Addressing the death of a classmate

[HellesBellesThinksSometimes]

A girl in one of my classes died unexpectedly last night. She has been in my class since year nine. I don't know what to do on monday. I don't know what to expect from her classmates. I have her class period 2. What do I do? A normal lesson? Try to keep everything as normal as possible? Should I mention her or her death at all? Or only if the students mention her?

I had a classmate die from an asthma attack in year 11 .
We were expected to carry on with lessons and even had a chemistry test that morning.
Looking back, 30 years! It would have been better to just give us some time to talk and support each other.
As a mental health professional , I think you should mention what has happened and let the pupils talk.

I'm sorry, that must be a terrible shock for all of you.

I think I would have a proper lesson prepared but be guided by the mood of the class. If they want/need to talk about it I would let them.

Such sad news.
Your school should have a 'policy' about how it copes in this situation. Maybe the head teacher will call a staff meeting before school starts on Monday to brief you all? Maybe you could email him/her and ask?

Oh that's so terrible. Reaction from class will vary hugely depending I their own experiences and maturity.

A really hard one to judge...I expect your school will plan an approach for you to fit in with which will encompass how she is to be remembered and celebrated. Are you her form tutor? They would normally take a lead with someone on SLT on making a book of memories, photos etc. there will alarmist certainly be a special assembly to break the news and to be a focus for grief. It's hard to get a balance between the need for an outlet for the awfulness and making sure that some normal routine is maintained so that hysteria doesn't set in.

I would def. mention it in your lesson, acknowledge how awful it is, say you understand everyone is very shocked and upset. Don't offer platitudes or your own beliefs about life after death or whatever. Just let them know that you are shocked and upset and sorry too. As soon as you can, turn the conversation to positive memories of the person and what was special,about them.

Possibly set some routine 'busy work' that doesn't take too much brain power so pupils can get on without being over taxed. Be prepared for weepiness, have tissues on hand, support discreetly and have water/cups for drinks and a packet of biscuits or two for distraction.

I am sorry for you. Look after yourself. It's really awful when a pupil dies.

Thanks, will do. As a christian, my inclination is to pray with the class but my school is secular so I know that would be frowned on. I just want to have a plsn ready, in my head, for monday. Even down to the words I will use.

A classmate of mine died when we were 12 and I have been sitting racking my brains trying to recall how the staff dealt with us and what they said but I can't remember.

Not 'alarmist' sorry, should,be 'almost'.

are you ok? You must have known her very well too. I hope your SLT are supporting you.

Repeating what AntiJam has said. I would also hope for some guidance from senior management, since the whole school community tends to be (understandably) heavily effected by these events and it's sometimes necessary to have counsellors on hand for pupils.

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. :(

SLT should really guide you in this. If she was in your class, I can imagine that the class will want to talk about her and what happened. Maybe have some work ready, but be guided by them.

Science and pshe. I just don't want to muck up the students by either seeming dismissive or by overemoting. I am also aware that, by the time they get to me, they will have already bern spoken to by their form tutors and by their period 1 teacher.

The school hasn't even been officially notified yet but planning a response has begun and counselling offered.

Sadly I've now experienced this several times. The best thing you can do is teach lessons as normal. Pupils will be upset but they crave the normality as well. I'm not saying ignore the fact but a simple smile to students and open door at break/dinner is best. Usually the death is recognised and spoken about in form time. As others have said your head will tell you how to proceed on Monday. It's hard-my thoughts are with you.

Praying is a no no, you know that. And def. no implying that this is God's will or anything. That would be terrible.

I think I said something like this (pupil died in class last year)

"I know we have all had awful, shocking and sad news about X. It's such a terrible thing to happen, and I know you will all be very upset and worried. Mrs Y, her form tutor, is going to plan how we can best celebrate her life and collect together some happy memories. Is there anything you want to ask me, or to talk about now? (Answer briefly and honestly any questions). Ok, I've got some work for,you to get on with, but if you'd like to talk quietly to each other or to me, just ask."

Pour drinks at side of class, hand out biscuits and tissues if required. Some children did get on with work as needed the distraction. Take out anyone who gets very distressed and pass them on to pastoral team. Encourage pupils to respectfully share their beliefs about death but curtail any prolonged or hard line views about heaven/hell etc

This happened to the tutor group I had when I was 24. They were year 9 and one of the girl's died of leukaemia during a half term break. I have to say, it is the singularly mosttragic and difficult thing I have ever had to deal with at school. Trying to manage your own feelings whilst coping with their's is hard. The children will have had opportunity to speak with their parents and most probably friends before returning to school which will at least mean that it isn't a shock for them that morning. A member of my senior management team came to my form with me on the first morning to speak to the class so I wasn't left to try and cope. We had a staff briefing prior to school starting and senior management gave us our lead. As far as possible lessons tried to continue, but we had an assembly as soon as possible on that morning and any children profoundly affected were given the opportunity to be excused lessons to speak with a senior teacher/ school counsellor. Ask for support in your lesson if you think you may need it on that first day back. I'm so sorry.

