Dd severely depressed and don't know what to do

[Pimmsypimms]

My dd is 14 and in year 10. She is smart and has always been confident. She's had a few fallings out with friends in the past but she's been part of a solid friendship group for the last 18 months/2 years or so.
This group sent some pretty nasty messages to her and they fell out in October. The girls then isolated her by telling other friendship groups not to speak to her.
Ever since then, my dd has slowly slipped in to depression, she would always make an effort with her appearance and spend a good hour and a half getting ready for school in the mornings before his happened, now she will get up about 5 minutes before we have to leave and just tie her hair back with no make up etc.
She spends every lunch time in the library and she says she has no friendship group to spend lunch with and she is petrified that the library will be closed one day and she won't know what to do. She thinks that everyone is talking about her. She has friends that she speaks to, but not actually part of a group and she had totally withdrawn.
She is due to go back to school tomorrow after the half term and this weekend we have seen a real decline in her behaviour. She was anxious on Friday, barely Spoke yesterday and hasn't got out of bed all day today.
She said she doesn't want to go to school, she doesn't want to speak to anyone at school as she feels like she will cry if she does. She wants to be home schooled, that's definitely not an option. She is just absolutely sobbing about going back. I really, really do not know what to do!! I honestly never thought I would have to deal with this sort of problem with her as she's always been so outgoing and confident, but it's just like these girls have stripped her of any self esteem and she just can't pick herself up!
The school are aware and have given her a hall pass if she needs to leave the classroom for any reason and have said that she can go to the library no matter what, but I feel that this isn't really dealing with the issue. I know what there is very little help with regard to mental health issues with the nhs, but is it worth making an appointment with the doctors? Can they or will they actually do anything? She has said about killing herself, I don't feel that she would go that far, I think she is so sad about having to go back to school that she is expressing her upset.I honestly am lost

[Hoppinggreen]

We are in Yorkshire and counselling for my teen was between £200 - £300 per hour. It’s very difficult to know if it helps and CAHMS were useless, although a friend who’s child had similar issues lived just over the border into another HA and they found them very helpful
It’s very hard for the school to deal with when it’s just ignoring rather than actively being nasty but it’s still awful for your poor DD and you tend to find that even the kids not doing it just want to avoid the whole situation so won’t engage with her either.

[Pimmsypimms]

Been in to see the gp and they were bloody useless too!!! Said to go back to the school and get them to refer her camhs that she isn't depressed in the clinical sense and that she's upset about what happened. I said I feel like no one knows what to do and everyone is pushing us to the next person as no one knows how to help! I asked for some local councillor details as all links to the nhs website comes up with page not found!!!
I said I would pay for counselling, I just need to know where to start, she doesn't even know, told me to go online am currently sat back in the waiting room so she can chat to another gp about it as I said I wasn't happy about going back to the school as they were useless and that I would like a referral.

[SeaViewBliss]

I'm so sorry your DD is going through this. A couple of suggestions,

1 - would the school pastoral team be more helpful? Ours were fab when DS was having issues, teachers never really got involved.

2 - If you google Youth Emotional Support and the name of your county, you should find some services that don't need referral. CAHMS will be overloaded with referrals and you are likely to have a long wait.

3 - If all that fails, I would just google, go to the library or your local council website 'teen wellbeing' or Young people's mental health - there is often a lot of help out there for teens, it's just a case of tracking it down which is never as easy as it should be.

Also worth a look is to see if MIND has a local branch near you - they are so so helpful and are great at signposting even if they don't have a suitable service themselves.

If by any chance you are in the South East, feel free to PM me.

I hope you get some help soon.

[Mustbetimeforachange]

We had exactly the same with DD in year 9. She managed to go in to school but mainly because I thought if she didn't go she would never go again. She went from being a straight A student to more or less missing year 9 work. I moved her in year 10 and it was the best thing I could have done. She still didn't really achieve what she should have done at GCSE/A level and still carries the mental health scars. The school were pathetic about it. Good luck, OP, she needs you to fight her corner.

