I need advice on how to help my niece she is going off the rails and no-one has noticed! (long sorry)

[NoNameNameyChangey]

Ok the background, my niece is 13yo (soon to be 14) she has a terrible relationship with her parents and I am not close to them (there is a very big age gap). Recently her mother reacted in shock when I told her that it was against the law to smack or physically punish a child her words were "good job you told me" TBH I was too shocked to react.

DN is going through a tough teenge time, she walks out of school at will, stays up untill midnight on school nights and generally will not accept any authority at all. DSis has been going through a tough time for years, she has never engaged with her dc and never really cared much, she openly admits she wishes she had never had them (in front of them) and has days where she "can't be bothered to feed them" and so on. As they are older now they tend to fend for themselves.

SO, I have been aware of problems for a while and have tried again and again to get her mother to see it but she cannot seem to get the energy together to care and I am at a loss as to how to help given that her mother is not going to do anything other than scream at her...Her mother is also convinced DN is very innocent and does not really understand the outside world.

Problem 1; She is on Bebo, I know that she has friends on bebo that are adult and that she adds and chats to people who approach her - people she does not know at all, complete strangers.

Problem 2; she goes to nightclubs with friends, some her own age but I suspect also with her older friends too.

Problem 3; drinks, vodka and the like.

Problem 4; stays at friends houses and goes out drinking etc until 3 or 4 am.

Problem 5; her facebook is full of pictures of her posing in model type poses, including pics of her in her underwear - see through camis and thongs etc. The privacy settings allow friends of friends to see her photos (ie around 30,000 or more people)

Problem 6; when she is up late at night she is on networking sites and messenger with a webcam in a seperate room by herself, no-one checks on her at all. I know that some of her older friends have asked her to "pose" for them... I have no idea what else they have asked her to do or whether she has done what they asked. SHe is proud of and flattered by the attention.

Most of the above I have found out from my own teenage daughter and DN posts on facebook. I don't have a strong relationship with her as we have never lived close and I suspect it is too late to start one up now. I am nervous of getting my daughter involved, dd told dn how silly she was for accepting friend requests from people she did not know on bebo and got a serious dressing down from DN.

The problem is that her mother thinks she is innocent, doesn't drink, does not really "get" sex and also refuses to see any risk in sites like bebo and facebook, I have told her the statistics of people getting targeted on bebo and so on but she "doesn't buy it". Her mother does not go online and has no clue at all how these sites work.

What on earth can I do to help DN, how can I approach it? I know she is already half a step away from running away all-together and goodness knows where she would end up then! Sorry this is so long I am just at my wits end to know how to help when the parents are not willing/able to help too!

[Jujubean77]

I also thought about that story when I read this . It is a harsh reality and young people are v vulnerable to this kind of attack.

[cakeywakey]

On a bit of an aside, I would advise all parents to take a look at the information and advice on CEOPS www.ceop.gov.uk/

Protecting our children when they use the Internet is something that we should all learn about. It's not something that any of us should stick our heads in the sand about.

When we were younger, we were always told not to go off with strangers or to play on the train tracks. Safe use of the internet is exactly the same.

I've been on a training course about child protection this week and was told some very sobering stuff

[tatt]

Op would you be willing to have the child live with you? I have experience of 2 girls who have behaved like this and in each case what made the difference was moving out. One went to live with other relatives, one was lucky enough to find a decent boyfriend (same age, not a pervert) and his mother has taken her in. I won't pretend it was easy for the families they went to live with but they have come through it.

If you can't do that then can you be a friend for her to come to if she needs help? You can try to keep her out of pubs and so on but unless the underlying issue (need for someone to show her love) is addressed she will just carry on.

Could you persuade your DS to find more activities for DN that will introduce other responsible adults into her life and maybe some more conventional friends?

[NoNameNameyChangey]

Tatt, yes I would. I am not sure how that would be achieved though.

We tried getting DSis to do an activity with DN, she lasted about three weeks - which was pretty bad considering they were doing DSis hobby not DN's IYSWIM. She just does not have the inclination. DN considers herself too old for organised activities these days - which does not help matters!!

