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Original poster

AIBU to invite all guests to wedding ceremony and evening reception...

71 replies

OveranxiousUnderated · 28/07/2011 11:12

But...pinch 50 of them for a Wedding Breakfast in-between. :o

Basically, I have a huge dilemma and I need help/advice!

We are on a very limited budget, and the breakfast/ceremony are all included in a fixed price which consists of 50 guests for the breakfast, and 100 for the evening. The church holds 100+ which is approximately how many guests we have on the list, so technically it is feasible for everybody to attend the ceremony AND evening reception, however at £50 per head for the meal...this is not an option!!

Now, I am aware that I probably am BU, as it's rude to expect people to come to the ceremony and not the breakfast, no?! So should I just have the people coming to the meal to the wedding? Then have an entirely seperate evening list?

(Please don't tell suggest elimating the breakfast etc, as deposit is paid...so no changing the set up now! However I realise that it would have been far less hassle to have a later wedding (3pm as opossed to 1pm) followed by an evening reception. Meh. )

So does anyone have any advice for me/experience regarding this situation? As time is running out & I have no idea how to 'word' the invitations either.

Oh and just for reference the 50 people would consist of close family & friends.

This is my first post so please be kind! TIA.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 28/07/2011 14:01

You know you don't have to have the speeches and cake cutting during the wedding breakfast.

Why not delay them to the start of the evening, about half an hour after the start, that way all of your friends will get to join in the special moment.

Weddings are not inflexible - it's your day, not anyone else's, so do what you need to do to make it work for you.

cornflakegirl · 28/07/2011 14:06

I think the ceremony is the best part of a wedding, so I'd be very happy to receive an invite to the ceremony and the evening do.

acatcalledfelix · 28/07/2011 14:15

I don't understand how people can get offended over this. The fact is, weddings are bloody expensive and it's impossible to invite every single person you would like to unless money is no object.

Do what people have suggested - evening invite with a little note saying they are welcome to come to the church if they like, then let them decide. Those who get huffy aren't worth worrying about.

My DH's family is Irish and over there they spend a small fortune inviting everyone (pos not an Irish thing, maybe just a "his family" thing!) and we struggled when we were planning ours as they couldn't understand why we didn't do this.

Do what you need to do, and have a wonderful day

notcitrus · 28/07/2011 14:16

If the invite is clear and the event isn't in the middle of bleedin' nowhere I think it's fine - friend recently did that in central London so the non-breakfasters could arrange to eat elsewhere.

If it's in some remote village where the non-breakfasters will be left bored to starve, then no.

VeronicaCake · 28/07/2011 14:20

I've been to several weddings like this. Never seen it as a problem. It isn't ideal, but then your budget isn't unlimited and your friends will know this. I think if you want to avoid whinging I'd make sure you maximise the number of aged relations who come to the wedding breakfast and explain to friends who know each other that they are only being invited to the evening bit and why. That way your mates who won't be at the meal can go off and have a nice pub lunch somewhere before coming back to the do. Also make it clear that they are welcome to attend the ceremony if they want but they are not expected to - i.e. it is up to them.

CherryDrops · 28/07/2011 14:47

I think it's absolutely fine to do as suggested and add a note to the evening guests' invitations inviting them to come to the ceremony as well if they wish. The ceremony is always my favourite part of a wedding and I'd be really happy to be invited to this as an evening guest, even if circumstances meant I wasn't able to attend the ceremony. It's nice to be thought of as important enough to want watching you get married.

muminthemiddle · 28/07/2011 15:12

Agree with other posters. You have to make it clear if you are inviting people to the "wedding" which to me means a meal plus the wedding ceremony-why do they call it a breakfast when it is clearly not?
Otherwise invite people to the evening do.

HorridCold · 28/07/2011 15:20

Easy - we sent out invites for the Wedding Ceremony & Breakfast and separate Evening invitations. In the evening ones we said that they would be most welcome at the Church (wedding venue) if they would like to come along.

Several people who didn't really have to travel far, did that for ours.

It gives people the option to choose then. No expectation that they have to come to the Church, but that it would be lovely to see them there if they chose to.

Everyone that I know is on a tight budget and I'm never offended if people invite us to Evening only and since Churches (probably different for other venues...) are open, I just pop in and sit at the back to watch the service.

busreject · 28/07/2011 15:25

I think the evening invite but then mention casually in passing to those who live nearby that there is room in the church if anyone wants to see the ceremony.

At least its not as bad as the wedding we didnt go to, where we were invited to the ceremony which was at the same location as the meal but as there wasnt room for a small no of rejects guests we would be put on a bus into town and then brought back for the disco !!

As getting there involved a flight (still in uk though iyswim) we kindly declined.

I may also kindly decline to speak to the bride and groom ever again

harrietthespook · 28/07/2011 15:35

I don't like evening only invitations either but if you are inviting significantly more people to the evening do then it maybe it wont' be so awkward. The more you can do to make it feel like two separate events as it were, the better. I think it's a great idea to postpone the speeches until the evening do - even the cake would be great. And as long as you offer your evening do only guests more in the way of hospitality than a bacon sandwich and a cash bar I think people will be okay.

