Financial burden of lots of driving lessons

[sewknit56]

My DC is almost 18 and was really keen to learn to drive but 45 lessons in and she is struggling. She likes her instructor and feels that each week she is getting somewhere but it is a slow process- instructor has said she is very nervous, jumpy and that although a lovely girl she is a long long way off passing her test. DH has decided he will not pay for any more lessons with the current instructor and wants her to try someone else but she suffers from anxiety and she doesn't want to have to go through all the anxiety of trying someone new, a different car etc when she gets on really well with her current instructor. If she didn't like her instructor and felt she wasn't getting anywhere it would be a different story but she really feels she is getting somewhere now.

He says she needs to pay for her own lessons when she can afford it as we don't have a bottomless pit of money and she just needs to start listening as driving is a very very simple skill. No it is not - for some yes but not for others.

I don't have a driving licence so can't go out with her. I made the decision when I was 17 due to anxiety that I didn't want to drive - but she really wants to do it it is just taking a long long time. I worry now that she will never go back to it and although I don't drive it is a life skill that I would be willing to keep paying for as I am sure she will grasp it eventually. We have bought her a car as we thought getting out practicing would help but DH says she is a liability as she hasn't a clue so he won't go in the car with her again until she has passed her test - she gets really really nervous when in the car with him so I don't think it a true reflection of her driving skills

Has anyone's child stopped due to the financial strain and then gone back to it when they had the money to fund it themselves? The trouble is she has lost all confidence now as H just telling her she is a liability and completely rubbish.

She is hoping to get more hours at work after A levels so she can pay and I am thinking to maybe look for a weekend evening job to pay so she can carry on but DH will not use any more of his hard earned cash on paying for lessons.

[FlakyAquaQuoter]

I've got two sides to this really.

Firstly, at 17 I lost all motivation to do it after a while and instead wanted to move into my own place etc. I revisited and passed quickly when I needed to at 23.


Secondly, I found I was also slightly anxious when doing lessons spread out. The best thing I ever did was book my instructor out for a solid 4 days and completed my test on the 5th. I did two hours driving before even arriving at my test. That made me lose the nerves sharpish which really helped. After so many lessons, an intensive driving course could really help.

I'm not a nervous driver at all now, no matter the car or route, but my mum very much is. I know she says that even after 20+ years of driving, she still gets nervous if she hasn't driven for a week or so, until she settles into it.

Could that be an option? Even a two hour block twice a day for three days and just see if that helps her lose the nerves?

[FlakyAquaQuoter]

Also, your H saying those things to her will do nothing other than make things harder. So he needs to back off some!

[wonderstuff]

I took a very long time to learn to drive. I think I'm dyspraxic or something, it took me forever to learn, and I'm quite able to do lots of other things. I gave up when I was at uni, then went back to it, then ran out of money, then tried again with intensive course (which was a 30th birthday present) then finally I passed when I was about 34 - what made a difference was I had my own car, my instructor gave me lessons in my own car and my lovely husband also took me out to drive most days so I got lots and lots of practice. I also took my test in my own car. I'm now a confident driver, just took me ages to get to automatically change gears and look in mirrors and stuff I do now without thinking. I failed a couple of tests and then got very anxious when I took tests which didn't help at all.

If no one is going to take her out and she can't afford lessons then it's difficult to see how she is going to get there. It can be done later in life though - a couple of my friends passed before uni and then didn't drive for years and lost confidence, so waiting isn't the end of the world.

[Lemonnhoney]

She needs to be taken out in her car! Start in an empty car park ... Quiet time of day.. it's the only (cheap) way she will get more confident!

[ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey]

45 lessons in and being nowhere near close to taking a test - sounds like she'd benefit from ditching manual and learning to drive an automatic.

Automatics are just going to become more and more common anyway.

[JollyJanuary]

I was older than your DD but it took me 20 months of lessons to learn - about one hour per week, no additional practice. Tbh i'd keep at it with the instructor she's comfortable with. It does take some people a long time. If she stops it'll kill her confidence and at some point she'll have to start again. Probs doesn't help if your DH is putting pressure on.

[socks1107]

Took my daughter 18 months to pass so she's about two thirds of the way there if you compare it. I personally wouldn't stop her as going back my be difficult for a variety of reasons

[CantFindTheBeat]

Lots of questions, really, OP.

45 lessons should be enough to be a competent driver, even if the test becomes an anxious obstacle to overcome.

Yet you say DH can't be in the car with her.

What's he like? Is he calm, supportive, tolerant?

[BruFord]

As she’s got exams coming up, I think it’s the ideal time to take a break and reevaluate in the summer. Tbh, she sounds too anxious and jumpy to drive safely right now. Do you know what’s making her so jumpy when driving? Perhaps she’s just not ready yet and as @FlakyAquaQuotersays, she might find it easier when she’s older.

My DD passed her test two years ago and we found practicing with a parent was the most effective way to get comfortable driving. The instructor taught her techniques, but we spent hours just driving around on different types of roads.

If your DH doesn’t feel that she’s safe to do that, however, it might be best to put driving completely on hold for a while.

[Youcancallmeirrelevant]

45 lessons is a lot, i would say the same that its now time for her to be paying for them from a part time job.

