Teen phone use...am I the only mum?!

[halfbakedkate]

Ok am posting here for a general poll.
My dd 16 is desperate to have her phone in her room overnight. To cut a long story short, she has ongoing mental health needs, is undergoing counselling and is awaiting camhs. There have been issues around her phone, the distraction it presents and her being unable to regulate.
I have always maintained that phones stay downstairs overnight because of impact on sleep, not to mention her being particularly vulnerable at the moment.
She says I am treating her like a child and not giving her an opportunity to show she can regulate. Everyone she knows has their phone overnight too so I am isolating her further than she is already.
More than anything I want her to be happy, healthy and able to regulate. But wondered what general consensus is...would you let your teen have phone overnight? What are your house rules regarding phones? Or am I really the only parent?!

[Bandia]

DD and DS have their phones overnight for the alarm. Phone is set down at 10pm, and isn't touched until the alarm goes off. If they're caught with it later than they should be, it's mine for a week.

However, they don't have social media, and have no interest in it.

[Greggers2017]

My DD 12 and DSD have their phones in their rooms at night as they can be trusted.
I take it off DS as he cannot be trusted to go to sleep if it is in his room.
I find no phones from as early as 6:30 very strange, what time do your children go to bed/have to be in? That to me is overly strict.

[Yas01]

I would suggest you stick to your plan and don't give in. Your daughter will learn to respect you and your rules and you will become the person of authority in your house once more. My children are 11 and 9, both have phones which are now individually app locked via parental controls. I have explained to them that oxygen, food, clothes and shelter are necessary for their survival, not roblox/Snapchat/Instagram and ps4!!!! They now find other normal activities to do and even enjoy spending time with me! We are more of a family now their gaming has been lessened. It takes a long time but worth it in the end. Don't give up, it is a difficult journey, but both your daughter and yourself will have a much better life without these things.

[martinsneap]

Morning
I am at breaking point I really am
I have a 15 year old daughter who is struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I wake her several times and I get a grunt and quite often verbal abuse. this morning she was out of bed at 8:20, she has to get her lift at 8:30 for school. I was wondering what I should do to combat this? maybe take her phone off her in the evening because I feel she is on it far too late and hence her being tired and not being able to get up. dont want to be a spoil sport, but I am at my whits end

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

Martinsneap I would have a chat with her and ask her to be honest about her phone use and how late she’s on it.
Tell her what you suspect and see if you can come to an arrangement.
I would definitely aim to get the phone out of her room at night.

[MarshaBradyo]

Martinsneap I take Ds’ phone and if alert is on it’s beeping a lot very late so his friends are on it late, past midnight etc. It might be the case for your dd.

[MarshaBradyo]

So I’d take it so she can sleep it’s too much of a draw.

[Nat6999]

At 16 you have to start trusting her & also she is old enough to take the consequences if she doesn't leave her phone alone. That means if she gets detentions for missing homework, there is no moaning or complaining, if she gets up late, then it is her responsibility to get herself to school & take the consequences for being late.

[soggypizza]

My kids keep their phones overnight - they always have, they are 16 now and pretty much can self regulate. You parent the child you have - asking what others do is not always useful. Your dd is old enough to be involved in the decisions that affect her, telling her and insisting you always know better will not help her move towards making adult decisions.

[twosoups1972]

When I've had ds's phone downstairs with me it's amazing how many snapchats come in after 11 at night, even after midnight sometimes. These are children in the last year of primary

Why the hell are they on Snapchat in the first place at that age??

[twosoups1972]

Phones downstairs here overnight too.

But what do you all do about laptops in rooms overnight? My dds tend to keep them on their desks in their rooms.

[Applejack87]

The rule in our house is my 13 year old switches her phone off at 7.15 on a school night , we all leave our phones downstairs over night she’s got used to it

[Fairylea]

16 is very different to 12/13/14 in response to some of the posts here.

