Teen phone use...am I the only mum?!

[halfbakedkate]

Ok am posting here for a general poll.
My dd 16 is desperate to have her phone in her room overnight. To cut a long story short, she has ongoing mental health needs, is undergoing counselling and is awaiting camhs. There have been issues around her phone, the distraction it presents and her being unable to regulate.
I have always maintained that phones stay downstairs overnight because of impact on sleep, not to mention her being particularly vulnerable at the moment.
She says I am treating her like a child and not giving her an opportunity to show she can regulate. Everyone she knows has their phone overnight too so I am isolating her further than she is already.
More than anything I want her to be happy, healthy and able to regulate. But wondered what general consensus is...would you let your teen have phone overnight? What are your house rules regarding phones? Or am I really the only parent?!

[halfbakedkate]

Again thank you
My daughter is so manipulative, she makes me think I'm losing my mind at times.
You've all given me clarity. Thank you

[Frenchfancy]

Phones downstairs at night until 16 after that I allow them to self regulate as long as grades don't slip. I'm surprised at those taking phones off teens at 6:30pm but I respect the choice of parents who do this. Generally I find that rules, like phones downstairs at night, that are for the whole household (ie include the parents) work better than those that are just for the children.

[Pinkyyy]

If she's being manipulative then I'd try a new angle OP.

I would start restricting day time access if she tries to manipulate you. It sounds like she is trying to give all authority to herself and you need to regain some of that.

I realise that you're trying to be supportive bit sometimes teens use that to their advantage and try and play off things to get what they want.

[Lindy2]

Yes your rule does make sense id you think your daughter would use the phone at night.
My 11 year old has her phone in her room sometimes but she has never used it after she goes to bed.
My only concern is that your daughter is 16 and it will become less appropriate for rules like this as she gets older. She needs to learn self control. When she is 18 and technically an adult do you still intend to try and set rules like this?

[Broken11Girl]

Do you model good behaviour by leaving your phone outside your room at night? Have you had an adult discussion about why she wants her phone so much?
If she has mh issues could she have friends with the same, who are on an all night and post distressed stuff...she might feel she needs to be there for them or will be responsible if they harm themselves. Just a thought. Of course she's not, but that might be where her head is. Discussion will get you further than 'My house, my rules, because I said so' etc any day.

[Crocodilesoup]

When I've had ds's phone downstairs with me it's amazing how many snapchats come in after 11 at night, even after midnight sometimes. These are children in the last year of primary.

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

Even some of us adults have issues regulating ourselves on our phones.
You’re doing the right thing.

[EnglishRose1320]

It's a tricky one isn't it. My ds is 14 and we do let him have his phone in his room but he doesn't stay on it after we ask him to finish. The reason we let him have it is because he has autism and mental health problems and previously if he was having a bad night he'd wake the whole house up by mistake when he came to get me, now he just sends me a text and I quietly go through to him. He only texts once every few months so it's not too frequent either and he knows I may not read it if I'm asleep, it seems to help him to be able to type out why he can't sleep, what's bothering him.

[Snog]

This is a very good rule OP stick with it

[stucknoue]

I have never removed phones but did check that they were asleep, there's definitely a balance between control and trust, by 16 you should not have to remove a phone, you need to set firm but reasonable rules

[midcenturylegs]

My DD is slightly younger than yours and on no account is she allowed her phone in her room at night @halfbakedkate.. She's gotten used to it and doesn't complain anymore thank goodness.

My boss's kids have to keep their phones downstairs at night and they're at Uni age and older! He says "my house, my rules".

Another friend keeps her kids phones in an actual safe overnight (I love her but she can be a bit OTT sometimes 😂).

There have been lots of studies linking excessive screen time to MH, and also causing sleep disturbances as I think PP have mentioned.

Best of luck OP!

[StarBubbles]

I really see the reason for the rule and it is a good rule. YANBU.

However, I wouldn't ever want to go to sleep without my phone.
I have pretty bad anxiety myself, and my phone is pretty comforting to me. If I get anxious, I message friends and talk to them until I feel more real again. I can also use it to play solitaire to calm me down. I was never scared of the dark as a kid, but when I have panic attacks I get scared of it, and my phone provides reassuring light (yes my bedroom has a light, but people can tell you're awake from that).
Having access to your phone all night is bad for pretty much everyone, but personally, I'd never give myself a phone-outside-the-room-at-bight rule, because my phone helps me more than it hinders me.
If you can, I'd have a calm discussion with your daughter. Ask her why she wants her phone, why it would help her anxiety. There may be other things you can do to help her without relaxing the rule.

