Dd severely depressed and don't know what to do

[Pimmsypimms]

My dd is 14 and in year 10. She is smart and has always been confident. She's had a few fallings out with friends in the past but she's been part of a solid friendship group for the last 18 months/2 years or so.
This group sent some pretty nasty messages to her and they fell out in October. The girls then isolated her by telling other friendship groups not to speak to her.
Ever since then, my dd has slowly slipped in to depression, she would always make an effort with her appearance and spend a good hour and a half getting ready for school in the mornings before his happened, now she will get up about 5 minutes before we have to leave and just tie her hair back with no make up etc.
She spends every lunch time in the library and she says she has no friendship group to spend lunch with and she is petrified that the library will be closed one day and she won't know what to do. She thinks that everyone is talking about her. She has friends that she speaks to, but not actually part of a group and she had totally withdrawn.
She is due to go back to school tomorrow after the half term and this weekend we have seen a real decline in her behaviour. She was anxious on Friday, barely Spoke yesterday and hasn't got out of bed all day today.
She said she doesn't want to go to school, she doesn't want to speak to anyone at school as she feels like she will cry if she does. She wants to be home schooled, that's definitely not an option. She is just absolutely sobbing about going back. I really, really do not know what to do!! I honestly never thought I would have to deal with this sort of problem with her as she's always been so outgoing and confident, but it's just like these girls have stripped her of any self esteem and she just can't pick herself up!
The school are aware and have given her a hall pass if she needs to leave the classroom for any reason and have said that she can go to the library no matter what, but I feel that this isn't really dealing with the issue. I know what there is very little help with regard to mental health issues with the nhs, but is it worth making an appointment with the doctors? Can they or will they actually do anything? She has said about killing herself, I don't feel that she would go that far, I think she is so sad about having to go back to school that she is expressing her upset.I honestly am lost

I just came across this on my ‘threads your on’ and wondered how it was going with your dd. Has she returned to school?

@Calmonthesurfacebut thanks for asking.
We are still pretty much where we were at the beginning of Jan 
Dd is currently either very angry or very sad.
She does have good days and when things are on her terms and she feels ok then she's the old funny, chatty, witty dd she used to be, however, when she struggling (ie, anxious about going in to school) then she has such a vicious tongue (which is usually aimed at me) and she can't be talked down. She gets herself in to such a state, kicking pulling her hair, scratching at her leg or face) uncontrollable sobbing and screaming (very guttural). She doesn't want to go in but she feels that she would let people down if she doesn’t. There’s no pressure from us or school, we don’t push her to going in and just tell her to do what she feels comfortable with.
I knew that going back after half term would be a struggle and so she didn't go in on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday this week. Surprisingly she managed yesterday for 2 lessons and then one lesson today.
She is still, generally, trying for 2 lessons a day, the school are still being very supportive and dd is still keeping on top of homework, however, she will still, inevitably, fall behind as she is missing out on the majority of her lessons daily.
We went back to the doctors a few weeks after the first appointment as a few friends suggested a different gp who they had found supportive with similar situations as dd was still very anxious and depressed.
Again, the gp refused any help and suggested that dd was the only one who could do anything about it and said that we should do some baking together 
Action for Children acknowledged our referral and they have a wait time of 12-16 weeks (that was 3 weeks ago) we have also made a referral to a local charitable organisation to see if they can offer any cbt. We are waiting for them to get back to us.
@Paddlinglikehell how's your dd getting on?

I'm sorry to hear this @Pimmsypimms, it is heartbreaking to see them go through it. Do you think moving her would help, new start and all that? I'm sorry too you can't seem to find more support.

Personally I find it so difficult to deal with, it's like a loss for the girl you once knew, although there are glimpses now and again, like you said, they are in there somewhere, just struggling to reach the surface.

DD has actually settled in well, she found it terribly hard the first few weeks, it is five times the size of her old school and there are boys, which change the dynamic. We had a few wobbles, where she missed her old school - I think it's like giving birth, you forget all the horrid stuff and always remember the good! However, she seems to have got past that. She has made a couple of good friends, they invited her to the cinema and stuff, she introduced me to them at a school play and they seemed lovely.

