Teen phone use...am I the only mum?!

[halfbakedkate]

Ok am posting here for a general poll.
My dd 16 is desperate to have her phone in her room overnight. To cut a long story short, she has ongoing mental health needs, is undergoing counselling and is awaiting camhs. There have been issues around her phone, the distraction it presents and her being unable to regulate.
I have always maintained that phones stay downstairs overnight because of impact on sleep, not to mention her being particularly vulnerable at the moment.
She says I am treating her like a child and not giving her an opportunity to show she can regulate. Everyone she knows has their phone overnight too so I am isolating her further than she is already.
More than anything I want her to be happy, healthy and able to regulate. But wondered what general consensus is...would you let your teen have phone overnight? What are your house rules regarding phones? Or am I really the only parent?!

[WicketWoo]

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been mentioned before but can you not turn the internet off for her?

We turn it off for both my DDs at 9/10pm and then it's back on at 7am. So they keep their phones and can listen to downloaded music/use as an alarm or whatever and saves any daily battle to take it away.

[RolytheRhino]

Don't give in, OP.

[Bouledeneige]

I let mine have their phones in their rooms. Not sure what should now be wrong with them but they're fine.

[doginthekitchen]

I gave up control of their phones when they were 14 - which by this thread seems wildly out of sync - we didn't have massive problems - occasionally we had a chat about their usage and occasionally they left their phones downstairs while they studied. They don't spend the night texting their mates because they don't want to - they want to get a good night's sleep because they know they'll feel rotten the next day.

[Meanderer]

Mine is 14.5 and the phone stays downstairs at night. Sometimes she sneaks her iPad up to her room and guess what, on those nights she doesn’t sleep enough 😒 Recently though she’s started resetting her alarm to 6am (she normally gets up at 7) to text her boyfriend for an hour. He goes to her school! It’s been over a week now and she’s knackered, forgetful and emotional- I’m a bit at a loss about what to do - want her to learn to self regulate but I can’t see how to get around this 😞 other than keeping her phone in my room at night. Which seems a step backwards.

[midcenturylegs]

Such a bloody difficult issue to navigate! I think stick to our gut feelings on all of this, read all the research that's coming out in spades more and more about screen-related MH issues and ride things out as much as we can.
I think sadly (for others) if we stay strong our kids will thank us when they're older.

[BecomesHelen]

Mine are younger, only 13 and 11 but our rules for them are no phones in bedrooms (even during the day) and no phones after 7pm.

They think we are evil but I think it’s good for them to find something to do other than mindlessly scrolling in the hours before bed.

[bonbonours]

@fairylea yes but even if the phone is turned to silent it will vibrate and light up and if they are still awake (even on the cusp of sleep) they will be aware of it and be drawn to pick it up. OK it won't wake you up but it's the time when you should be winding down to sleep that concerns me not the possibility of being woken up.

[bonbonours]

"At what age do the screen restrictors on this thread think their dcs should be allowed to decide for themselves about their screen time? When they've left home?"

Well yes, frankly. This is the rule in our house for adults and kids. I would hope that by the time they leave home that rule is so ingrained that it is just considered normal behaviour by them and therefore when they live alone, they will either keep their phone in a separate room or switched off or silent in a drawer or similar overnight because they are not in the habit of having their phone all night.

[Fairylea]

I don’t know any teens that keep their volume on their phones. They wouldn’t know if it pinged at 11pm if they were asleep. None of my dds friends ever have the sound on - source of contention between us parents as they never hear us ring / message them when they’re out if we need them!

[bonbonours]

@doginthekitchen Yes, of course and 11 year old and a 16 year old are not the same. My point was that even adults can't self-regulate. If my phone pinged at 11 pm I would look at it which is why I keep my own phone downstairs.

[historysock]

I don't let mine keep theirs in their rooms on school nights but it's like ground hog day every. bloody. night. The same argument about them having to give them up at 9.30. I'm bored of it, I'm sure they're bored of it and yet around we go.
They keep them on non school nights which is the compromise.

[trockodile]

14 year old ds has downtime on iPhone which works quite well. His friends know he can’t reply which takes a bit of pressure off him I think. (Of course he thinks he has to answer messages online immediately-but he spends his life telling me ‘in a minute!’)
On school nights phone goes off at quarter to 10-quarter past 8. If he is ready for school I will allow it earlier-doesn’t usually happen! Weekends are 11-7. I allow audible and Spotify all the time.
He’s not particularly happy but accepts it as a necessary evil! I find it much easier than having a nightly battle to hand phone over. Also it is marketed less as ‘parental control’ and more as self help for all. Not sure if or when I will allow him to self regulate-unlikely to be soon!

[D0ubleTheJoy]

I have teens, both 17.

