Family turning down our invite - sorry, long winded one

[System0matix]

Finding it hard not to dwell on the fact that in-laws to be have (19 months before the date) said they can’t/don’t want to attend our wedding.

Partner and I booked our wedding 6 weeks ago for summer 2019, we live in Kent and it’ll be in Scotland where DH’s parents are originally from; and a place I have totally fallen for. Lots of positive ‘can’t wait’ replies from our nearest and dearest invitees who we’ve told either over text or in conversation when we’ve seen them since booking it. One of partner’s siblings however has (over the weekend) said him and his DW (and their 10 year old) won’t be coming, after he was initially delighted about it. I appreciate invites are just that – invites and not mandatory – but it feels like something’s changed here. No reason why, just a “we’re not going to come to the wedding” text.

They live in the midlands but we visit them every 6-8 weeks. Their daughter is partner’s only niece and we love seeing her too. To get to Scotland for them will involve either a plane or long car/train journey and then a drive/taxi at the other end, so again I appreciate it’s not as ‘convenient’ as it would have been if it was somewhere they could come on the day and go home from the same night.

It’s in the school holidays and they’re both teachers; so no issues with regards to anyone missing work or school. But, I guess we just have to be conscious of the fact that it’s a cost; and freewill – they can’t be forced to come. We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve known them all this time (I did feel like we were already family!) so it’s just a bit upsetting that they don’t view our wedding as an important enough event to come to. Both partner and I have been down all day thinking about it and confused. Maybe we’ll get more info from them when we next see them in person, the whole thing just feels odd.

I’m sure any responses will say we don’t know what their financial situation is – which is true we don’t really, however they’re big savers and have no qualms about telling anyone who’ll listen about ways they save £. Maybe they just see having to book and pay for transport and a hotel for 2 nights as a cost they don’t have to part with and that a wedding card and/or present to us will do?

I very much live by the ‘each to their own’ motto but today i’m finding it really hard to lift myself about this. Do we reply saying “really sorry you won’t be able to make it, can we ask if it’s any specific about the wedding that’s a reason you can’t all come?” or is that snooping?

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

@HundredMilesAnHour A lot of my DH's family left Northern Ireland for Canada as a result of the Troubles and then the younger generation have come back to get married in the same church their parents did. I can see the appeal.

I don't know where in Scotland you're getting married but it's hardly the trek some posters are making out. We're in the north east (of Scotland) and are planning to drive down to Lincolnshire with a toddler at the beginning of December for 3 nights for a family event. In some ways, it makes it more exciting because you have the travel- stopping off places en route, a hotel, maybe meals with family when you arrive if everyone has traveled.

[LavenderDoll]

I think it must be financial
Can't think of any other reason to miss a sibling wedding

[NotEntirelyWhelmed]

I can think of lots of reasons to miss a wedding. I hate them. I wish I had missed my sister’s. And my SIL’s. And I wish I didn’t have to go to Fiji next year for BIL’s.

OP, not everybody thinks other people deciding how they’re going to spend their money = a good time will be had by all.

I think the question is: why do you think it’s reasonable to expect that you deciding to get married means that X number of people have to spend thousands on being there and all the bullshit accoutrements that go with wedding attendance?

[CamperVamp]

I admit I would be utterly irritated by the long journey, hotel etc when it is for your choice of ‘destination ‘ rather than because anyone’s family live there.

It’s lovely that you go and visit them so often, and they are being a bit rude in not actually talking it through, and brother to brother. But it is different once you have a child.

I wouldn’t want to have my previous hols dictated by someone’s wedding venue choice, and I wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday and travel and hotel in Scotland in the same summer.

If you have fallen in love with this place, why not go on your honeymoon there?

I bet at least some of your friends are being ‘polite’.

[Frazzled2207]

I think you have to try to accept it. Finances could well be a factor.
I know it’s a shame but your wedding isn’t nearly as important to other people as it is to you (sorry to be harsh).
I know how it feels though, some close relatives of mine didn’t come to my wedding and although there was a reason it was pretty lame IMO. I was upset at the time, but got over it before the actual wedding.

I’m surprised that the DN didn’t want to be a bridesmaid though. Seems very mean to stop her coming if she did.

[pomadas87]

Don't consider moving the wedding location. You say it's in Scotland which is where well over half the guests are based, so it's not worth moving it just to accommodate your DBIL and encourage them to come.

I think it's odd to not give an explanation - It's a sibling's wedding, not a random guest - but if they're not coming then just leave them to it. But it does suck!

