The Intense Grief after Losing a Pet

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 27/10/2024 20:13

Of course you're still grieving @AheadOfTheCrib it's been 2 days - no time at all.

It's such a wrench when you lose a pet, especially a cat or dog. They're family, they're friends, and sometimes they're soulmates.

Sounds like you having your sweet dog PTS was the kindest thing to do. He was suffering at the end... He had 11 great years with you, and had a wonderful life because of you. And you did the kindest thing an owner can do for their beloved pet who is in pain and suffering. You let him go. 💞

I'm sorry you're so blue. Time will make things better. But it's only been 2 days.

Take care. Lots of love 😘

User100000000000 · 27/10/2024 20:18

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 20:02

My 11 year old dog had to be PTS on Friday. He had difficulty walking for nearly 2 years, I had a mobility harness to help him the past 6 months. He got a pressure sore which got infected. We treated it for three weeks but no improvement, the skin around it started to die and was causing him so much pain.

My brain knows it was his time, and that I couldn't let him suffer anymore, but my heart regrets ever phoning the vet that day and I would do anything to have him back with me.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything. I feel guilty about my decision to let him go, and I feel guilty if I do anything relatively normal like showering.

Will the pain ever ease? I miss him so much...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our 13yr old was put to sleep today and I'm grieving badly like you are. However, Vets do not put animals to sleep unless they agree it's their time.
Our Alfie was suffering just like your dog was. You did the absolute best thing you could possibly have done for him. He's no longer suffering and is right by you in spirit.
Remember, they can’t tell you when it's hurting more and can they have more painkiller please. Or ask you to put a cold compress where it hurts. They can’t tell you that they feel sick so that you can give them more medication to get rid of their nausea.
So whilst it may seem like it's done before they've become bad enough, quite often it has to be done at this stage before they get so bad that they're suffering but can’t tell you how badly.

Alfie should've been put to sleep on Friday. However my mum took his alertness & the fact he was still walking around, still nattering for food, to mean that he could easily see out the weekend. However this wasn't the case and he woke up this morning in a very bad way. He had to be taken down to the Veterinary hospital and put to sleep this evening.

OP you did the right thing, you didn't leave
him to get into such a bad state like Alfie was.

My mum is beside herself with grief, as you are. He's been her companion ever since just after my Dad died.

I really hope you've got some support around you. I'm here if you want to chat 🐾

CanalBoots · 27/10/2024 20:26

I'm so sorry for your losses @AheadOfTheCrib and @Onestepfromendingitall. It really is the most awful pain and terrible loss. We love our pets so much and, even though you know you've done the right thing by your dear friend right to the very end, it hurts so badly.

All you can do is be gentle to yourself and grieve. Things do get better given time I promise.

itsalwaysthesame · 27/10/2024 20:43

Aw it's so raw still, he was in your life for 11 years and it will take you a long while to recover from the grief, be gentle on yourself. Guilt, anger, denial, what if's are all part of grief, you did right and take comfort that you did not let him suffer

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 20:51

Thanks everyone for your kind comments
He's my first and only dog, my best friend, my shadow, and the deepest loss I've felt.

@Onestepfromendingitall I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so hard to know when the right time is because your heart always wants a bit longer and a bit longer with them. Sending love to you and your mum ❤️

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powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 20:56

" I feel guilty about my decision to let him go"
Why? You would have been guilty (regardless of feelings) if you had forced him to stay alive in pain while there was a humane alternative.

"My brain knows it was his time, and that I couldn't let him suffer anymore, but my heart regrets ever phoning the vet that day and I would do anything to have him back with me."
The heart wants what the heart wants, but it's not always the right thing to do which is why, most times it is correct to let the brain win the argument as you did. It was better for him and, medium/long term better for you.

"Will the pain ever ease?"
Yes. However:

"I can't eat, I can't sleep"
If you still can't eat or sleep by tomorrow, ring your GP and get a couple of sleeping tablets
for the next couple of nights to tide you over, and maybe an appetite stimulant if they do that sort of thing short term.

TheAlertCrow · 27/10/2024 21:09

Blue cross have a pet bereavement service. I’ve only ever had cats pts due to old age but my last cat had to be pts after a suspected poisoning and I felt such guilt and questioned if I could have/should have done more. I sent them a huge long email telling them all about her and what happened and they send me the most lovely supportive email back, that was all I needed but they can support your further.

I now have my first dog who is 9 and I dread the day I lose her, I know I’ll need them again.

So sorry for your loss.

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 21:14

powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 20:56

" I feel guilty about my decision to let him go"
Why? You would have been guilty (regardless of feelings) if you had forced him to stay alive in pain while there was a humane alternative.

