Dd severely depressed and don't know what to do

[Pimmsypimms]

My dd is 14 and in year 10. She is smart and has always been confident. She's had a few fallings out with friends in the past but she's been part of a solid friendship group for the last 18 months/2 years or so.
This group sent some pretty nasty messages to her and they fell out in October. The girls then isolated her by telling other friendship groups not to speak to her.
Ever since then, my dd has slowly slipped in to depression, she would always make an effort with her appearance and spend a good hour and a half getting ready for school in the mornings before his happened, now she will get up about 5 minutes before we have to leave and just tie her hair back with no make up etc.
She spends every lunch time in the library and she says she has no friendship group to spend lunch with and she is petrified that the library will be closed one day and she won't know what to do. She thinks that everyone is talking about her. She has friends that she speaks to, but not actually part of a group and she had totally withdrawn.
She is due to go back to school tomorrow after the half term and this weekend we have seen a real decline in her behaviour. She was anxious on Friday, barely Spoke yesterday and hasn't got out of bed all day today.
She said she doesn't want to go to school, she doesn't want to speak to anyone at school as she feels like she will cry if she does. She wants to be home schooled, that's definitely not an option. She is just absolutely sobbing about going back. I really, really do not know what to do!! I honestly never thought I would have to deal with this sort of problem with her as she's always been so outgoing and confident, but it's just like these girls have stripped her of any self esteem and she just can't pick herself up!
The school are aware and have given her a hall pass if she needs to leave the classroom for any reason and have said that she can go to the library no matter what, but I feel that this isn't really dealing with the issue. I know what there is very little help with regard to mental health issues with the nhs, but is it worth making an appointment with the doctors? Can they or will they actually do anything? She has said about killing herself, I don't feel that she would go that far, I think she is so sad about having to go back to school that she is expressing her upset.I honestly am lost

Bless her, I went through this exact thing in my last year of school and it was absolutely awful - I felt the exact same as your daughter I was extremely depressed (this was only 4 years ago). I really hope things look up for her, she'll be out of that horrible environment before you know it and she'll be at college making better friends 💞

Forgot to say that we paid £40 for 45 mins. We had two sessions within the week and one each week after. I arranged them for later in the school day or after school as quite often my DD would be tired afterwards. It was honestly worth every penny we spent, as a year and a half later my daughter is continuing to blossom and grow in confidence. Also, her new friends are just lovely.

OMG! I could have written this, we’ve been going through something similar with our dd in yr 10. We’re now at the stage that we took her out of school early in December, I home schooled her for a month, but she starts at a new school on Weds. having been totally isolated by her friends, left out of things they previously did together she became isolated and depressed.

It all started when a girl who was bullying her badly (and being a pain to everyone generally) was expelled. Her friends hadn't supported her when she was bullied and then blamed her for getting a girl expelled! This continued when they went back in September. School have been rather like yours, made the right noises, but not addressed it.

Being isolated by people who were once your friends is hurtful and is bullying, but even me speaking to the parents didn’t work, they just say well your dd was very ‘off’ with my dd and it wasn’t nice. I want to say ‘yes but she was being sent texts telling her to kill herself!’ and she was cross as when she was struggling with bullying, your dd walked away!
My dd is still cross we took her out, she said that at least bullying was her norm, she knew what was going to happen each day, even if it was isolating, now she has to start again.

Homeschooling was hard, it’s difficult with GCSE’s, and tutors are expensive. I’m not sure how far behind she is and that’s worrying now! To be honest I don’t give a sh1t about exams at the moment, I just want her back to some semblance of her old self. I just want to take the pressure off.

Dds blaming me for making everything change and wants to go back to her old school, but like you, I’ve seen what it’s done to her.

I was given some sites to look at and also for her.

Headspace which is part of Mind
NSPCC
Kooth - for your dd to chat to others going through the same - it’s monitored and closes at 10pm

We found a psychologist who does five sessions for £350. Didn’t bother with GP, as such a wait for CAMHs.

We’ve had a bad day today, stressing about going to a new school, it can’t be worse can it? I feel totally drained and it’s affecting DH and I, I’m making most of the decisions and getting all the flack as she tells me stuff, I think he feels she should just get on with it!

Do you know, when the girls found out she was leaving, not one of them messaged her. These are friends who she had been with for 8 years!

Keep talking. Make sure it’s what she wants. I pulled rank in the end and said it has to stop, she was leaving her school and she was wavering. I know in my heart it’s right, but she resents me for it now. god knows what happens if she hates the school! I could have just messed up her life more.

Hi OP,
I went through similar at that age and I would definitely recommend moving schools. One of my friends, who was bullied at the same time moved schools and made a great group of friends; whilst I stayed put and my confidence just dropped until University. I have a severe Anxiety Disorder now, which I do think the bullying contributed to.

My Mum often says she wished she'd homeschooled me for a few months but I really think that the time away from other people would have just made things worse.

I would move her. I went through similar at that age and stayed put. I did go on to make great friends at 6th form college and uni, however the impact of that social isolation and bullying has stayed with me all my life in terms of self confidence and anxiety.
At least I had an escape at home, in the days before mobiles and social media.