Workwise, she came top in the science exam, not a huge score, but was so thrilled, as her previous school was so academic and selective, so she was always somewhere on the lower end, as lots got 90/100% all the time, which used to be demoralising. She also is managing to keep up in the maths set they put her in, in her previous school she was in the bottom one, here she is in set 3 out of I think 6, so again, that's really good for her self esteem.

Most of the time she is okay, she never minds going in, but she is still very 'messed up', for want of a better word (I would never say that to her), she gets angry and turns that on me, but it's difficult to know how much would be normal 15 year old and how much is about what has gone on. She sees a therapist once a week, which she likes, but I have to question a little bit, as I know nothing that goes on - quite rightly too - but I'm sure she totally slags me off and says how unreasonable I am and of course I have no reply to any of it!

There's a thread on Teenagers - holding onto the rope, which is worth looking at, makes you realise you're not alone when it gets tough.

I had a bit of chat with her this morning, as she has been so rude and offhand with us recently and tried to explain how that makes us feel too. I know it's not really about us, but feel it is important she understands that she doesn't have the monopoly of feeling hurt.

A girl, the one who was her best friend, has messaged a couple of times, only chatting about school and how she is getting on, not about any of the other girls, she is cautious about what she says, as everyone else has been blocked. This girl was too, but contacted her via Xbox. Otherwise she has had nothing from anyone.

I heard that the girl who carried on the bullying after the first one was expelled, has left the school. Apparently they felt she needed a new start and it would appear that the other girls at school had started to accuse her of being why dd left and it was difficult for her - so the tables were turned completely. There is no way we would send her back though, the other girls were absolutely horrible, she is well out of it.

I just think it takes time, all we can do is, be there, try and be a friend, be the voice of reason etc. etc., but it is so, so hard. I think too, there is so much now about anxiety and PTSD etc., that they tend to get very wrapped up in their own feelings such a lot, which doesn't help matters.

I would suggest if you can afford it, you go privately to a therapist. I book blocks of four and it is cheaper that way, it may take ages otherwise and I think just someone for them to offload on, helps. I would never have thought the fees that we paid to what was supposedly a good school (not), are now paying for a therapist, shocking really, but the school let her down so badly.

I went through this exact same situation with my DD and school. We went through a terrible time. She is now 18 and has come through it and is now happy at college. If I can help, please let me know.

Sunday's are always bad. The reality of the school day tomorrow hits her hard and inevitably she takes it out on us. She can be so vicious 😔
All weekend she was great, Friday night and Saturday night dd, dh and I sat and watched Netflix together, dd had a friend over yesterday and went to a party this afternoon and then bam, this afternoon it's like a switch is flicked and she's a completely different person. She'll rewrite the weekend saying it was horrible, when in reality, she enjoyed it, up until thinking about school tomorrow.
It's unlikely she'll go in tomorrow. I can't see her going back to school properly at all. It's just so sad as she's so bright and has so much potential in her GCSEs, shes predicted 7s, 8s and 9s but the reality now is that I really can't see that she could actually make it in to sit them. She has her year 10 mocks in a couple of weeks. There is no way she can make those.
Ds is noticing the arguments a lot more now and commenting on them, I hate that he hears the shouting and screaming.
I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Ive given dd the option to move schools, but she says that she doesn't think she would be able to walk in to a new school and start again. She does like her teachers and lessons, but now we have the added issue of the realisation that she's starting to fall behind and that sends her in to a panic even more.
@Paddlinglikehell so glad to hear your dd has settled in well! I'll have a look at the thread you mentioned too, thank you.
@emanon sorry to hear your dd went through this too, but glad to hear she came out the other side, did she manage to sit her GCSEs ok?

I also had the Sunday night meltdowns which were very distressing. We survived because after a struggle I managed to get DD on a reduced timetable which allowed her to go in later on a Monday morning and finish at lunchtime on a Friday. She did make it through her GCSEs, with all credit to her she knuckled down knowing how important they were and passed 6 and with one re-take the following January, passed 7. Far better than I had ever dared hoped. She is now at college and doing very well. The teenage years are so hard, not helped by social media. My daughter found every day at school very stressful, not helped by stressed teachers, bullying, boys etc. It was all too much. Every school morning I would be filled with anxiety not knowing whether I could get her there. If I can be of any further help, please let me know as I know how incredibly hard this is.