"My brain knows it was his time, and that I couldn't let him suffer anymore, but my heart regrets ever phoning the vet that day and I would do anything to have him back with me."
The heart wants what the heart wants, but it's not always the right thing to do which is why, most times it is correct to let the brain win the argument as you did. It was better for him and, medium/long term better for you.

"Will the pain ever ease?"
Yes. However:

"I can't eat, I can't sleep"
If you still can't eat or sleep by tomorrow, ring your GP and get a couple of sleeping tablets
for the next couple of nights to tide you over, and maybe an appetite stimulant if they do that sort of thing short term.

Yes, I did feel guilty in the days/week before he went because his quality of life wasn't great but I guess the issue is that he couldn't talk or tell me how he was feeling. Sometimes he seemed content and he was eating so maybe he would be ok, then other times he was indicating that he was sore (flinching away, licking the wound).
But even knowing it was the right decision, doesn't ease the guilt.

OP posts:

haggisaggis · 27/10/2024 21:17

Our dog passed away at home 9 weeks ago the day after his 11th birthday. He’d been diagnosed with a heart condition back in January but it was still a shock. I cried every day for 8 weeks after he passed. Not all the time, but every time I thought of him. It was far worse than the grief I felt when my (elderly) parents died. But it does get better through time. Now I can look at his photo and enjoy the memories. But it has been very, very hard so I feel for your loss and you have my sympathy.

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 21:18

TheAlertCrow · 27/10/2024 21:09

Blue cross have a pet bereavement service. I’ve only ever had cats pts due to old age but my last cat had to be pts after a suspected poisoning and I felt such guilt and questioned if I could have/should have done more. I sent them a huge long email telling them all about her and what happened and they send me the most lovely supportive email back, that was all I needed but they can support your further.

I now have my first dog who is 9 and I dread the day I lose her, I know I’ll need them again.

So sorry for your loss.

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry about your poor cat, I don't understand how anyone could do that 😢
Thank you for that information, that sounds like a brilliant service - I'll send them a wee email ❤️

OP posts:

vegandspice · 27/10/2024 21:25

Oh bless you OP .We love and care for our little 4 legged friends so much and it is such a heartbreaking decision that many of us have to make.Its a decision made out of the love we have for them and the kindest possible thing we can do for them after having a perfect happy life with us . Take care OP ,it will get easier eventually but grief can still come back at the most unexpected times .X

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 21:32

haggisaggis · 27/10/2024 21:17

Our dog passed away at home 9 weeks ago the day after his 11th birthday. He’d been diagnosed with a heart condition back in January but it was still a shock. I cried every day for 8 weeks after he passed. Not all the time, but every time I thought of him. It was far worse than the grief I felt when my (elderly) parents died. But it does get better through time. Now I can look at his photo and enjoy the memories. But it has been very, very hard so I feel for your loss and you have my sympathy.

I'm so sorry about your dog, it must have been such a shock for you 💕 I completely understand what you mean when you say you cry whenever you think of him, because I'm the exact same.. sometimes I feel ok, and then I picture his face or something he's done and I'm just in tears again
Thank you so much for your support

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powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 21:34

"But even knowing it was the right decision, doesn't ease the guilt."
Hmmm, I have never really understood this but it might help you to know that this really common. Often when I am euthanasing a pet I'll be mid injection and the owners start apologising to the pet. For euthanasing it, not for what went before.

I've never really been able to understand it but try to find the words to help people. "Don't be sorry- he'd thank you if he could. It's what he would choose for himself" seems to be a useful way to frame it for quite a lot of people.

MsPavlichenko · 27/10/2024 21:36

My lovely old puss was pts July 2023 aged 17. We have a lovely girl puss now, got her a year ago and we adore her.

We still miss our Ginger so much, and I had a wee weep yesterday when I saw a photo of him on my phone. It’s so hard, sending love.

RabbitsRock · 27/10/2024 21:39

So sorry for your loss OP 🐾🐾

powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 21:45

I find all the guilt quite sad, in itself actually. It's pitiful seeing people tying themselves in knots with such a sort of self destructive emotion.
I wish I could magically replace for people with just straightforward old fashioned sorrow.

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 21:49

powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 21:34

"But even knowing it was the right decision, doesn't ease the guilt."
Hmmm, I have never really understood this but it might help you to know that this really common. Often when I am euthanasing a pet I'll be mid injection and the owners start apologising to the pet. For euthanasing it, not for what went before.

