Hi @GetOffTheRoof, I'm not able to give a definite answer to your question, I'm afraid. It's the sort of area where ethics become really significant and I'm wary of offering predictions that could give false hope. But I've done a 3 card 'Past, Present and Future' spread on "Will my family numbers change?" as a way of exploring the question rather than promising an answer one way or another. I've chosen the 'Inner Child Tarot' because your question suggested that would be the appropriate deck to use. Despite not feeling qualified to forecast a definitive outcome, I think you'll see by the end of the reading that there's reason to be cautiously optimistic. Here goes:
Your present position card illustrates a candle-lit procession through a darkened cave hung with icy stalactites. They glow in the light of the candles or torches. A large spider sits at the centre of her web, which is hanging from the roof of the cave above the heads of the procession. A slender snake is coiled in a figure of eight position atop a rock jutting out from the cave wall.
My first impressions of this card are of an inhospitable, womb-like environment. The eight long candles might represent ‘life lights’ that will struggle to keep burning in the darkness, and it’s not the number that’s significant in that sense as much as it’s the symbolism of the difficulty of finding a way out of (or through) the cave. The snake’s shape is symbolic of eternity, which could suggest a kind of ‘life sentence’ that puts an end to a particular route through difficulties. It might very well also represent sperm which can’t fertilize an egg, in your particular case. I take it that what you meant in your second post was that you’ve been told definitively, or it has otherwise been indicated, that you and your partner can’t conceive. The figures at the head of the procession have downcast eyes, as though they’re mourning or grieving. The card has a very reverent feel to it, a deep sadness that might stem from having had to accept a devastating situation of loss. However, the spider’s web glistens and glows with possibility. I sense there may be a network of connections that’s significant here, and the spider’s abdomen is quite plump, which could suggest that she’s pregnant. So I’d say that despite having gone through a painful process that has left you feeling as though you just can’t win, some unexplored options and potential remain. Or at any rate, the way isn’t completely closed as things stand. On a relationship level it’s likely though that things have been strained, and still might be. Are you feeling trapped or constrained in some way – perhaps pressure from different sides? You might be at the centre of some dispute or controversy which feels restricting and binding, but that’s a hunch that mightn’t resonate with you. I do feel that things aren’t clear somehow, or that you can’t see where you’re going at the moment, and that’s adding to some already considerable grief.
Things are very tough, and you might feel like you’re in an almost impossible position. A sense of imbalance in your life more generally might be the result of having neglected certain areas due to a single-minded focus.
Your card in the past position shows a figure seated on the ground halfway up a grassy hill, behind a row of upright swords with their points buried in the ground. The hill is shaped like a mound, perhaps suggesting ‘burial’, and at the foot of this mound, in front of the swords, prowls a fire-breathing dragon. In fact, its elongated, scaly body surrounds the mound completely, with its tail only inches from its head, almost touching it. I’m reminded of the mythical orouborus, a snake or serpent which swallows its own tail and symbolises the cycle of birth and death. Various possible scenarios present themselves here: the swords could indicate IVF treatments, a number of them, with the suggestion of something ‘injected’ or catheterised; the sperm which was unable to produce life, and effectively ‘swallowed itself’; or a womb which couldn’t ultimately ‘contain’ any impregnation. I apologise if this imagery is distressing to you, because what’s clear is that you’ve experienced deep sorrow and personal loss, which has been devastating. It’s a card of endangerment and/or endings, so it may be that you’ve had pregnancies which were lost, or couldn’t begin. Ultimately, however, this card signifies anxiety and great difficulty in seeing a positive side to things. It’s likely that you experienced a loss of hope. Worry and many sleepless nights are a typical feature here, with an emphasis on intrusive, upsetting thoughts which could be overwhelming and might’ve produced depression. One important feature of the imagery that I haven’t mentioned so far, however, is the sun just about to rise above the hill. This indicates that dawn will come soon and there’s a brighter way ahead. Unfortunately, I appreciate that when you’re dealing with such anxiety-provoking events and fears, it can be extremely difficult to see the light.
