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My husband acknowledged he was ill (I think) but I'm feeling pathetic

27 replies

AutismPosts · 25/04/2026 22:10

People might have lost interest by now (I dont blame you tbh).

A cautious breakthrough? I mentioned something he said while he was in hospital. He said "I wasn't thinking straight so I wouldn't take any notice". I didnt reply but it's the first time he has acknowledged anything like that. Is he starting to understand?

He is staying in bed most of the time. He is leaving the house at least once a day so he's getting dressed etc but otherwise hiding in bed. He sometimes sleeps, other times listens to music/audio books and plays on his phone.

I've asked him about depression and he got angry. He says he is is very anxious. I've seen him get worked up about things and needing reassurance but he's not talking much and is being very defensive.

He's less unplesasnt now but we're still treading on eggshells.

He thinks it is related to his tablets. He is thinking about discharging himself and going through his GP. She won't help while he is under the community team but he still has no idea when he will see them and is desperate to change his meds. I dont know how long he's going to keep taking them before it gets too much for him.

He has banned me from contacting the community team/PALS/anyone. He'll be furious if I do. He still doesnt trust me. I don't feel like he is ill enough for me to go against his wishes now. Which is good but I feel like I should be doing sonething about this, not leaving him to deal with it all alone.

He has stopped talking about pot which is a huge relief. I'm guessing he did his own research and found enough evidence.

He is pissed off that work wont let him go back yet. They've put an occ health referral in for him over a month away saying its the nearest they could get. It isnt but I know why they've done it and I'm thankful for it. He says he's bored and lonely and wants to get back to normal. I think a very, very slow return to work might be good for him. He likes routine.

He's not mentioned super intelligence or autism or anything recently but I think he has just put it on the back burner while he sorts his meds rather than moved on. He says he is fed up of me not supporting him.

A few things with our holiday have not worked out as planned and he also says he doesnt think he'll be able to cope so he told our daughter he's cancelling it which obviously upset her.

I've gently told him that we'd love him to come with us (although truth be told our daughter doesnt want him to now) but if he cant then we'll understand and we'll go by ourselves. I dont think he remembered that I told him this previously or believed that I will.

He was very unhappy about that and started talking about how everything is booked in his name and we wont be able to change it. So I need to look into it. I need to persuade him to pay any fees to get it changed to my name in case he cant come.

But then after the state today left me in, I dont know if I could cope doing it alone anyway. Dealing with condescending, smug and rude staff trying to get a refund made me cry (at home thankfully, I kept it together in the shop). My daughter bought a coat 2 weeks ago. The zip broke. My daughter tried to exchange it last week (with the receipt) but they were horrible to her apparently. I thought it was because she was young or hadnt explained it. I wasnt expecting the attitude and crap I got today.

They "remembered her" and apparently took photos! I actually had to bring up evidence of my consumer rights and they still denied them. They tried to tell me I needed to phone head office. I said no but would wait while they did. They threatened to throw me out (I literally wasnt doing anything, even my daughter who will call me out said that. I used to work in shops and I remember how horrible people can be so try not to be). Somehow one of the staff did phone head office. She obviously expected them to back her up. She eventually came back to the shop floor suddenly all niceties and smiles and said head office had told her there was a faulty batch (of course they did) so I could either have a credit note or they would send the coat back to the manufacturer who would refund me. I know my contract is with the shop, not the manufacturer but my daughter was happy with the credit note and I felt like we wouldnt win that argument so we took the credit note.

I was shaking but managed to hold it together until I got home where I cried. I have zero resilience. I'm now worried they'll be horrible to her when she uses the credit note and I never want to go in there again despite over half her clothing being from there.

I'll get over it but it left me feeling pathetic and weak and embarrassed. Shaking and crying and being scared to go into a shop again because a couple of women argued with me and were mean? Get a grip. A few months ago I would have taken the credit note and casually walked round the shop browsing there and then just to make a point! Just like my daughter wanted to do today. Instead I ran home with her sulking that I wouldnt let her use it today.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · Today 10:35

OP, so sorry things are still so difficult for you. That's quite a leap, that he is now at home.

I know I am disregarding his worries but I think it's ok to do that in the circumstances?

Of course it is, regarding the holiday, and indeed everything else. What's making this situation IMPOSSIBLE for you is treading such a fine line between trying to win his trust and trying not to let him dictate your life when his judgment is so impaired.

It's great that he has acknowledged that he "wasn't thinking straight", but clearly he still isn't, and might have just cottoned on that saying that sort of thing is the way to push the right button with you. Plus you still don't really know what's going on inside his head: I've seen him get worked up about things and needing reassurance but he's not talking much and is being very defensive.

He's desperate to change his meds, thinking about discharging himself, says he is fed up of you not supporting him (!!!).

He has banned me from contacting the community team/PALS/anyone. He'll be furious if I do
This places you in a horrible situation, devoid of support. "He has banned me from" would not be right in a healthy relationship, let alone one where a mentally unstable person is the one who is calling the shots. You say "I don't feel like he is ill enough for me to go against his wishes now," but it sounds as though he is.

If only mental health services could provide 1-to-1 care on a regular basis - I know that's just not viable, it's just the only way you'd be properly supported! I do think you must seek professional advice here, don't try to go this alone even though he expects you to. In your situation, if I could afford it, I would try and seek input from a private psychiatrist - alone, of course, without engaging your DH.

You've been carrying such a heavy load for so long that you have probably lost sight of just how depleted you are. You and your DH both want things to return to normal ASAP - for him, that's things like resuming work, and for you it's things like being able to take what he says seriously. But you're still in a stage where you can't really do that, and you must prioritise self-preservation here.

DierdreDaphne · Today 13:24

Him worrying about you travelling for the next four weeks is part of his illness. Pandering to it will not help him recover.

It's a symptom that gives him and his hcps insight into the issues he still has, and that need sorting.

Treating a brain tumour with paracetamol might give temporary relief from the headache. Cancelling your holiday might give temporary relief from his anxiety. Neither is actually helping make anyone better. And the latter would make yours and dds life significantly worse, and give him more to feel remorse over if/when (God willing) he recovers to that point.

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