I've never really been able to understand it but try to find the words to help people. "Don't be sorry- he'd thank you if he could. It's what he would choose for himself" seems to be a useful way to frame it for quite a lot of people.

The only way I can describe it is that he can't tell me what he wants me to do, so the weight of that responsibility is on me. Maybe if he could talk he would say that he wants to stay, or maybe he wouldn't. But I'll never know for definite, so either decision is going to leave me feeling guilty.

That is a nice way to think about it though, and thank you for considering how to make pet owners feel better even if you don't fully understand the feeling yourself

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 27/10/2024 21:57

So sorry, it is just awful. Our pets are family.

You definitely made the right but very hard decision. And it will get easier.

Ddog died a few weeks away from his 14th birthday. One morning we woke up and he was clearly in pain. We had to make the same difficult decision because we couldn't bear to see him struggling.

We wept for weeks. I've said it on here before, but we wept more than for relatives' deaths because he was a huge part of our daily lives and left such a big hole.

We are now 2.5 years on and pictures of him make us smile.

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 22:37

MsPavlichenko · 27/10/2024 21:36

My lovely old puss was pts July 2023 aged 17. We have a lovely girl puss now, got her a year ago and we adore her.

We still miss our Ginger so much, and I had a wee weep yesterday when I saw a photo of him on my phone. It’s so hard, sending love.

It's devastating, no matter how much you know it's coming eventually, doesn't make it any easier when it does come
Sorry for the loss of wee Ginger, but glad to hear you have opened your hearts to another addition ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 22:42

whiteroseredrose · 27/10/2024 21:57

So sorry, it is just awful. Our pets are family.

You definitely made the right but very hard decision. And it will get easier.

Ddog died a few weeks away from his 14th birthday. One morning we woke up and he was clearly in pain. We had to make the same difficult decision because we couldn't bear to see him struggling.

We wept for weeks. I've said it on here before, but we wept more than for relatives' deaths because he was a huge part of our daily lives and left such a big hole.

We are now 2.5 years on and pictures of him make us smile.

Absolutely they are family, Im the same as you and have grieved more for him than other relatives who have passed - I think it's because our pets are with us everyday and the love we get from them is so constant, never any drama or fuss.
I love that your dogs memory now makes you smile and you can remember the good times, it gives me hope

OP posts:

Original poster

AheadOfTheCrib · 27/10/2024 22:44

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented - sharing his story and getting support and reassurance from others who have gone through this has been really cathartic, thank you all ❤️

OP posts:

Thameslock · 27/10/2024 22:54

You had to make the most heartbreaking decision any pet owner would dread . You made that decision out of love,even though you knew you would be devastated.

The guilt from NOT taking that decision for selfish reasons would be cruel and the guilt from that off the scale. Be proud that you loved your pet more than yourself.

Time, in my experience doesn’t heal but it does make it more bearable. The time will come when you smile at the memories, you will know when that feels right for you.

Take care

muddyford · 28/10/2024 13:20

A vicar-friend said he didn't realise how much people grieved the loss of their dog. In his experience it was much more intense than for losing a spouse but didn't go on so long. I told him that was because grieving a dog is a pure grief; we don't have to plough through acres of paperwork nor arrange a funeral (unless we want something like that). We grieve the loss of our constant companion, who would have layed down his life for us.

itsnotmeitsu · 28/10/2024 17:48

@Thameslock "You had to make the most heartbreaking decision any pet owner would dread . You made that decision out of love,even though you knew you would be devastated.
The guilt from NOT taking that decision for selfish reasons would be cruel and the guilt from that off the scale. Be proud that you loved your pet more than yourself."

Your comments are very helpful, as I'm facing this tomorrow.

@AheadOfTheCrib > You'll probably feel like this for a long time, and I really, really feel for you. But the pain will eventually ease and you'll be able to think about how great it was to have him in your life without breaking down. Nobody wants to have to make that decision, but you did it out of your love for him. Don't despair if this sorrow seems to be never-ending, because eventually you will come out the other side. If they leave a paw print on our soul it means they were also lucky to have us.

User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 23:35

powershowerforanhour · 27/10/2024 21:34

"But even knowing it was the right decision, doesn't ease the guilt."
Hmmm, I have never really understood this but it might help you to know that this really common. Often when I am euthanasing a pet I'll be mid injection and the owners start apologising to the pet. For euthanasing it, not for what went before.

I've never really been able to understand it but try to find the words to help people. "Don't be sorry- he'd thank you if he could. It's what he would choose for himself" seems to be a useful way to frame it for quite a lot of people.

How can you not understand that? Aren't Vets supposed to be empathetic?!