I was very ambivalent about moving schools and my mum didn't push it, but i wish she had.

Also, if ex-friends sending horrible bullying messages telling her to kill herself (not sure if that was your daughter OP or another poster and I cant scroll up on my phone) would certainly be taking a screenshot and considering sending a copy to said kids parents and the school. Vile behaviour.

@paddlinglikehell sorry to hear that you're going through it too. It's heartbreaking isn't it? I just feel so helpless. As it stands, dd has only actually had 4 days off due to this, today will be the 5th. We've always made her go to school in the hope that she can get through it, however, it's clear that isn't going to happen.
She is in top set for all of her subjects l, so as it stands, she isn't behind, however, I know how easy it would be for things to slip and she's worked so hard to get where she is today, I need to make sure she can at least keep her head above water. I'll be asking for work for her today.
Dd goes to a couple of afterschool groups which have been her lifeline in the last few months. She didn't want to go last night and she doesn't want to go tonights activity either. There is one on Saturday that she really has to go to as it's in preparation for something next month. I'm hoping she'll go to that. I might try and gently persuade her to go tonight too.
Thank you for all of your kind words and I'm so sorry for those who have been through similar or who's dcs have been through similar. It's so disheartening to hear how poor the schools have reacted to these issues and how little help there appears to be out there for anyone that needs it.

It is heartbreaking to see your child start to crumble and whilst I kept saying to her it will get better, this will pass, they so ‘in it’, they can’t see that.

At its worst she didn’t go anywhere, we struggled to get her out the house, but since going back in September, she tried so hard to pick herself up again, but the attitude from the so called friends really impacted, being excluded is bullying at its worst as it’s silent.

All I can say is keep on at the school, interests outside are good, my dd has a lot too, but I can see her confidence dropping in those at the moment.

Having a long time out of school, 5 weeks and a week over Christmas wasn’t good as she had too much time to think and lie around, so be aware of that, if she had started a new school straight away it would have been easier. In hindsight I should have asked for work, but she was so damaged, I just wanted to wrap her up and shield her from it.

Sadly she knows her old school go back tomorrow, she was there a long time and knows everything inside out, she was a ‘doer’ and a person who took part in extra curricular, now she is starting again completely and my heart breaks for her.

Someone said to me, your actions confirm that you care about her and whilst she may not like them, she will deep inside be grateful, that’s what I keep reminding myself.

@Paddlinglikehell has your dd started the new school yet then? I hope she meets some new friends and settles in quickly.

I have spoken with the school again this afternoon and they were quite helpful really. They are coming to the house tomorrow morning to have a chat with dd and myself to see how we can move forward. I do feel that they are being supportive, I am also aware that there is only so much that they can do though.
The head of year informed me that the camhs referral process changed in September and I get the impression it's harder to get the support now as she mentioned getting Action for Children involved to stand a better chance of getting the camhs support.

Geez, they don't like to make things easy to get help for our children now do they!!??

They don’t! Several people in education said its pointless going through the GP, as the waiting list for Camhs is several months. Who knows what state they’ll be in by that time!

We’re going into the blare school for a meeting about options etc. this week, so she hasn’t started. We have looked around though. It’s harder too as she’s previously been in an independent school, so naturally she’s worried at the difference. I think she thinks it’s going to be really rough, but it isn’t and to be honest the behaviour and language of the girls where she was is atrocious!

Does your dd know what has caused the girls to start excluding her? Did something happen? We’re still not totally sure to be honest, but they have been vile. Personally I question the parents who must know they’re excluding your and my dd when it comes to things they do outside school. Seeing everyone at a birthday meal, or bowling and knowing a few months ago, you would have been with them, is horrible. Could they be jealous that she does other things outside school? Those things and the kids there are what’s kept my dd going through the summer.

I would suggest she makes a list of the things that have happened, even things like going into lunch and them avoiding her, or not letting her sit with them etc. One girl started sitting in my dds place in lessons, no rhyme or reason, she never usually say there, I suppose she was trying to get a reaction. But it all adds up.

@Paddlinglikehell there are 3 instigators in this and dd was very good friends with 2 of them, not as close to the 3rd girl though. Dd has said that the 3rd girl wasn't happy that dd and the 2 other girls had a chat group together and she wasn't included. 3rd girl wasn't excluded, she just hung around in a slightly different circle. The 3 girls all went to the same primary school together, dd didn't.
Dd has spent quite a bit more time with friend 1, my dh took her and dd to see a few bands and other activities, they were really close.
We have deduced that something was said between the 3 girls at an activity that dd couldn't attend due to other plans and the nasty comments pretty much started from there really.
Tbh, I get the feeling that friend 3 probably started it and the other 2 went along with it. One of the main problems in my option is that friend 1's dad is a teacher at the school and she is one of the 'good girls' so if the parents were brought in to the school and spoken to, I can't see them believing for a second that their dd would have done anything wrong and because my dd had a few issues with friends in year 7 and moved forms, then in their opinion, it'll be my dd who is the trouble maker.