[stayathomegardener]

Have a look at the links to blue light emitted from phones and the like and mental health.

[newnameagainagain]

All children will use 'everyone else's parents let them' as an argument.
It doesn't matter - you are right and all the parenting advice from every child agency backs this up.
No electronics in the bedroom overnight
Stick to your guns.

[theconstantinoplegardener]

bagsofbats we have Familylink on my DD's phone too, but apparently it will no longer work once she is 13 (we had to enter her DOB when we set it up). 13 seems way too young for unrestricted access to the internet. Are you aware of any method of bypassing the lifting of restrictions when your DD is 13?

Sorry to derail your thread OP!

[Mary8076]

You are totally right, I don't allow phone use at night to my daughters, it's a common right thing to do. As others here I use the parental control to do that. As many expert suggest in online articles, it's even better to block the phone one hour before bedtime and to to set the maximum screen time limit to 2 hours a day, that includes every screen (TV, pc, tablets...) so still 1 hour a day on phone is the right limit.
I strongly recommend you to install a parental control app, we use the google one, Family link, it's free and it's totally worth it (if you need it, this is the best guide I found to correctly install it www.docdroid.net/hJdK64Q/familylink-installation-guide.pdf#page=3). Since the block happens automatically there are much less discussion and tantrum about that.

Definitively you are not the only one, parents that not use parental control or let unlimited phone use IMO are just not aware about all the bad consequences of that.

[Mary8076]

@theconstantinoplegardener For what I know (after hard struggling with parental controls apps and ways to make them work properly avoiding bypassing), Family link works for children over 13yo too. By the google website: "Parental controls you set up for your child's Google Account won't apply after they manage their account. If you want, you can set up parental controls again on each supervised device they're using."
(support.google.com/families/answer/7106787?hl=en)

So I think you just need to set the paretal control another time and it should works. Obviously you need to be the only one to know her google account password otherwise she will disable it.
If you need help doing it or want to secure it from bypassing you can follow that guide in my previous post here (or drop me a message, I ended up being like an expert on parental control!). My oldest DD is almost 16 and Family Link still works.

You are right, 13 is just too young for unrestricted internet/phone use, IMO until 18 it's still totally necessary.

[theconstantinoplegardener]

Thank you Mary, that's extremely helpful!

[LemonPrism]

I sent naked pictures on my phone at that age so no. I would not be giving it to her.

[CapturedFairy]

My two do have phones in their rooms but there was a period where Ds1 at 14 admitted he struggled to put it down at night. He had mates doing snapchat streaks at 3am which he wasn't responding to but we could see where it was possibly heading.

He happily handed it over, and finally got it back at night at 16 post GCSEs. But he has never cared about social media, he games with his mates on a computer that is downstairs, ie his bedroom is for reading and sleeping in. He doesn't live in his bedroom either, he is not attached to his phone, it can often be found just lying around the house.

I think that is the major difference. When they cannot self-regulate parents do need to step in. So no you are not a terrible parent, you care enough about your child to say no and deal with the backlash.

We had a meeting at sixth form to welcome new parents, and the head said that mobile phones should come with a mental health warning due to addiction with social media and the lack of sleep they caused.

[jumpjump15]

My dd is 13 and has her phone in her room overnight she can be trusted and knows if she is on it at all when she is supposed to be asleep ahe will lose the privilege and she will have to leave it downstairs. I think teens need to be given the opportunity to trust them sometimes.

[halfbakedkate]

Thank you everyone
I would love for her to self regulate but she is just not able to at the moment.
I have been leaving my phone switched off and downstairs at bedtime and it was duly noted with a magnificent eye roll.

[VirginiaMum]

I really struggle with the phones in the bedroom for teens. I understand the logic behind it but also think that they have never known a time without a phone. It's technology that they have grown up with. I have two teens 18 and 15, and we have a strict house, but I think if i were to say no more phones in the bedroom after dark, it would suggest that I don't trust them... I know probably a bit naive, but we have to give them some credit to act responsibly.

[Bluntness100]

I always let my daughter have her phone, and op on two years or less she will be an adult, and you can't control it then. I'd let her have if. Not doing so isn't making the situation any better than her having it. Let's be honest.

[MarshaBradyo]

Ds 14 is a bit younger but we take his phone at night. His friends are still on WA during the night sometimes.