Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

[System0matix]

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

[ifanciedanamechange]

I think once they've realised the location and cost involved they've made their decision. They could probably have a family holiday for what it will cost for a weekend wedding in Scotland.

[Quaza]

Excellent updating OP⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I wouldn't worry too much about this. They are coming now and if I were you I'd not bother feeling slighted by them rushing the wedding. It just doesn't matter. I'd make sure to treat them as well as any other guest and make sure they know you are 'delighted' they could come. (Even if it's not true!).

It's a shame really as it sounds like they've been pressurized to come by family members so now you will have guests at your wedding who don't sound like they want to be there which is a bit sad.

My SIL didn't come to my wedding even though we invited her. I was delighted 😁

[System0matix]

Hi Doobigetta - sorry to hear this, it’s another example of what’s deemed important to some isn’t so much to others. Doesn’t make them any less of a nice/good person, it’s just difficult for us to fathom. Before they decided to book I was out for dinner with my mum and auntie, they were talking about DNiece (to be) being a flowergirl and I had to say that wouldn’t be happening any more as DP’s DB and DSIL said they wouldn’t be going. They couldn’t understand it, kept saying “They are missing an immediate family member’s wedding, for no obvious reason?” on repeat in the restaurant (cue me topping up my …on repeat).

Hi EconoWife – we appreciate that some B+Gs are able to offer financial assistance to guests but for us that has never even come up in conversation. How/why would we offer to help out some siblings and not others. I would also feel incredibly embarrassed about sending a ‘can we help you financially?’ message to anyone that wasn’t a full time student/parent/carer/pensioner if I’m being honest. When DP’s DB and SIL got married we were living in another country and travelled to B’Ham for their wedding, we would never have dreamed of a) not going or b) asking for £ towards it. For reference – both teaching on our gap year then barely breaking even at the time!

Hi Allthecoolkids – 2 nights in nearest Travelodge to venue for same dates this year (granted ours isn’t until 2019) = £187 for a family room including unlimited breakfast (£33.00) and 48 hour WiFi access (£6.00).

Probably best if we park this thread here as what is a lot of money, hassle etc to some is nothing to others.

[afrikat]

I'm really glad they are coming now OP but I personally find their behaviour very odd and I would have been extremely hurt too.

Weddings I've been to in the last 10 years include North Carolina, Inverness, France, The Lake District, London, The Cotswolds, Lancashire and Oxfordshire. Some were friends, others family and I went to every one happy to see people I loved celebrate and to enjoy time with people I don't get to see often enough. For many of these weddings I had to scrimp and save to get there but it was always worth it
Enjoy your day!