[myrtleWilson]

Am a bit surprised by the amount of people who seem to be put off by the distance - its not like the OP is expecting everyone to fly out to Mexico with 4 weeks notice. Perhaps it depends on your family make up/dispersal - mine (and my DH's) family is pretty much spread out around the country (and we've moved around too) so we just accept that some travel is involved and factor it in.
OP - perhaps if the PIL could temper the conversation with a little less "what the heck" then they may be a useful conduit to understanding whats happening?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I'm at the guests who seem to be conflating a weekend in Scotland to three weeks in the Bahamas! Over half of the guests live here, so it's hardly as if they've plonked a pin on a map and said 'here', is it?

My brother got married in the Midlands last year and - SHOCKER - I got my arse on a train and I booked a travel lodge. And I booked them both 4 months or so in advance so it didn't cost much at all. Think the hotel was under £100 in total for three nights and the train was also around that. Did pay a bit more cos DH kept mucking about with the day he was coming, but that's another thread...

Anyway, op - I'd possibly get your DP to talk to BIL to find out what's going on?

[OlafLovesAnna]

We’re going to a v close family wedding in NI (bride is from there we are in England) and it’s costing our family of 5 £300 in flights and £100+ p/n for 2 nights. Plus present, plus drinks, food, trains, taxi etc etc.

It’s a fuck of a lot but we like them a lot! It does mean no real summer holiday though and I wouldn’t class us as poor.

It might well be the cash but you don’t know until you ask. Is there any chance SIL could be pregnant?!

[viques]

I think you have to ask them why they have declined. Otherwise it will be the elephant in the room for the rest of your lives. The only way you will ever be able to get the relationship back on a reasonable footing is if you are totally honest with them, and them with you.

[NorthernLurker]

Even if she is pregnant she'll have delivered by summer 2019!

[StealthPolarBear]

Yes it's Scotland not nova scotia!

[OlennasWimple]

Why can't DP say to his brother "It's a shame you can't make it to the wedding. Is there anything that we can do so that you are able to come?"?

[Somerville]

I though it you should leave it and not enquire why, until I saw that they previously said yes to being in the wedding party.
Pulling out of that without any explanations is odd and potentially rather rude.
Can your fiancé not phone his brother and go "what's going on mate??"
You should stay out of the conversations as far as possible.

[Rubies12345]

Three of them flying, staying in a hotel, plus outfits, wedding gift, transport the other way...that would be upwards of £600

BM and groomsmen outfits bought for them, wife can wear something she already owns. They can get the megabus rather than fly.

Really don't think it's financial personally, your fiance should just ask his brother. Maybe there's some sort of misunderstanding?

[mintich]

If you were planning on having the brother and niece in the wedding, perhaps his wife is annoyed that shed be sat on her own during the wedding? (This has happened in my family!)

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

It's £17 one way from Stoke on Trent to Edinburgh in the middle of Jan. So they could easily all get here for around £100. Cheaper if they sign up for Virgin's flash sales.

Obviously other places in both the Midlands and Edinburgh are available!

[OlafLovesAnna]

Oh yes! I forgot the dates!

[MistressDeeCee]

Amazed at so many posters talking as if Scotland is unreachable

[Somersetter]

I'm surprised some posters are saying "don't ask why they can't come" as if it would be rude to!

If your own brother says he can't come to your wedding then of course you ask why - it would be completely strange not to surely?

Your DP needs to just pick up the phone and speak to his brother.

[SWtobe]

-Maybe they are having relationship problems and can’t think that far ahead together if they are maybe debating to split or not.

-Costs too much for them to go.

-Have other commitments or were in the process of planning a once in a lifetime family holiday for themselves.

-Having another baby and so don’t want to plan that far ahead

-Don’t want to be near certain family members so they are turning you down.

-They don’t really like yous.

-Jealousy (are they married, or planning a bit announcement).

-secretly doing ivf so they can’t say about it and also need there money for that

[Skittlesandbeer]

I’m not surprised their parents are weighing in. I would have thought that in most families the elders are the ones who represent traditions and keep everyone aware of when family duty needs to trump personal preference. I don’t think it’ll be up to you whether they have A Word.

At least you should get some more info out of it, which will help your next visit with them.

[Somersetter]

Agree skittlesandbeer - the parents are right to get involved!

[System0matix]

From the mix of responses on here it’s fair to say each individual has a different view about the lengths they’d be happy to go to to attend a family wedding.

I’ll update the thread if/when there’s anything new to report.

[BackforGood]

I think you (as a couple - whether that is your dp or whether it is you) are quite within your rights to ask them why they aren't coming. As Lonny and others have said it needn't cost a fortune. I think you are owed an explanation if your dp's own brother changes his mind and says he isn't coming to your wedding. Even if you aren't a person who particularly enjoys weddings as a 'thing', you still go to your brothers - unless you are non-contact for some reason, which isn't the case here.