This is definitely bullying and not at all petty. It needs to be addressed or you need to change schools or home school. DO NOT leave it, expect the school to deal with it without assertive intervention from you, or expect it to get better on its own. You have done the right thing keeping her off and taking her to GP but support for her is just one piece of the puzzle.

My SIL moved our niece because of and the school wouldn't do anything. She's gone from strength to strength and is much happier.

Firstly I like hearing of all the people who moved and it was the right thing!

Secondly, if you hadn’t said you were in the Midlands, I would be thinking she was at our school, even the teacher!

Honestly it only takes one and the others will follow, dds best friend - sleepovers, online gaming, really close, didn’t even invite her to her birthday party, all the others in the friendship group were there, including a girl who sent horrid messages to her. You have to ask what the parents are thinking of.

The school need to get them all in and talk to them. Thing is, it may make it harder, but can it be any worse?

I wish you the best tomorrow, don’t be fobbed off, they even tried to tell me it was because my dd was quite forthright and confident and insinuated it was her problem, not the nasty bully controlling the group. Funny that she never had any issues in all the groups outside school, or all the way through school from primary.

Sadly, she isn’t confident now, she’s a mess!

Hi OP, my DD is having some difficulties too which are affecting her school attendance (although not due to falling out with friends). Luckily her school has its own counselling service and they are being really helpful but I'm aware most schools don't have in-house counselling these days. Agree with previous posters it's really difficult and takes ages to get an appointment with CAMHS - they only see the most severely unwell kids and for the rest usually write back to the GP signposting the local counselling services for young people that are available on the NHS. It really would be worth making a GP appointment to get an NHS young people's counselling referral in your area. Make sure they are aware she's talked about self harm. Hope things improve for her soon

youngminds.org.uk/

This is a good resource

Agree Young Minds worth a try. Also this is free young people's counselling service in Notts and Lincs - not sure if that applies to you? www.casy.org.uk/

I've been in your shoes too. The only advice I can give is to keep doing what you're doing. In my experience my dd got better in time. Shes now in yr 11 and this is the only time she has been happy in high school. All because she now has a circle of new friends. Can your school organise a managed move to another school? It's a chance to try it without giving up their existing place. You might find it's just what your dd needs and if she's unsure then you can put it to her in a you've got nothing to lose kind of way.
I really hope she feels happier soon. It is truly heartbreaking to see your child suffer like that. I had it from Yr 7, moved her halfway through then she was ok until yr8/9 and things got dreadful. She cried every single morning. It was awful. She wouldn't get ready properly or leave her room at the weekend or anything. She actually threatened to throw herself out of the bedroom window and told the gp that so she did get referred. Shes had 3 camhs referrals over the yrs which did nothing! It just took time and new friendships. I think hormonally yr 9/10 is horrendous too.
Hope things get easier for you.

So we had a really positive meeting with the head of year and the anti bullying coordinator this morning.
They both came to the house to chat to dd about how best to get her back to school.
They asked her about how she feels in each one of her lessons and we've arranged a staged return.
Dd will do 2 lessons tomorrow and they will even drop her off at home afterwards as I'll be at work. They've gone through her timetable and agreed on lessons that dd will go in for. In the lessons where she feels particularly isolated, they'll look at changing seating plans for her. She won't be staying for break or lunch yet.
They will also do a referral for the school nurse and also a referral for Action for Children to hopefully get her some counselling. They also have a contact who can recommend a private councillor for us.
Dd was noticeably more upbeat when they left. She said she felt that the meeting went well. I can't believe how supportive they have been. They have made it clear to dd that they will do whatever they can to get her back to school, but on her terms.
Very happy with the outcome, they couldn't have done more really.

That's fantastic news I'm so pleased for you. What a lovely, supportive school they have turned out to be.

Fingers crossed for her 🤞

I’ve been thinking about you all day and kept checking for an update.

That’s a really positive start and hopefully your dd will feel supported from now and happy to go in. The girls who are excluding her need addressing though, I hope they speak to them too.

My dd has a good visit to school today to discuss options and support. Y TY hey we’re so kind to her and such a difference from her old school, who were not at all interested in her well-being. She is feeling happier too thank goodness.

Let’s hope our girls feel better about themselves soon.

Thanks, I do feel a bit like a weight has been lifted, but I know there's a long way to go yet. Dd has had a bath tonight, got her uniform ready and done some reading for tomorrow, so all positive steps.

@Paddlinglikehell so glad your dd had a good school visit today and that she's feeling happier. It's amazing the different responses you get from different schools. Unfortunately, the common theme seems to be that most school don't do much. It shouldn't have to take a school move to resolve a problem like this

I do feel very lucky that dds school has now started to take things seriously after a lacklustre start.
I think once we take a few more steps back towards full time, I will have another conversation with school about talking to the girls involved.
They do need to be made aware of the impact of their bullying. I just don't think that I want to burden dd with that hurdle yet as I feel that it may make her withdraw again. Baby steps

Brilliant news

Glad to see that things are looking a bit brighter and that the school have begun to take things more seriously.

Fingers crossed for DD. I hope the phased return to school goes well.