My dd is 16 and she has her phone overnight, as do all of her friends. She has learnt the hard way that if she stays up on it all night she feels absolutely shit all day at college the next day so she doesn’t do that, she goes to sleep at a reasonable time. I think it’s something they all have to learn.

I appreciate the mental health difficulties and why this makes it a little more complex but I do think by taking her phone off her at night you will isolate her from her peers. Mumsnet seems to have an abundance of parents who severely limit screen time (irony being lots of us are using social media to post about it!) but my real life experience doesn’t match that. I think by 16 most parents are very relaxed over screen time.

My dd had to leave her phone downstairs to charge every night from 9.30 until she was 14 and then we gradually relaxed it until now.

[twosoups1972]

@Fairylea you make a good point. The number of adults I know who are addicted to their phones. Can’t have a meal out without them coming out

[NearlySchoolTimeAgain]

Can anyone suggest a way of automatically limiting access after a certain time on iPhones?

I looked at the Qustodio app that someone recommended upthread but reviews say it interferes with Netflix which we use a lot.

I know that putting them downstairs is the answer but sometimes I am in bed before my eldest son.

[Pandaintheporridge]

Try this
support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201304
You will need to do it via your son's phone, not yours (I'm assuming you have family sharing set up). I know I have a downtime on my own iPhone, only I am able to put it back easily enough - I guess the phone thing is the same but with a code that only you know. Think I will try this today for my ds! I am guessing a 16 year old will be more resistant though..

[twosoups1972]

@NearlySchoolTimeAgain I use the screen time restrictions directly from dd's phone - I set the 4 digit password. It's very good and much easier to use than Qustodio and the like. You can set downtime and restrict how much time they can have per day. You can also remove certain apps from the restrictions if you like. So my dd can't use her phone after 9pm with the exception of Spotify because she likes to listen to music in the shower.

[Canileavenow]

This is a constant battle in my household. My eldest DD is 16 and we have a rule that she gives her phone in at 11pm every night (she is a bit of a night owl). It then stays in my bedroom until morning. Problem is she rarely does unless I demand it, and I find it difficult to stay awake after 10pm as I get up very early. Result is a very grumpy me shouting for her phone at 11pm as I have been trying hard to stay awake. If I try to take it earlier (ie 5 min earlier) there is a big stand off, however if she is late giving it in, I am being unreasonable for being so cross.

[chaosinthekitchen]

At what age do the screen restrictors on this thread think their dcs should be allowed to decide for themselves about their screen time? When they've left home?

[TeenPlusTwenties]

chaos After GCSEs.

[eenymeenyminyme]

My DD16 has her phone in her room all night and is on it after I go to sleep. I've told her that she can regulate this herself unless it becomes a problem, but she's always out of bed when her alarm goes off in the morning and doesn't have any issues at school so I guess she's pretty good at self regulating!
I know it doesn't work for everyone but I tend to let her set her own rules with most things these days unless it causes any problems, she thrives on responsibility.

[Anothernotherone]

We all leave our phones downstairs, plugged in together, and always have. Neither DH nor I have ever taken our phones to our room at bedtime.

Eldest is 14 but actually says that she's glad she's not allowed it at night because it releases her from the obligation to reply to messages. She's aware that friends are messaging in group chats at 2am and glad she can use our "strictness" as an excuse not to.

I think your right to apply the same rules to yourself. It does negate the "treating me like a child" argument somewhat if house rules apply to everyone including all adults.

Given your DD's individual circumstances I think you're doing right, just weather the storm of eye rolls/ tantums and calmly remain consistent.

[redtulip12]

I think I must be the only one that lets my daughters have their phones in their rooms!They are 16 and 14 and do use them a lot but I trust that when they go to bed they don't use them. I could check via a a parental app but don't bother anyone as they have never abused my trust on this. If their School work suffered etc I would probably put in some phone rules but touch wood they are both doing brilliantly at school and seem to manage to self regulate their time spent on phones etc.