Daughter is so sad about being larger than all her friends

[aida]

Can anyone help with this please? My (just) 12-year-old daughter is larger than all her friends - not just taller (she is 5ft 7) but bigger in every dimension (though not yet very big-busted, nor having periods). she is not particularly fat but she has a large tummy - always has had, since birth - and quite well covered thighs, and she is also heavy (9 stone 4). She is now pushing size 14, yet is surrounded by tiny dainty little friends who all still wear age 10-12 things. she gets so sad about this and it breaks my heart to see her struggling to find things to wear. she is such a beautiful girl - easily the loveliest in her class - long blonde hair, big blue eyes, clear peachy skin, long long legs - but what matters most to her is that she just longs to be like the others. ever since she was very young we have always done the "big is beautiful" thing, and i always told her how lucky she was to be a big strong healthy girl, not little and skinny like her friends who all used to shiver after swimming classes, and i think she has internalised a lot of this, but it doesn't help much when you can't find anything to fit you. even going shopping is no fun for her because she always ends up crying in the changing room because the girly things she has chosen just don't come in her size. she wants to wear the things 11-12-year old girls like - cropped tops, low-slung trousers - but these things really make her tummy bulge if they are too tight, and i just don't know where to go to find young teenage fashions in larger sizes. i have always know the time would come when she would find her size difficult to come to terms with, and now that it has i so want to help her. we have just had the saddest time: she was getting ready for a party and every pair of trousers she put on was too tight apart from her jeans (which she didn't want to wear) - she has obviously grown since she last wore all these things, but it was heartbreaking to watch the pile growing and to see her sobbing on her bed instead of enjoying getting dressed up. even my things don't fit her now (i am size 12) and i think that makes it worse for her because she can now imagine i don't understand. my questions, for anyone who can help, are these: on a practical level, what shopscatalogueswebsites are good for fashionable clothes for a larger than average 12-year-old, and on an emotional level what is the best way to support her on this issue? anyone who can help me find some answers to these questions will earn my undying thanks. PS this is my first post on this site, and i chose the nickname Aida after Verdi's ethiopian slave-girl because as the mother of two adolescents i feel like a slave who was born for better things ...

Aida, welcome to mn (& I love the name )

I am your daughter 20 years later and I have to say I wish I'd had a Mum like you. I was 5f 5 and a size 14-16 and I could find nothing to wear and despite playing netball and going jogging (something I love but haven't got the boobs for ~ ha, ha & I don't care anymore ) my life was made hell by a mother who constantly put me on diets and criticised me and told me no one would ever love me. My self esteem became such that size 14-16 me up taking comfort in food & at my largest I reached 19 stone! (Afer a lot of hard work physically and emotionally I am now a size 18 and have very few body issues [if one doesn't count the aging process] ).

Now I have a 15 year old whose weight fluctuates depending on time of year and at a size 14 she is gorgeous. However, she has had hell from classmates for being 'fat' (which she is not). Fat seems to equal ugly, stupid and lazy in this society for some reason. At the age of 8 she was plump. Noticably people made comments (well meaning Grandparents aaaarrrrrghh!) but I endeavoured to ignore it and have spent a lot of time making sure she knows that she is gorgeous & boosting her self esteem. And so far, so good. Dd walks alot (the journey to school and back takes 70 mins). She loves judo and dancing and we encourage it but try not to force the issue. She is very comfortable in her body. Dh (her stepfather) often complains that she is too comfortable in her body as she walks around the house in her bra and knickers!

To be honest we have had no problem getting her clothes she likes other than school uniform. Some of the clothes dd chooses I loathe but I've learnt to keep my mouth shut and let her express her self (within reason). Which she does with a certain amount of confidence and, as she gets older, chic. (Which makes me feel terribly old).

I realise I am not giving you any advice but tbh my point is simply that you are doing all the right things; by not criticising, by letting her express her feelings, by helping her make the most of what she has been blessed with...... and as dd's body changes, as her confidence grows, all of your hard work will pay off. With this age group anything can become the issue and their peer group is everything. The sad thing is made into a bigger issue now it can become a problem for life. One of the things that amuses my dd is that a couple of friends who at 12 & 13 made her feel inadequate as they were/are so slim (intentionally or unintentionally) etc now covet dds boobs .