I don't think I have ever considered any death to be God's will.

Re wording, reading theough your collective responses, I think I will mention it briefly at the start of the period. Acknowledge her death and what a blow it is, confirm that such sad news will affect each of us differently, emphaisise that using the school counsellor isn't just for her closest friends but for anyone who wants to talk through their feelings about her and her death. I will put out a couple of consolidation tasks so that they feel it is a routine lesson but it won't be too demanding for them. If anyone wants to ask questions I will answer them as honestly as I can. If srudents want to eulogise or share memories, I will make paper available so they can be written down and forwarded to her form tutor.

The HoY is going into her form class during tutor. Science is setted so there will be students from her form class and from other form classes. Obviously, this is all new news and I am getting more information all the time. No doubt, before monday, the slt will provide details of hos they want staff to support the students but I knew I would just lie in bed tonight mulling it over and over. I feel a lot better for knowing I have ideas - thanks to the guidance I've received here - for how to address her death during the lesson she should have been in.

You are allowed to be upset too. It can be easy to concentrate on how to deal with the students and manage their grief but you have also suffered a shock and a loss. Take care of yourself

On a practical level, do go to the folders (whatever you use) and set her work aside. You don't want a child trying to give it out. (I have been here too)
Children not close may still be very affected as it makes them think of their own mortality, sooner than we'd like them to have to.
You sound like you'll be really sensitive to their needs

Haven't read responses but what I would do is a new term, a new seating plan. That way the empty chair isn't just sitting there empty. Maybe rearrange tables too, to make it less ...?!? I don't know what the word is. Not to erase her presence at all but to not highlight the absence?

That sounds like a really good plan helles.

It is really an awful thing to happen. Staff will be very affected too. Take care of yourself and each other.

BTW I was enormously angry that some staff members seemed not to be that bothered about the child..."I didn't teach her" etc.

I was surprised how upset I was about that. I am sure, in retrospect, that everyone was just dealing with it in their own way, but the strength of my own feelings surprised me. Then I felt bad that I was so angry...etc etc . A very difficult time for everyone.

A girl from my ds2 class committed suicide, I know this is different and obviously counselling was involved and the whole school knew.

I think some announcement should be made, with details appropriate.
Would agree about the empty chair, she sat next to my ds, small class, it really affected him and class mates.

Tell them of any support available, maybe a memory day or box of messages. Don't expect any work from them as they will be dazed and take your lead from HT or SMT.

Thankfully, seating in thst class is fairly fluud. They're doing btec so they tend to be seated based on which task they're on. Good thinking about her folder, thanks for that.

Dazed. That's exactly how I feel.

This has happened to me three times in my career, and I don't think it's anything you can plan for. For those first few days, you need to expect to be fairly fluid and take things as they come. Let the students know that different people deal with grief in different ways, and that they must be kind to each other and not bicker or criticise. It's also worth being on the look out for "competitive" responses - I know that sound heartless, but it need to be said (not to the kids, I don't mean that) The first time this happened in a school I teach in was several years ago, when a Yr 9 boy was killed in an accident on bonfire night. He was a bit of a likely lad, and so his friends were the "naughty" boys. It was heartbreaking watching them try to deal with their grief, but also seeing how it was exacerbated by the (mostly) girls who suddenly decided that the poor boy who had died was their best friend.

The third time, which is far more recent, was a girl who committed suicide. She was Yr 11, and there was a lot of anger from those who were genuinely her friends feeling that people who had not been kind to her were jumping on the grieving bandwagon. The anger went on for months - to the point that their end of Year 11 assembly was disrupted when the Head tried to pay tribute to her, and those who felt she had not been dealt with fairly at school when she was alive made a bit (and unnecessary and unfortunate) scene.

The second time was a wonderful boy in Yr 13 who died of sudden adult death syndrome. That was terribly sad, but the grieving was more "mature" (if I can say that) because our 6th form is small and very close knit, so the students were very supportive of each other.

Just try to be there for the ones who need you. I'm sure the school will have a plan.

Such a sad event, but I guess it's a rare teacher who doesn't have to deal with this during a career.

Thanks eviltwins I have thought through a few people in the class who will suddenly have got on really well with her as of monday morning. The same people who need every scrap of attention going. Also a couple of students - one who recently lost a relative, one whose relative will die soon who will genuinely find this very difficult even though they were not particularly close to her. There are a couple of people in the class who didn't get on with her and I suspect they will struggle.