[Hoppinggreen]

Our GP was pretty useless too I’m sorry to say.
They listened and nodded but then said we needed to speak to CAHMS, they also sent a follow up letter to say they couldn’t help but if we thought DD was a significant risk to herself we should go to A&E
I’m really sorry OP, sorry your Dd is having to go through this and sorry our MH services here are so shit. Even if you can afford to pay (we did) you have no idea if it’s helping or not

[PlanDeRaccordement]

she isn't depressed in the clinical sense

Sorry but GPs are not qualified to do mental health diagnoses only psychiatrists are and it takes more than a ten minute appointment to diagnose depression or no depression.

Good on you demanding that referral.

[Pimmsypimms]

Went back in to the gp after she had spoken with a colleague and said that they won't give her a referral to camhs and I need to go back to school and get them to deal with it and gave me some information on how to contact relate in my nearest city and some information on websites for help with mental health issues. She also basically said that if she does really feel suicidal, then take her to A&E, total and utter waste of time.
Spoke with a friend at lunch time and her daughter is seeing a councillor through the nhs in the next town along and she said she'd ask if they did private counselling.
I think we need to sit down now and have a conversation about moving schools. The one that I would consider sending her to have the same examining board as the one she's at now so shouldn't be too much of an upheaval with regard to GCSEs.

[Topseyt]

I am so sorry your DD is going through this. I am just offering some support, as you have already been given any advice I could have offered you.

I too have a teenage DD who has had mental health issues for various reasons. Unfortunately NHS mental health services are severely under funded, over stretched and very much a lottery. My DD did get through quite quickly, but only because she told them categorically (with me sitting beside her while she was on the phone to them) that she was in crisis and wouldn't be around for much longer if they didn't help NOW! Obviously I would rather not think too much further along that line now, but we are over a year on from there, she was eventually given a good therapist (and medication) and it is helping.

Sadly, it can take a crisis or the need to avert disaster to kick the system into action now. If you can afford to pay for some private therapy then that may help.

It also sounds as though your idea of moving to a different school might have currency here, though I hope you can get into the other one. It won't be an easy option though, and will come with it's own challenges.

All the best to you and your DD. I know what you are going through and how helpless and powerless it makes you feel. It is also very frightening, as you fear for your child and seem unable to put things right. It looks as though many of us on here have experience of this, and we are with you.

[Hoppinggreen]

Yes, to echo what Topseyt said I’m here if I can be if any practical help or offer support

[Lordfrontpaw]

A colleague had a similar thing with her elder daughter. She didn't want to be at school, was very anxious and making herself ill.

They eventually found a state boarding school and she really blossomed there ane went on to do really well in her exams.

They ended up selling up to move closer to the school to send their other daughter there too.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_state_boarding_schools_in_England

[Pimmsypimms]

Thanks so much for all of the support.
I just find it shocking that There is just no help or that to find help you have to turn over every stone to get there!
I have been trawling through the internet for teen mental health pages and they either send you to pages which are no longer available or, like just now, I tried calling a number several times where it just ring out, so I decided to send en email, Only for it to come back saying that it was addressed to a domain that is no longer available! This is through the nhs!
It seems like an impossible task to find someone for my dd to talk to!
I have emailed the school and asked them to do a camhs referral and asked if they can recommend a counsellor. I'm happy to pay private, otherwise I'll be waiting forever, but I wouldn't know where to start to find someone who a) isn't going to cost the earth and b) who is reputable.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

You might have luck contacting PALS they are like the customer service for the NHS. Complaints, advice, help gettIng in contact with treatment centers, etc. They’d at least make sure you got upnto date contact info.

www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Patient-advice-and-liaison-services-(PALS)/LocationSearch/363

[PlanDeRaccordement]

You’ve worked a full day helping your DD OP, you are the best of mothers.
I agree it’s probably time to look at moving schools. It’s what most parents and children in this situation end up doing. You get her to a safe environment, hopefully with new friends and then counselling can help her resolve and cope with the after effects of the bullying.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I think the local camhs would have a list of local counselling charities, support groups and private counsellors as well. If you call them and say a referral is in process but in meantime do they have a list of local providers and resources? Most of them do.

[FreckledLeopard]

I'd have a look at general therapists in your area - I just googled therapists for teenagers in East Midlands and this woman came up: www.alexandradent.co.uk/, amongst a number of others.

When DD was struggling at school, I rang a number of therapists, spoke to them to try and get a feel of what they were like, made DD an appointment and paid for therapy each week for a year or so. It was £40 an hour I think.

I'd also look into moving schools ASAP. Do you have the funds to consider private schools? Or if your DD is sporty, or academic, could you try for a bursary at an independent school?