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Hello i'm Lauren , My daughter is exactly the same she is 13 years old and 5ft 8 or 9, She weighs in at about 9 stone 6 pounds, She is constantly talking about how she wishes she looked like the girls she saw in the magazines, The rubbish they are putting out to our kids these days, On the front of every magazine is a beautiful stick thin girl which makes girls put themselves down for not looking like that, Everyone has they're beauty it just comes in differnt shapes and sizes, make sure your daughter knows she is beautiful to give her a extra confidence boost, I struggle with shopping for my daughter also she sees a top her friends have got but its not in her size all her friend are around 5ft so she stands out while walking to school each morning with them, she tells me how she looks like she is the mum walking everyone to school, She is easily the tallest in her year, I asked her what she feels like being taller than everyone else and she said that she just wishes she could be like everyone else and that the boys at her school dont even give her a second glance once they see her height, She said the places that she usually spends in with her friends are New Look, Tammy, River Island, Top Shop, Primark and have you tried Debanhams they have all these designer clothes in that everyones wearing and go up to a 16 year olds, She says that one upside of being tall is you fit into all the womans brands and you can fit into the stylish womans clothes where everyone else looks like they have walked out with a bag of size to big hand me downs, A few years back your height meant nothing now days you see all the stick thin 5ft celebs and thats is the "look" of today, I know how you feel just wishing she felt confident and good about the way she is, I'd give anything for my Gabbie to just be happy about her height, I keep telling her that one day she will be a model you have to be tall, Talk to her about young tall celebs of today like, Mandy Moore she is a beautiful sucsessful woman and she stands at 5ft 10, Im not much of a help but i can relate with the problems oh and a good online shop with all sizes and brands is www.mandmdirect.com/ your daughter sounds beautiful and she will grow up to be a wonderfull beautiful girl that will turn some head as she walks down the street Best of luck with the clothes situation love Lauren x

Hi sorry to butt in as i have 2 ds's but i know how your daughter feels. At 11 I was 5ft 4 and in a 10 in clothes, at 12 5ft6 and in a 14 by the time i was 13 i was the height i am now 5ft 8 and in a 16 in clothes with a 38c bust. I hated going out shopping with my friends. They were all dainty and I felt like an elephant. Now I am 33 5ft 8 and a 10-12 in clothes...all my dainty friends??? oh they are mostly about a 14-16+ in clothes.....so yes I was bigger than them, in every way and now other than my bust and height...so lets say just my weight \i am a lot smaller than them lol. And they haven't got dc either where as I have 2. I found the shops that suited me were the likes of mark one ok so they are not the most expensive but i did feel more fashionable....oh and as someone said once puberty hits tell her she will be fighting the lads off with her womanly body lol.....

I also had a "tummy" but now it is almost flat I reckon as long as she is sensible and doesn't get sillt about food in anyway you will see as she grows up she will slim down and be the envy of her friends who probably envy her already.

To put a different perspective on things, maybe some of her friends are jealous that she is tall enough, has big enough feet etc to fit adult clothes? Could that be why some of them are making her feel uncomfortable, at in y7/y8 girls are hypersensitive and not particularly tactful (not saying your daughter is either, just generalising)

I know my dd who is 14 in a few days used to cry before every disco too but because she hated having to wear 'baby' clothes, when she started secondary school she had little size 12 feet, she wore age 7 clothes, she had to have her uniform specially made, her shoes had to come from the infant girls range and she could never wear high heels etc.

I'd take her shopping and spend the whole day looking for a pair of really well fitting jeans (dark denim bootcut seem to be fashionable) perhaps a floatyish top to skim over her tummy and maybe a nice cardi or jacket, how would she feel about buying some make-up or having her hair done (I understand you might not want her to look too grown up iykwim) might make her feel better about herself?

Sounds like me when I was her age.

She will come into her own later. it is hard being surrounded by size 8's all the time. But as they get older, they all increase in sze. I teach secondary, and many tiny girls are normal size by Year 11.

I stayed same size-is for most of my life, but some of the skinny minnies I was at school wityh got much bigger. I think it is all about development. It is very hard when you are ahead of the rest of the class.

I guess I have this to come - DD is just 7, heading for 6 stone, around 1.35m tall a size 2 shoe and still a 'toddler' tummy shape. She has always been on the 99th centile for both height and weight - 9 lb 13 oz at birth and stuck to them like glue ever since.

Her Brownie pack were supporting MacMillan this week and wanted them to wear something green so off we trotted to Matalan to get a T Shirt - she tried on one for an 11/12 year old, admittedly it was a stretchy one, but it was horribly tight across her middle, so you could see her tummy button. We tried a women's size 10 T shirt and that was only just big enough.

i have this with dd age 10
she is be no means big, but i have to get her age 12 stuff.. as everything in shops seams so slim fitting,
she has a peachy bum and slightly chunky thigs, but she is a beauty....

she has always hated tight fitting tops so we have always bought her bigger sizes of those
but jeans etc we struggle with....

mum buys her some stuff in m&s which was to tight, and sadi i cant understand it dd is not big so why doesnt it fit....

we go in new look which she like s and tammy girl in bhs... she likes next but we struggle in there....

her sister is the opposite long and lean, legs right up to her bum, and tiny waist...

i feel for you dd. think GAP do different shape jeans but to expensive for me, although i would happily mosss a meal or 2 if dd1 was happy!!!!

I've just checked and according to BMI calculator, a 12 yr old who is 5ft 7 and weighs 130lb (9st4lb) has a BMI of 20.4, is on the 74th percentile and is a healthy weight, so it's not that she needs to lose weight, is it?

If she's not overweight but she has a little tummy, perhaps it needs toning, maybe she could do some exercises - if she could do such kind of thing with a sensible attitude and without developing a problem of course.

Other than that, there's not much you can do except keep searching for good clothes and keep up the fantastic positive messages you are giving her.

She is exactly the same height & weight as me & I'm a size 8-10 & have always been considered skinny.

Your dd sounds absolutely gorgeous BTW.