Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

[System0matix]

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

[PuppyMonkey]

All I can say is if this was one of my siblings and their family, I'd be on the phone asking them about it. Maybe my family are really odd.

We do all live in the East Midlands.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Hope you get an explanation OP. It is his brothers wedding. Plenty of time to save and look for cheap accommodation. Unless there's something major i think at very least BIL should come.
PILl's talking to BIL calmly? Might be easier for him to be honest to him?

[NataliaOsipova]

PILl's talking to BIL calmly? Might be easier for him to be honest to him?

I'm usually a great one for the "be direct and fight your own battles approach", but in this situation I think using the PILs as middlemen might yield better results.....

[Butterymuffin]

Sounds like a cost thing. Is it a weekday or weekend wedding?

Re the 'they could make it into a holiday in Scotland' - many people don't want their holiday plans to have to revolve around where someone else is getting married. You love it, but maybe they don't or have never wanted to go?

I'd get your brother to chat about it to his brother (in person or on the phone) just to say it's a shame niece won't be able to be a bridesmaid, and is there any way to help with that? Is there any family member who lives near your venue they could stay with?

[MandaraSugar]

So something has clearly changed in the six weeks since you booked it for them to go hot then cold. If pregnancy, divorce, illness, financial pressure (all the other parts of life that can throw us upside-down) has come up then why tell you so bluntly now with no explanation? They way they’ve got about it, for people that they see every 2 months, is downright rude.

As a PP said, if it’s pregnancy for example the baby would be here by 2019. Once they’d announced the pregnancy to the family they could say “...so we’re not 100% if we’re going to be able to come with a one year old” which is a perfectly reasonable excuse. Or if it’s divorce then, again, wait until you’re telling the family that you’re separating – and it’s a no-brainer that it’s unlikely STBXW would still come; at this stage with over 1 year to go it’s not as if OP and her H2B will have finalised numbers and paid for every guest! So it’d be fine to keep schtum for now and give their excuse later.

For the people on here saying “don’t ask them” – are you actually serious? Your brother, you see him and his family every couple of months, says yes then says “no” bluntly and rudely and nothing is mentioned. You’re all mad. What’s especially sad is OP’s H2B has 4 brothers, they’re all to be his groomsmen...bar one who’s suddenly said he’s not coming. Maybe him, DW and DN are off to join a cult.

[MaybeDoctor]

I had a wedding in an awkward part of the UK, where I did not live, but the reason was that one of my very close family was terminally ill and could not travel.

I think that people might be more amenable if you lived there - even though the journey is the same at least a local bride & groom can offer lifts, hospitality or make things easier for guests.

A Midlands wedding is not the same as a wedding in a remote part of the country - that part of the country has umpteen motorways, trainlines and several airports!

[Ragwort]

I think this thread shows how differently people feel about weddings, I am not that bothered by weddings, I wouldn't travel to Scotland from the Midands for a wedding - it is expensive in terms of time and money and I don't particularly want to travel on a Megabus and end up in the middle of nowhere & then still have to trek to the wedding, possibly with camping equipment according to one suggestion that the Op's DB & DSIL cound save money by camping (where I live we would have to travel half an hour just to get on a Megabus ).

Fine, have your wedding in Scotland - but just don't expect all your guests to be as excited about it as you are.

[MandaraSugar]

“Fine, have your wedding in Scotland”? Ragwort, did you miss the part where OP said over 50% of invitees LIVE there? You’re making out like they’ve plucked a location out of obscurity. MIC DROP.

The point lots of (moany) responders seem to have missed is that surely any family event/wedding/funeral/whatever that isn’t – for arguments sake – less than an hour by car/public transport is classed as a ‘chore’ in the sense that you have to do some planning, possibly pre-book a taxi home or accommodation. Such is life, not everything can be organised to be convenient for specific individuals. Especially weddings – usually people are invited from far and wide; plus the location is ultimately the choice of the happy couple. If my DD and DH were asked to be part of a wedding we’d do all we could over the next 18 mths to be there, it’s a kick in the face to OP and her soon to be husband for them to decline with no good reason.

Possibly the Midlands-dwellers are the only ones who live in the Midlands, and OP has no connections to there so would never choose to marry on and near their patch. As a result, anywhere that is outside that area will cause them ‘inconvenience’ and cost – but jeez nothing life changing! ‘You’re invited to Cape Verde for our wedding’ would be different! Life is for living – people that can’t entertain planning a trip from the Midlands to Scotland 18 mths from now for a sibling’s wedding are beyond me. By then their daughter will be 12yo aswell, not a baby. Best of luck to you OP I hope you have a cracking wedding whatever happens!! People need to get off their arses more.

[CamperVamp]

Sorry, I missed that half the guests live in Scotland. From your OP I thought it was chosen for ancestral links only.

It is odd to decline an invite to a sibling’s wedding.

[peachytacos]

I can completely understand why you’re upset and want them there but do bear in mind that not everyone is that bothered by weddings, even for a sibling.

My friend actually really hates weddings, she’s happily married herself but can’t bear the length of the day, the costs for outfits, child care, travel and the big present/cash sum that’s usually required these days. It’s the cost of a small holiday to most people and even if they manage to put money away each month, no one can dictate how they spend it!

[schoolgaterebel]

I'm sure booking a venue so far away you expected quite a few people to decline?

You mention they are quite frugal and like to make cost savings where they can, this is probably one of those occasions.

Weddings are really expensive to attend, once you've added on travel and accommodation, they could probably enjoy a family holiday for that cost.