I'd just start phoning around, seeing what the options are for counselling and for other schools, and go from there. The more calls you make, the more you may be able to start pulling together a plan.

[Goawayquickly]

I’m really sorry, I’ve been in a similar situation. Does school run a nurture group ? Many do run by the pastoral lead. If there are girls she gets on ok with I’d ask if she can move classes to be with them, maybe she can form new friendships this way. Are there lunchtime classes that might interest her? Choir maybe? Our school also offered a ‘buddy’ it worked well to my surprise.

I’d ask for a meeting with the pastoral lead and head of year, they may have suggestions. I found the LA more supportive than school tbh, they’ll try to help if they know whats going on IME.

It sounds like depression born of circumstances so although talking will be good for her the circumstances need addressing.

[IpanemaGallina]

I have a daughter in yr10 and we went through this last year. Very similar. She stopped eating and was really, really down. She didn’t want me to contact the school because she thought she’d be called a snitch by the mean girls.

Anyway, I contacted her music teacher who she’s close to and he was brilliant. He gave her a safe space in the music room when she needed it and introduced her to a new group of girls as a potential friendship group. They accepted her and she’s settled in with them. She’s much happier, her grades have gone up and her teachers have said how much better she is at concentrating in lessons.

Our school (state secondary) take mental health very seriously, if the situation hadn’t improved I would have moved her, I was so worried.

[CourgettiSpaghetti]

I really feel for you both. We went through the same with our DD. Secondary was a massive change for her and the inevitable friendship issues which spiralled out of control. School tried their best, spoke to those involved, made changes within the classes and even held an assembly on friendships and bullying. They were were very supportive. She hit rock bottom, we took her out of school for a while, looked around at other schools and paid for councilling as CAHMs had a long waiting list. Our councillor was amazing. It only took a few sessions before we started seeing changes. Our DD went from being suicidal, staying in bed, withdrawn etc to someone who is animated, chatty, sociable and full of beans.
We also live in the East Midlands and used the following to select a suitable councillor.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

You're doing everything a good parent would and I promise things will get better, even if you feel as though you're chasing your tail for a lot of it.

[MrsPMT]

Is she still attending afterschool activities? Because that might create opportunity for new friends. Or perhaps lunch clubs at school/study groups. Is there anyone she feels a bit friendly with and can build on that? Even older/younger. It can be absolutely horrible being pushed out of a friendship group, affected my mental health for years. You're being very supportive which is great and taking her worries seriously. Hope things improve.

[JonestheRemail]

I went through the same with my DD and very similar bullying. The only thing which fixed it was moving schools. I tried to get DD to tough it out but things did not improve. School etc were useless and TBH counselling did not do much either.

[fikel]

If you’re in Yorkshire please google The Market Place in Leeds !!!!

[Pimmsypimms]

We've decided to let her have a few more days off. I'll call the school in the morning about getting the camhs referral and also see about sending some work home so that she doesn't get too far behind as that'll just make things worse. Not sure about moving schools, dd says she doesn't know if she wants to, but then she says she doesn't know what she wants. Dh thinks it's not a good idea as it won't solve the problem. He says he wants to wait until she starts counselling, but I said That any results from that will take a while and it's just too long to wait to do anything.
We're quite conflicted in our beliefs on the best course of action.
I just really don't know.
I'm anxious about her getting behind academically as once you're behind, it's so much harder to catch back up again

[MyCatScaresDogs]

If you want to look for a private counsellor, I have always found the Counselling Directory website easy to navigate - you can search for therapists in your area and some will see teens (there may be a filter). Just make sure whoever you contact - and you may wish to send feelers out to several - is registered with an appropriate professional body such as BACP. I think they have to provide details of this to advertise on this website but I could be wrong.

[MyCatScaresDogs]

A counsellor should be able to help your DD work out what she wants without directing her. But it may take a few weeks to access counselling, even privately, in terms of finding someone with the right skill set who your daughter feels comfortable with, who has availability, and it will then take a few weeks to get a sense of whether this is helping. So you’re right that this is a longer term plan in terms of results.

Please note I don’t have any experience with teen MH - just with accessing MH services as an adult. But in terms of your DD’s situation, that was me once and I applaud you for trying to help her rather than forcing her to soldier on.