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Original poster

Dating an ex pupils parent

28 replies

Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:04

Just looking for a little bit of advice with a situation I’m in at the minute! During the summer holidays I was out with a group of friends and we ended up with a group that her boyfriend was friends with, in that group was a Dad of one of the children in my class that I had just taught before the summer holidays. It was awkward at first, however, it was a really good night, we got on loads and exchanged numbers. I was hesitant to go out with him when he asked, worried about the fact I was his child’s ex teacher, however, after many attempts I did decide to go out with him. We have been out a couple of times since and we get on really well but again in the back of my mind I have that I was his child’s ex teacher and the child can still be quite clingy to me now, still drawing me pictures and loves seeing me around school. It’s starting to get to the point where if it continues the way it’s going I’m going to have to make the school aware of our relationship and I’m worried how this will be perceived. There is nothing in any of our school policies stating we can’t and I don’t teach his child anymore but I worked really hard for this job and of course that is way more important to me at the minute. Just wondering if anyone has any advice or if this has ever happened in the school you’re in? Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:05

bloody hell
no op, not something i’d have done
this has shit show stamped all over it

chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:06

is this your first teaching job?

Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:08

Just replying to your first comment before it was edited, I think you’ve read it wrong.

We’ve not in a relationship at present but it would go that way if we continued seeing each other how much we get on. At current there’s only myself and him that know we’ve been out, so no he has not ‘already introduced me as his girlfriend’

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:10

in that case
walk away
messy messy messy

first teaching job?

Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:13

It is yes

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:19

Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:13

It is yes

yes OP
That is clear from you even asking this tbh

Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:21

So why ask? Or are we just trying to be patronising? I asked for people’s opinions, you’ve given yours, leave it at that

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:22

Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:21

So why ask? Or are we just trying to be patronising? I asked for people’s opinions, you’ve given yours, leave it at that

well, to confirm
which you did

oh dear

chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:23

if you get any more, they will likely say exactly the same

but you don’t want that advice so will ignore anyway

Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 27/09/2024 19:27

chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:23

if you get any more, they will likely say exactly the same

but you don’t want that advice so will ignore anyway

Edited

That is not at all the case, I asked for people’s opinions and everyone has different ones, which are greatly appreciated, however, I do think there’s a way of expressing opinions to be helpful rather than being patronising and rude.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 27/09/2024 19:29

oh you sensitive soul

i have said nothing patronising or rude

It is clear that you are inexperienced, there’s no two ways around that 🤷

StolenChanel · 27/09/2024 20:51

I would call it off, @Cherrydress1

BoleynMemories13 · 28/09/2024 07:17

The situation is way too messy. It would definitely need declaring if you did enter a relationship, and even if there's no written rule it would be highly frowned upon. Most schools don't even allow contact with parents on social media.

It's a shame but, as the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Focus on people not directly linked to your pupils as dating this man would be crossing a massive boundary.

If your heart is screaming different, your only logical solution is to find a new school. That would mean postponing a potential relationship until Christmas at the earliest, if you found something different for the spring term. Even then it would be messy as it will still get out that you're an item, through the child's mother.

You need to consider the child's mother's reaction (they could really sully your name and reputation among other parents) and, most importantly, you need to consider the impact on the child. It could be fine for a while, as they obviously like you, but what about if you split up?

Personally I wouldn't even consider this man as a potential partner, even if you were to leave the school. It's incredibly inappropriate.

BG2015 · 28/09/2024 08:25

I worked with a male teacher who ended marrying a parent.

It's not uncommon and if handled delicately could work out fine.

Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 28/09/2024 08:56

BoleynMemories13 · 28/09/2024 07:17

The situation is way too messy. It would definitely need declaring if you did enter a relationship, and even if there's no written rule it would be highly frowned upon. Most schools don't even allow contact with parents on social media.

It's a shame but, as the saying goes, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Focus on people not directly linked to your pupils as dating this man would be crossing a massive boundary.

If your heart is screaming different, your only logical solution is to find a new school. That would mean postponing a potential relationship until Christmas at the earliest, if you found something different for the spring term. Even then it would be messy as it will still get out that you're an item, through the child's mother.

You need to consider the child's mother's reaction (they could really sully your name and reputation among other parents) and, most importantly, you need to consider the impact on the child. It could be fine for a while, as they obviously like you, but what about if you split up?

Personally I wouldn't even consider this man as a potential partner, even if you were to leave the school. It's incredibly inappropriate.

Thank you, these were all concerns of my own anyway. It is such a shame but like I said in my original post, I love my job and that comes first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrydress1 · 28/09/2024 08:57

BG2015 · 28/09/2024 08:25

I worked with a male teacher who ended marrying a parent.

It's not uncommon and if handled delicately could work out fine.

‘handled delicately’, could you elaborate please?

OP posts:
jennylamb1 · 28/09/2024 16:13

I'm a bit foxed, if it's an EX pupil surely it's not a problem? It would be sensible to talk to your Head about it in order to be fully transparent and to seek some official guidance on it, however given that you don't teach the pupil anymore I can't see any professional standards being breached unless I'm missing something.

jennylamb1 · 28/09/2024 16:16

Actually, having re-read, I realise that the pupil is still at your school, so more of an issue. Speak to Head, it could be confusing for the pupil seeing you with her father, though you might want to meet without any contact with her for a while to see how the relationship goes, if you want to pursue it.

roadmaintenance · 29/09/2024 10:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PrimaryTeacherabc · 29/09/2024 10:57

I really don't see what the issue is. Two consenting adults like each other and go out on a few dates. This situation didn't occur in school time, at the school gates. It happened in your own time. If the Op really likes this man, then go for it, I say. There are more important things than the job. Give up on potentially years of happiness because of the job???

I would inform your Headteacher, be open about it, explain what happened and promise to keep it low key. Keep the child in the opposite side of the school, (conflict of interest) blah blah blah. I have worked with lots of staff members who have had their own children in the same school that they work in. It hasn't been a problem at all. Adults who work together, adults who meet each other, can like one another. I really don't see what the problem is, especially now that the child isn't in the teacher's class.

Worse case scenario, if you are really worried, but want to keep seeing him, keep it low key and explain to the child that when at work, you are a teacher and not step mum or whatever.

cansu · 07/10/2024 21:26

I think I would just speak to the head to let them know. If you do start seeing him then he might also need to talk to his child to make it clear that at school you are Mrs X. Just be honest about the situation and take care to be professional in your dealings with child. Also be careful not to ever discuss any info about other children at all or sensitive school issues with the dad.

CeciliaMars · 08/10/2024 16:46

I don't really see the issue! Would maybe check with the head though. And I would be avoiding spending time with the child outside of school unless the relationship gets really serious. Good luck!

Twirlywoo · 14/10/2024 21:59

Don't see the issue here either. You are not his child's teacher anymore. I say go for it!

good96 · 15/10/2024 21:55

As a Head myself, given that the pupil is still at the school, I’d still class this as a conflict of interest even though that you don’t teach them.

You really need to declare this especially if the relationship develops. You will make it worse for yourself if you don’t and it becomes public knowledge. The safeguard risks if you stay over and the child is there etc….

It may be the case that you look for another job in another school to preserve and protect your career.

SavvySquid · 31/12/2024 00:34

@good96 As your a head is like to pick your brains about a pupil/teacher relationship? Would you mind. If you do it's ok. Not to worry