Harsh as it is I don't think DSis can be counted on to do anything really, she just is not up to it, for whatever reason. I suspect she has been depressed for nearly 20 years now (since she had an abortion that she did not really want to have) The problem is she has had chance after chance to get hlep/accept help, make changes and so on but cannot bring herself to do it.

I suspect part of her denial about all this is down to the fact that she does not want to recognise that her behaviour is damaging the dc. If she does not see anything wrong then she does not have to admit she has done anything wrong.

[kingbeat23]

To legally get DN to move in with you, then you would have to go through DSis and have sign over consent. But really it is up to DN if she wants to live with you (although, i am sure that you are lovely, she really might not want to).

I know that you have your own DD to look after, but are there no hobbies/clubs/schemes that they could do together, rather than get your sis on board, as she has thus far proved she is not inclined to do so. This would give her a chance to have a responsible peer group and an interest outside of the home/internet/club/drink connection.

[NoNameNameyChangey]

We are not in the same town kingbeat, otherwise I would have ensured a more hands on role long before now! (as in included her in activities, occasions etc to make her feel more "part of the family")

WRT having DN here, I meant more that I would have her if she wanted to be here not that I would want to force it legally IYSWIM. TBH I doubt DN would want to move - we have a lot more rules and so on here. I am very sure we are not a very attractive prospect to a young lady used to doing anything she pleases IYSWIM regardless of how fab I am!

[kingbeat23]

to all of it then....sometimes the only thing you can do then is sit on the sidelines and watch....maybe calling to find out how she is regularly and trying to subliminaly (sp?) change her views are the only way forward. Letting her know that someone, somewhere gives a damn about her might be the thing she needs? Not exactly the answer you were looking for, i know, but it's support for her none the less.

The same could be said for DSis as well. Going back to the OP you said she didnt know about the whole smacking issue, then try and drop things into conversation??

I'm sorry, I don't know what else I can suggest for you, but, please keep us posted on all the developments.

[NoNameNameyChangey]

Kingbeat, thank you, I really do appreciate all your help and suggestions - everyones help and suggestions. I am feeling a bit clearer now, I have a few options for ways to get some support - or at least people who can give me ideas of how to get support IYSWIM.

I also have a clearer idea of where I stand with it all IYSWIM, sometimes, as much as anything else, you need to talk things round in circles a bit to get it all straight in your head.

I am not sure if I can be her "saviour" but I can certainly let her know I want to be there for her, the rest of it, well I will have to see what I can come up with. I am investigating the clubs she goes into, I also have photos of the underage friends she goes in with (I love facebook sometimes) so I have the option of sending them all so as no one of them gets picked on in particular IYSWIM (and deflect the "blame" a little).

You are right about DSis, I am perfectly able to manipulate conversations around child rearing and current thinking etc - I can be one of those parent bores

You have all been great, thank you again, I will try to update you as and when things progress!

[LoveBeingAMummy]

Sorry haven't read all of the replies, the first thing i would do is report her pictures to facebook and bebo.

Any chance she would speak to your daughter? Not sure if you want her getting involved or not.

I know you said you didn't think SS would be worth calling but them or even a children charity might be able to point you in the right direction.

[NoNameNameyChangey]

Thank you lovebeingamummy. My dd has tried before - but got told off for being a "stiff"!

I have contacted a couple of diffferent groups who have made some suggestions and are coming back to me with some other bits so, hopefully, we can start making some progress soon!

[tatt]

You can't really force anything. You might show your sister pictures from bebo/facebook and newspaper clippings of girls who have been targeted by perverts. If you are computer literate enough you could install monitoring software on the computer so they find out exactly what is going on.

You could speak to social sevices -but I share your doubts about their involvement - or to the local police. Then if she is picked up as in need of care and attention they know they can bring her to you. When we were in a similar place we offered a home if she needed it and tried to show by staying in contact that we cared and wanted to help.

As far as activities goes self defence and Air cadets have helped 2 girls I know. But it is difficult as you aren't in a position to bribe her to participate.