being late 30s (as things always take longer than we think) TTC and it may not easy … a big wedding is great if you can afford it along with other things but I don’t think you can

This! I think you need to forget about a deposit, because it is very unlikely to happen. You are also going to get overruled at every step on the wedding as you are not paying for it. Just plan the wedding you want and keep saving for that deposit.

I’ve been to so many weddings in Scotland where the venue is basically an exclusive event venue rather than a hotel - think castle, country house, converted barn etc - where the couple hire the whole venue for 2 or 3 days. Surely something like that is the answer? Would the whole it’s in a castle in Scotland with turrets and loch nearby and a bagpiper (which most non Scottish people think is terribly romantic) be enough to compensate for it not being the Ritz or the New York Plaza style of service?

I don’t know anything specifically about Indian weddings (sorry) but I refuse to believe you can’t have a very nice wedding in Scotland - even if over a few days and get decent change from £100k.

If I were you I would also be very reluctant to spend on a huge wedding and then not be able to afford to buy a home. I would go and find somewhere that you like, price it up / work out all the logistics and present them with a complete proposed package (without initially telling them the cost) - if they like it then great and if it happens to come in at £40k, even better. Or if you think they will really try and derail any plan get a wedding planner to plan the package. Then part of the wedding planner’s job is to be the bad guy “we did ask the wedding planner about that but they said they would strongly advise against it…”

thank you everyone, I think I will need to sit them down and spell out to them the benefits of the deposit. The issue is their want to impress family means so many things go over budget quickly.

Even if we had a big reception in India, it would turn into an extravagant affair. I think if we try and agree a deposit amount first, and then work with the numbers. The budget is also not £100k but over £100k, but we don't know specifically.

Good luck op. Id have a small uk wedding with a budget of 2k. Save for a home and get your partner to request cash for a deposit.