Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

[System0matix]

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

[C0untDucku1a]

I declined two of dh’s family weddings once because i had absolutely no intention of being married to him by the time the wedding date approached.

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't think you should ask why. To me it would feel intrusive and borderline rude. It's their own business why and could be deeply personal and/or embarrassing. Remember the MN creed "No is a complete answer". Unless you're willing to offer help to overcome whatever obstacle, in which case say "We're so sorry you won't be able to make it. If there's anything we can do so you would be able to, please just ask".

[CamperVamp]

Well obviously Scotland is ‘reachable’ , but the OP hasn’t said where in Scotland. It could be somewhere on tne North coast, on minor roads. I would go to my brother’s wedding wherever it was, but I would be rolling my eyes at travelling there from Kent.

[Plsadvise]

My first thought with the changing of mind/no reason given would be that she's just pregnant and they don't want to tell anyone yet - could that be a possibility?
Doing all the above with a 1 year old with the costs involved after a years maternity would be a lot harder . . .

[Fitzsimmons]

I'd be surprised if she was pregnant as that would be a ten year age gap between her kids. I think it's more likely they have finance issues they don't want to share.

[Polichinelle]

They could be thinking of separating and simply know that they won't be together by the time the wedding comes. Just a possibility. If I were your partner, I would simply ask the brother directly

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Camper brother lives in the Midlands, it's the OP who lives in Kent.

[Dafspunk]

I agree with leil. You talked about them being big savers - do they just not like spending money?

[SandLand]

Well, I'm not going to BiLs wedding next week.
Kids are going to school. I'm not taking them on 12 hrs of flights to be the only kids at a wedding, and miss a week of school.
DH is going on his own.


I'm sure our choice has raised some eyebrows, but I'd be furious if people started questioning our decision (which was hard to make). We've done what is best for us overall.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, dear god, a destination wedding, 2 blooming years away and you're already creating drama. For everyone who's banging on about megabuses and camping, it can cost an absolute fuckload to stay up here (I'm in Scotland) in Summer hols. All the people you know who are saying, 'Oh, yes! Sounds delightful!' plenty of them are just being polite and when they find out it's going to cost them the better part of 500 quid and 3+ days of their annual leave in the school holidays and the invitation is accompanied by some wanky 'your presence is our present but give us money' poem and they are only invited to the evening do they'll be singing a different tune. The 'sorry, can't make it's will come rolling in. Some will have probably already declined in their minds but they're too polite to say so and why would they when it's two years away, anyhow.

'To those that have said we should just talk to them - we really should. Just not sure how it’ll go, especially if there’s no real reason. In the last half hour had PIL on the phone saying they’re going to call them and ask “what the heck their problem is” - we’ve pleaded with them not to. '

It's none of your business why they don't want to travel hundreds of miles and use up their leave in Summer hols to go to your wedding. They've been honest with you. They don't need to give you a reason.

This is what happens when you have destination weddings. Some people won't come.

[ImListening]

Scotland is hardly a destination wedding!

[bastardkitty]

What a really weird post Expat. You think Scotland is a destination wedding? I went to a friend's wedding in Scotland. No biggy. 100+ people there from England and around the world. Not a big deal at all.

[expatinscotland]

' I would have thought that in most families the elders are the ones who represent traditions and keep everyone aware of when family duty needs to trump personal preference. '

NO ONE has a 'duty' to travel hundreds of miles to a place not of their choosing for someone else's party. Bullshit 'family duty' trumps 'personal preference' - they have their own family now. If my parents started meddling in my affairs like that and trying to guilt or bully me and my family into doing something we didn't want to do and/or couldn't afford I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to butt out and mind their own business.

[ImListening]

So if it been in Kent where the op lives would that have been ok?

Half the guests live in Scotland so I think that’s fine.

Cousin got married in her hometown, we all went. 6 hour drive. No one moaned or say they couldn’t go. We were happy for them & wanted to share their day. Clearly we are odd!

[expatinscotland]

'What a really weird post Expat. You think Scotland is a destination wedding? I went to a friend's wedding in Scotland. No biggy. 100+ people there from England and around the world. Not a big deal at all.'

Yes, I do! I live in rural Scotland and believe me, in terms of actual miles, it's not that far from Glasgow. But it takes ages to get out here. And to get to other places? The better part of a day and quite a bit of money. Some of these venues are the only place for miles and cost an absolute bomb in Summer for lodging. Even travelling to a 'popular' destination like Mull in Summer can cost as much as it does to get to Spain and you even have to book a slot on the ferry if you're taking a car.

What is no big deal to you is a big deal to others, who died and left you king to decide what's a big deal to the entire planet?

If I were to travel to the Midlands it would take a day.

That's a lot of time to some people. And money. And leave. That they don't want to spend on a wedding.

[expatinscotland]

It's fine to have your wedding wherever you want to have it. What's not fine is expecting everyone you want or invite to attend.

[ImListening]

But it’s not everyone. It’s the grooms brother & niece!

[expatinscotland]

'But it’s not everyone. It’s the grooms brother & niece!'

And? Weddings aren't a big deal to a lot of people. They don't want to go! So what? Get on with it and enjoy the day.

[Anatidae]

Leave the door open - a reply along the lines of ‘that’s a shame, let us know if you change your minds or if there’s anything we can help with.’

Then let it go.

you dont know why people turn down weddings etc. I’ve turned down two this year due to recurrent miscarriages-I just couldn’t face the idea of traveling and it happening away from home, plus it’d have been about 2k cost per wedding and we have no childcare cover.

[expatinscotland]

Why on Earth would anyone want resentful guests who don't want to be there at their wedding? Knowing they were bullied into it and are hating being there?

[Dodie66]

It might not just be the cost. We've had invites to weddings that we've been unable to go to. Initially we had said we would go but then found out that they were a long way to travel. Did they know initially that it would be in Scotland? due to health problems it was too far for us. Have they got health problems or mental health issues? Agoraphobia or similar?There might be something that you don't know about. We didn't used to share why we couldn't attend but that used to cause problems because people thought we were just being rude. There is probably more to this that you realise

[chocdog]

Let it go.
You don't need to know why they don't want to come, but I'm sure it's nothing personal and that they will wish you well.
Be grateful that they are being upfront about it now rather than letting you down at the last minute.

[SheffieldStealer]

yes, where in Scotland is it? There's a big difference between getting to Hawick and getting to Uist.

[NataliaOsipova]

From the mix of responses on here it’s fair to say each individual has a different view about the lengths they’d be happy to go to to attend a family wedding.

Agree. But there's a bit difference between "but mum, I haven't spoken to Cousin Marge for 25 years and I don't think I'd recognise her if I fell over her in the street and I don't want to take a week off work to go to her wedding" sort of situation and this. Which is the groom's brother, to whom he is close - and more than enough notice given.

There's something going on here....