I am still scarred by the one evening do only I went to with DH a few years ago now. Five couples were invited for the evening do only. I am totally serious. We arrived there and the dinner plates were being cleared away - other relics (cut cake, pictures used during the 'humorous' speeches lying around) in evidence. I have absolutely no idea why they bothered to ask us -we felt totally surplus to requirements.

(Whatever you do, don't put a gift list in the evening do only invites.)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 28/07/2011 15:39

When I got married I had 60 or so to the church and "wedding breakfast". And another 60 came along for the evening do. (all of these lived locally and comprised a fair few of my parents' friends). They were told they they would also be welcome at church. It worked fine.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/07/2011 15:39

I've done this. Gone to the church service and then to the evening reception and amused ourselves in between. We travelled from London to Newcastle to do so as well!

But the bride was so pleased that we came and we totally understood how numbers can be an issue. We didn't have an evening reception with ours, just had everyone to the whole thing and I regret that. There were loads more that we couldn't afford to ask that could have come in the evening.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/07/2011 15:53

lachesis It's believed that in past times the bride and groom fasted on their wedding day until after the ceremony hence 'breakfast' rather than lunch, dinner or supper.

These days it's called a 'wedding breakfast' because it is the first meal that the happy couple share in their married life.

Original poster

OveranxiousUnderated · 28/07/2011 16:02

worldgonecrazy - I hadn't even thought about the possibility of moving speeches/cake cutting that might be something that I will consider...thank you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy - Thank you for your definition of 'wedding breakfast' - I didn't know why it was called that. :)

Thank you everyone for your comments.

OP posts:

LoveInAColdChamberOfSecrets · 28/07/2011 16:44

Might be a bit cruel on the people actually doing the speeches to leave it until the evening so they can't really drink and just get more and more nervous? But fab idea re cake cutting!

girlywhirly · 29/07/2011 10:16

I went to a wedding where guests were invited to the marriage ceremony at church, and an evening reception. Those who were family and closest friends were given an extra invitation to the lunchtime reception at a hotel, where the evening reception would also take place later. They had to do it this way because of the numbers of guests involved, the hotel couldn't fit everyone in for a sit down meal and also cost was a factor. But the groom wanted everyone to feel welcome to the church which doesn't always happen if some guests are only invited to the evening. They were careful to include guests who had travelled a long way in the lunchtime reception.

duffybeatmetoit · 12/08/2011 13:21

We had the traditional Groom and Best Man speeches at the wedding breakfast (50 guests) as neither of them were keen on public speaking. At the evening reception (180 guests) my matron of honour and I did the speeches. This meant that the nervous speakers didn't have to wait and the day guests didn't have to sit through the same speeches again in the evening. We also cut the cake at the evening do.

We were very keen to put enough events into the evening do to make the guests feel that they hadn't just come for a glorified disco. We also laid on a BBQ the following day for everyone who had travelled a long way so we got plenty of time to talk to them, so in the end the wedding breakfast was a very minor part of the celebrations.

oohlaalaa · 12/08/2011 17:14

I have had one of these invites, join us for the service, and then again at night. I just went at night. I didnt want to drive an hour for a church service, to then part with everyone who was going to the wedding. I preferred to have the whole day freed up.

If I'm honest we all thought it was a little strange. I would just keep to a day and night do. Saves on the cost of Order of Service.

At our wedding, my granny's sister came to the church service, and brought a present. She wasnt invited, as we dicided not to stretch as far as great aunts, but she chose to come and watch the wedding, and didn't seem the least bit offended at not being asked to the reception. Perhaps you could give people the option verbally, if they so wish.

MillontheFloss · 12/08/2011 17:28

I would just invite 50 to ceremony plus meal then other 50 to evening reception. May be awkward otherwise either for people having to hang around or for bride and groom to have to explain to people that there is an interim do which they aren't invited to.

Some friends of mine had a three tier wedding last year but the numbers went up with each tier, ie. ceremony- close friends and family (approx. 30 people), meal- wider friends and family (approx. 70 people) and evening reception with band etc for a much wider group of friends inc. work mates etc (approx. 120 people)

People turning up for the ceremony then being turned away just seems problematic.

Surely a more intimate ceremony would be nicer anyway.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 12/08/2011 17:36

Weeeel, we budgeted around the fact that we didn't want anyone having to do this - but we live in the back of beyond and everyone bar us and my parents were having to travel, however, that's not your situation.

I would definately do the speeches and cake cutting just before you have your first dance, then people will feel they have shared one of the special bits. I'm sure if you're clear about what the expecations are people will understand.

At the end of the day it's your wedding and people will either understand or they will be a pain in the arse, you can't legislate for that, so do the best thing for you and don't lose any sleep over it. Honestly, the voice of recent experience here...

good luck I hope you have a marvellous day and enjoy it!

Pavlovthecat · 12/08/2011 17:40

I agree with 50 at the ceremony/breakfast and the rest at the evening reception, it is not compulsory to fill the ceremony with tons of people!

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