How to ask for gifts of money (if any)

[TigerJoy]

We're getting married in our 40s. We have lived together for 8 years, we're having a baby. We have a tiny house with too much stuff.

We wanted to say no gifts, but several friends have said they'll get us something if we dont have a list.

I don't want to request random things from John Lewis. We are currently getting rid of stuff to make room for baby things.

If anything we'd like to ask for contributions to a honeymoon, which we'll do next year. Is there a website we can use that people can donate money to?

We will also suggest donations to MSF.

Honestly I'd rather not do anything at all - does anyone have any advice?

There was this utterly cringeworthy one that someone posted about years ago and it sounded so crass - something like 'we've got plenty of pots and pans, what we'd prefer is simply money' 🙈🙉

Truthful, though!

I really don't like the asking for money especially in a poem. I also don't like gift lists unless someone asks for it.

I think the correct etiquette is to not say anything and if anyone asks you could say you have everything but if they want to donate to a honeymoon / thing then this would be most welcome.

I know some cultures say "no gifts" on the invitations but this is taken to mean give money instead apparently.

That's good. Don't even mention the honeymoon. Just pop a donation link on the invite

At least it’s something they want/need. Many couples have a home and contents already, so why not say what the’d like instead of getting a pile of unnecessary stuff?

Ask them to donate to a charity that means something to you both

We had a charity page set up. Nobody gave us anything and everyone donated to charity.

@Bignanna I think that's fine if someone asks what you'd like!

I would feel rude asking for a gift before someone has asked me even though most people give gifts at weddings.

The invitations we received stated that the couple did not want gifts, but would appreciate any contributions to the honeymoon. I think that’s fine.

Our friends said no gifts, and that any given, including money, would be returned. If you’re serious, that’s the way to do it.

When we got married 7 years ago, there was a website that you could register a gift list to, which also included "vouchers" for things on honeymoon, like wine tasting or sunset dinner, etc.
in actual fact, they just send the cash over to your account but also send you a list to say "Uncle Dave purchased £50 voucher for sunset cocktails" so you can send a specific thank you.

It's prezola.com

Hahaha use the typical South Asian sentiment "no boxed gifts please' AKA gifts wanted, must not be in a box AKA cash.

W e have said no gifts. We are having a food bank collection

This.

Maybe you could say on the invitation.

Many of you have kindly asked what we would like as a gift. There is no need to bring a gift but if you would like to, contributions to our honeymoon would be very much appreciated.

Just no!

Many of them won’t have kindly asked BEFORE the invitation.

I've been to two weddings where people said similar. Didn't bother me at all

@Bignanna I don't but you already know that 😬

Haha I've seen that one totally bemuse non-Asian guests before though, people are left thinking so they do want gifts, but not gifts in boxes sooo I should... Get them something that comes in a bag? Take the toaster I've bought them out of the box before giving it???

OP honestly don't angst. Everyone wants/expects to give the couple a little something and every couple wants cash these days (whether in the form of vouchers, honeymoon contribution, charity donation or the cold hard stuff). It's totally normal, only on MN is it a huge offensive faux pas to ask (but then again MN thinks it's rude and wrong to have a wedding full stop, and even ruder to invite guests 😂). I go to loads of weddings, like 10 a year (DH has huge family) and honestly I think there's been no more than 2 in the last decade that have had a traditional gift list and maybe one where they didn't specify (and therefore mainly got cash with a few token gifts like bottles of champagne and photo frames). All the rest they've upfront asked for money and that's been totally fine and normal (a lot easier than having to think of then purchase an actual present IMO).

The classy thing to do is not mention anything about gifts on the formal invitation (which is normally just date, time and venue anyway), but have some less formal way of sharing information about the event with your guests i.e. a website, social media post, email or whatever. Somewhere amongst the local taxi numbers and the agenda/timings and requests to the DJ and whatever else you can discreetly say that you do not expect gifts but a small contribution to your honeymoon would be very much appreciated. No poem or grovelling or apologies needed. You can use one of those honeymoon gift list services where the guests can 'buy' you a night in a hotel or cocktails on the beach or whatever but personally I think they're a bit of a swizz, either the site takes a big % premium or it's a glorified paypal you're not actually buying them the thing at all, you transferring the equivalent ££ as the site just gives the couple a lump sum of all the collections at the end...

Don’t ask for money. If people want to give you money/vouchers they will. If anything, it makes me less inclined to give people cash, if they ask for it. It seems quite grabby.

Don’t do the cheesy poem some people do. That’s even worse.

It is grabby. When I got married, I didn't think about gifts. We didn't ask for anything and people decided, by themselves to give us vouchers.

A lot of Asian wedding invitations state something similar to 'we kindly request no boxed gifts'. Most people understand this to mean cash gifts or jewellery as giving gold is a custom in subcontinental weddings.