Don't take it personally, I'd just reply 'we are so disappointed you can't make it, we were really looking forward to sharing our day with you and especially having DBIL and DN in the bridal party'

Did they really text to let you know, and not pick up the phone and explain properly? That is what would bother me, and quite frankly set alarm bells ringing as to the real reason they can't make it.

[lazydog]

If you really got their change of plans via such a short and blunt - basically rude - text, then I'd be amazed if they're not in a huge huff about something. Quite likely not directly to do with the wedding at all. Can you think of anything you or dh could have done or said recently that could have pissed them off?

[JessieMcJessie]

Def a good idea for the parents to get to the bottom of this. It’s irrelevant that OP and her DFiance don’t want them to ask- it is the parents’ business if one son is not going to the other son’s wedding.

And I also agree that most of the reasons cited as possibles for saying no are they type of thing that you would wait until closer to the time before declining for - not decline 19 months in advance.

[Ragwort]

Mandara - I have read the thred, (I have been on Mumsnet so long that I know it's a crime not to read the whole thread ) and appreciate that half of the family live in Scotland but I would still consider it a long way to go for a wedding - I live in the Midlands like the OP's brother.

But as I tried to point out, everyone views weddings differently, I don't particularly enjoy attending weddings, I had an incredibly small wedding myself (& in fact we didn't invite our own siblings) so perhaps I am not the best person to comment on the whys and wherefores of people attending weddings. But I do think people make a huge fuss over weddings, which is basically just one very expensive day - and if you don't want to accept the invitation, why should you feel guilt tripped by it?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Unless there’s some kind of big drip feed from them with some cast iron reasoning then they are being totally U. Did your PIL speak to them yet? I can’t quite understand your relationship if you didn’t just ring them up straight away.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

It's a real shame that it gets personal - highly personal for obvious reasons. I truly believe that some people decide not to put themselves out too much (travel) or spend too much, simply because they don't see the significance of someone else's wedding, even if they're closely related.

If you've lived together for a long time, some people, based on their personal feelings, won't see a wedding as that big of a deal, even when it is to the rest of the close family or friends.

I think they've decided simply on those grounds and not thought through how disappointed you and the rest of the family will be that they don't make the effort.

[mumisnotmyname]

It might be better to let his family find out what is happening. I know families are very different but in any family that is talking to each other I cannot really get my head around none of them attending. It may be easier for other family members to remain calm and neutral while discovering what is going on.

Scotland has airports, trains and roads so unless you are going to the outer islands it really isn't that bad from the Midlands.

[NataliaOsipova]

if you don't want to accept the invitation, why should you feel guilt tripped by it?

Normally I'd totally agree with this.....but I do think it's different when it's a sibling. DH doesn't get on with his brother; as I type this I'm trying to work out when he last saw him and I'm certainly at the "over 5 years ago" mark. But when he got married, we were invited....and DH (an inveterate wedding hater in general) said with a groan as he opened the envelope "Oh God, there's really no way out of this one, is there?".

So I agree with others who say something has gone on of which you're not aware - and quite possibly something major.

[System0matix]

Hi again everyone, wanted to check in with an update - and to say many thanks again for all your replies (wow can't believe 3 months has gone by).

In a nutshell they are now coming - but this was the series of events inbetween:

They cancelled on us when we were scheduled to see them in late November. It so obviously reeked of not wanting to see us face to face after sending the text - said their DD had a party to attend, not sure how that could go on all of Sat and Sun but...we'll leave that there.

We saw them over Xmas (not just them and us, lots of the family out for a meal) lots of talk about the wedding from others - they kept their heads down and then made a lame excuse to leave very early.

Beginning of this month DP gets a call from DB to say they're all booked to come now. They're driving up early on the morning of and leaving that same night - we're grateful they're coming but at the same time perplexed they want to spend as little time there as possible.

DP has been very gracious about it, I'm growing tired of their odd actions.

IMO they probably got it in the ear from other family members about why they weren't going to go and caved.

We're looking forward now and concentrating on our day. I won't forget that their reaction to this was to blank us/avoid the situation as much as possible - found it all so childish.

[Frazzled2207]

Am pleased they're coming but is all very odd. Maybe they genuinely don't like going away? You mention that you visit them often- take it they never visit you?

[Doobigetta]

If it makes you feel any better, OP, my future BiL is umming and ahhing about whether he can be arsed travelling for half an hour to get to our wedding. I think the latest is he's coming to the ceremony and he might stay for dinner, if he's not working

[EconoWife]

Glad it's sort of sorted for you OP (I was one of the pp now namechanged)
But driving up and back on the same day seem a bit wild! If they book in advance surely a travel lodge will be inexpensive.
While I think you're right not to forget their behaviour, I wonder if you could be very gracious about accommodation and "help" them?

We were recently invited to a wedding in Staffordshire which is a "destination" wedding to us (Glasgow) - the couple got in touch with us before the invitation arrived asking if we were OK for accommodation and offering to help us out with recommending local hotels/B&Bs . They also said that they appreciated how far we were travelling and that if the costs were getting too much they'd be able to help and reserve us one of the venue's hotel rooms from their wedding package. It was very nicely phrased and didn't offend us at all! Maybe they expected something similar?

[IggyAce]

I'm glad they are coming, you're right about other family probably having a word. It is odd to drive there and back in the same day and not something I'd want to do.

[VanGoghsLeftEar]

Personally, I wouldn't go, because It's too bloody far! Hotel, flight/train/petrol costs etc...I would decline too. I got married in London and a few people who live far away gave me this reason...I understood and we are still talking to each other!

[Allthecoolkids]

It’s money.

How much would a night in the nearest travellodge be, if booked today?