[NavyPeer]

The only thing your husband is right about is that she needs to start listening and needs to try a different instructor. His manner generally is unpleasant but she isn’t really helping herself here.

if she stops now it will be a colossal waste of cash. She isn’t really getting somewhere if after 45 lessons she can’t go out in her car for private practice.

i wasn’t in your daughters boat because i had to pay for my lessons and experience the ‘financial strain’ of how costly it is myself with my own cash as a young graduate.

she also needs to know how bloody lucky she is that you are footing the bill for a new car and lessons and it does mean you have a bit of a say with instructors.

[LiterallyOnFire]

@Lemonnhoney

She needs to be taken out in her car! Start in an empty car park ... Quiet time of day.. it's the only (cheap) way she will get more confident!

How's that helpful when OP has said she doesn't have a licence herself and also made it clear that her husband is bullying their DD and ruining her confidence?

[LiterallyOnFire]

Switching to automatic does sound like a good idea.

Are you not able to intercede with your DH a bit and persuade him to be less critical of her? He doesn't sound like a great person for an anxious individual to be around. Is he like this with you too?

[GinForBreakfast]

It's fair enough to say there isn't enough money for endless lessons. Is she going to be confident enough even after she passes??

She needs practice between lessons. If your H is too impatient is there another family member who can spend an hour or two with her every weekend?

[taxguru]

45 lessons and very slow progress tells me it's time to change instructor.

I suspect the instructor is taking things far too slowly and cautiously, maybe or maybe not just to rake in the cash, but maybe because he's treating her with kid gloves and avoiding things, when what she really needs is a massive kick up the arse to "just do it". She'll never learn if her and her instructor don't press things and push her.

She also needs to be going out at quieter times of the day to get more exposure and confidence in more "complicated" driving such as roundabouts, dual carriageways, one way systems, etc. If she always goes out at rush hour or school times, it's going to be harder out there.

Also, more practice, can't your OH take her out a lot to get her used to driving more? If not, are there no siblings, aunts/uncles who could do it??

[Ozanj]

My Dad was like that. Mum couldn’t drive and I think he saw it as a power kick - he refused to take me out and then refused to pay for my lessons when I didn’t pass in 10 like my sister did. I had no choice but to stop until much later on in life when I passed after 60 hours & 4 attempts.

I think if she’s desperate to drive maybe get her in an auto. It will take much less time and may help with her anxiety.

[Duckinglunacy]

I passed after 22 lessons over 20 years ago now, but to be honest it wasn’t the lessons that helped me achieve that but the endless practice. I literally drove everywhere; everytime I needed to be taken somewhere the L plates came on and dad jumped in the passenger seat. For reasons it had to be dad and not mum as she drives an auto.

but. I was also paying for my own lessons. I think if she contributes, even partially or 50% that should help focus her mind. Though some people do take a really long time to get the hang of it.

[Bing123]

As you've bought her a car already, do you have a calm patient friend that could take her out for some practice?

[Justlovedogs]

Two suggestions:
Switch to automatic if not already
And
Practice in her own car with someone who isn't your DH.
When I learnt (way too many decades ago!) a friend of my dad's used to take me out a couple of times a week between lessons until I met my now DH. There is no way on earth I could have driven with dad alongside me then, especially as it was in his car!

[Babyroobs]

My dd has failed 3 times ! She is taking a break as the cost of lessons down south where she is at Uni are extortionate and as a student she just can't afford it and neither can we ! Fortunately my two older ds's passed first time.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

I struggled to start with, and lessons were expensive and I hated it'!

Then my mother started to accompany me (not in the lessons but as an experienced driver) and it gradually increased my confidence just to drive, change gear, use the mirror etc.

So then my lessons became more focused on the 'detail' of reversing round a corner, three point turns etc. and it all got so much better after that and I subsequently passed first time.

Perhaps DH could provide that support?

[Rosesanddaisies1]

I’d have a break, especially if she has exams coming up. And i definitely don’t think you should get an extra job to pay for lessons. I’d be feeling so under pressure if my parents bought me a car (no way they would have done that).

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

@ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey

45 lessons in and being nowhere near close to taking a test - sounds like she'd benefit from ditching manual and learning to drive an automatic.

Automatics are just going to become more and more common anyway.

you beat me to it

We've had automatics from my 2nd car onwards and it was in the days when you were hard pushed to get good autos other than MB

In an auto, put into drive, sit back, watch the road, turn the steering and enjoy your journey - simples

[FinallyHere]

While I appreciate that your DD may be highly anxious but I feel that a seemingly unlimited stream of free lessons and a free car may not be the right environment to motivate DD.

Have you considered learning yourself so you can take her out yourself? DD could start to give you tips if she feels she is ahead of you and you only need to pass in order to take her out driving.

You might find that would be powerful motivation. How would you feel about taking her out?

[rookiemere]

I don't think DH is being unreasonable to pull the plug after 45 lessons at presumably a minimum of £50 a go. It sounds like either the driving instructor is a poor fit for her, or she's struggling with learning to drive - or possibly both at the same time.

However he is being unnecessarily cruel by being critical and refusing to go in the car with her. Is there anyone else who might be persuaded to go out with her to let her practice ? Maybe she needs to practice and let the skills sink in that she is learning in the lessons.