The card in the ‘future’ position depicts a figure sitting at a table in a high tower. Although there is a seat opposite her, it is empty, and she’s alone with her thoughts as she writes with a sword-shaped quill on a roll of parchment. There are three antique-looking books and a full pot of ink on the table, with a jar containing six more ‘sword quills’. She has begun writing something but she looks pensive and dissatisfied as she gazes out of the window at a beautiful scene in the distance, where can be seen a sun-filled sky over a beautiful blue ocean bay surrounded by an inspiring landscape. A small sailing ship bobs on the calm waves. Atop the writer’s high-backed chair perches a blue crow which looks down at her curiously as she rests her chin in one hand. There is a sense of dissatisfaction in the figure’s mood, and she might be taking refuge in an ‘aloof’ location, disdainful of the potential for freedom and fun that the outside world offers. Or she might feel ‘condemned’ to be stuck there when she would much rather be outdoors enjoying all that life has to offer.
Traditionally this card indicates taking actions which are hidden from others. It’s as though one has to do things covertly to get what one wants, as there appears to be no other way of reaching the goal. Direct communication seems to result only in confrontation, or conflict, and so decisions are made and actions committed ‘under cover of darkness’ where one’s real intentions can be hidden. Yes, in desperation this can seem the only way to get results, but it keeps others in the dark somewhat. But more alarmingly, it can also indicate that someone’s mental health is at risk, possibly as a result of withdrawing, isolating or even ‘splitting’. If this is a pattern for you under difficult circumstances, please be open to seeking support. Others might be concerned about you, like the bird keeping a watchful eye on the seated figure. They might observe that you’re going into yourself in an unhealthy way, ruminating on past losses or unfulfilled longings. You might be trying to understand how everything around you can go on as normal when you feel detached and without consolation. However, the open window does beckon you with the promise of something healing, if you’ll only reach out. And it might well be that the card is showing a long process of form-filling and applying for procedures such as fostering or adoption. Is there a possibility that travel will figure in your plans to expand your family, possibly overseas?
Overall, despite the potential experience of depression in that last card, I sense some ‘lightening’ of the dark even so. Where you are right now appears to be the low point, and although the immediate future mightn’t be the biggest step forward you could take from that dark place, it does represent a kind of indomitable attitude. You won’t give up, and the mere act of ‘putting pen to paper’ could help you feel like you’re doing something to take you closer to what you want. One word of caution, however: problems are ultimately more likely to be resolved to your satisfaction by facing them openly and honestly.
A potentially powerful technique suggested by this card is to write a letter to the child or children you hope to bring into your life/family. Although you haven’t met them and they currently exist as ‘possibilities’ in your mind and heart, nevertheless you can give them names and address the letter to them. In the letter you might want to express your desire to be their mother, and describe how you see your lives together as mother and child, the relationships you would build together, both between you and with other members of your family and friends. Write about what you’d like to offer them and how you feel about the possibility that they could come into your life. Visualise their arrival in your family and see them growing and developing as you care for and love them. You could put your finished letter in a secret place, with the intention of one day sharing it with them.
Please take heart, because I’ve used a technique called the ‘deep card’ and drawn a beautifully inspiring and life-affirming fourth card which shows three young mermaids swimming playfully around a sunken treasure chest. Joyful musical notes emanate from a large conch shell which one of the sirens is holding as she sits on the chest, next to which rests an anchor. Fish swim happily between the mermaids, and in the distance a green castle rises out of the waves.
This particular card can be associated with fertility and pregnancy as concepts rather than literal experiences. It speaks of joyful celebrations, often around the birth of a child, but again as a broad experience rather than a fixed process without variations. It’s a card of powerful attraction, just as in the legend mermaids were drawn to the land with a strong desire to live there. This card teems with hope and new life, even if that’s achieved by less conventional approaches, and it underpins your struggle. At the top of the card is a small red heart with white wings, a universal symbol of love which I think originally comes from Sufism, the mystical branch of Islam. There’s a sense of abundant potential in this card, signifying life and family. The treasure chest is pregnant with unclaimed riches, and the anchor has a reassuring ‘grounding’ effect on our lives, protecting us from drifting too far from where we need to be, and keeping us together.
Finally, this card can indicate relationships which have abundant potential, although life’s trials and our own developmental processes can test those relationships at times and remind us of their nature as dynamic processes which can’t be taken for granted but must often be worked at in order to strengthen them against separation. If you already have a family then part of the advice of this card is to recognise the ‘fertile’ aspects your life already reflects, and treasure those rather than becoming too preoccupied with what might represent ‘castles in the air’.