One has mental health issues (CAMHS, counselling) and I do not allow them to have their phones overnight. They want to go online in the middle of the night, to calm themselves down when they can't sleep. I think online access would only exacerbate the problem rather than solve it.

The other teen is allowed their phone overnight when it's not a school night. This child has always been better at self regulating throughout childhood and no obvious MH issues.

We all charge our phones outside of bedrooms overnight (except for non-school nights for DC2).

I'm finding it very difficult to navigate this issue as my kids are growing up and nearing legal adulthood Obviously I want them to grow up and be able to self-regulate, but even though they're 17, it's very difficult to let go of the control over this one thing and trust them to themselves. @halfbakedkate

[doginthekitchen]

those of you who reckon your child can self regulate are kidding yourselves. If the phone buzzes at 11.00pm they wouldn't pick it up to see who's texting them? Yeah, right. My 11 year old's friend was texting her on WhatsApp at that time the other night (phone was downstairs pinging away). I'm sure her dad had no idea she was still awake as I know they go to bed quite early in their house.... An 11 year old isn't a teenager and the OP's dd is 16! That's quite an age difference.

[twosoups1972]

At what age do the screen restrictors on this thread think their dcs should be allowed to decide for themselves about their screen time? When they've left home?

Difficult one. My oldest is 18 and having a year at home after being at boarding school for 2 years. She leaves her phone downstairs with all of ours overnight, it's just what we do.

However, having been at boarding school where she had her own room and kept her phone overnight, she had to learn to self-regulate. You have to remember that these older teens will soon be living in university halls with no option but to keep their phones in their rooms.

[bonbonours]

Also I think those of you who reckon your child can self regulate are kidding yourselves. If the phone buzzes at 11.00pm they wouldn't pick it up to see who's texting them? Yeah, right. My 11 year old's friend was texting her on WhatsApp at that time the other night (phone was downstairs pinging away). I'm sure her dad had no idea she was still awake as I know they go to bed quite early in their house....

[bonbonours]

I would absolutely keep her phone downstairs especially if she has already shown she cannot self-regulatory. To be honest most adults (myself included) even without mental health issues, are unable to self-regulate when it comes to phones. All ours stay downstairs overnight. I also have the screentime app which allows you to set bedtime hours between which the phone will not work.

All the rest is just excuses: need music? Get an mp3 player or CD player. Need a light, get a nightlight (red doesn't interuppt sleep patterns) can't sleep? Read a book. Need an alarm? Get a clock.

Or maybe an echo. My kids all have an alexa in their rooms they can use for an alarm, it will play sleep relaxation sounds, you can talk to it, it will tell you jokes or fascinating facts or just say goodnight, all of which might be helpful for those with anxiety.

[eternallybaffled]

My DD is 15 and seems to be very similar to your own. Mental health, self reg etc and the manipulation to try and get what she wants. On account of issues last year, in part caused by constant access to her phone, I set down rules. She isn't allowed her phone in her room at any time, she gives me her phone at 10pm and doesn't get it back until 10am (before getting her bus on school days), if she seems to be getting overly distracted by the phone during the time she has access to it, she has to put it away in the kitchen for an hour or so until she gives her head a bit of a wobble.
According to her, ALL her friends get their phone all the time, they don't have rules about their phone, her counsellor can see why it's very unfair that she has these rules....blah, blah, blah. I'm NOT budging!

[Anothernotherone]

TeenPlusTwenties I agree - otherwise how would anyone in their 40s, whose teenage years might, if early adopters, have included access to a BBC microcomputer with dial up modem access to pay per view static text pages, and cassette tape games of snake which took 15 minutes to load, be capable of self regulating smartphonehone or internet use? People insisting that only unregulated night time smartphone access will allow teens to learn to self regulate as adults appear to overlook this conundrum.

Crucially the people insisting that teens have to have unrestricted 24/7 internet access are ignoring the fact that the 16 year old in question here has mental health issue, and a history of failure to self regulate and problems related to smartphone use.

[ThereIsIron]

We let our DDs (now 14 & 17) have their phones in their rooms since they got them (age 11) in the hope they would self regulate. They never did, but they're fine.

[Rainbowknickers]

My sd has her phone in her room as her mother didn’t give a fuck and dads not bothered about her using it til 2am
The rule in my house with my lot was i pay the bill so my rules
So from 9-7 on weekdays and 10-7 weekends/holidays all phones where in my room in my drawer and it worked until they hit 18
No regrets at all

[TeenPlusTwenties]

Some teens can self regulate, some can't.
I think that is more down to luck of the draw than parenting.

[Anothernotherone]

twosoups1972 we have timers on all tech - our older 2 are gamers and have desktop gaming PCs (also usable for homework but they don't get much homework requiring a computer, their school requires everything aside from IT handwritten) in their rooms. There are automatic time and duration limits on everything though, all of which we can override.

We use the Google Family Link app through which they can also request more time if necessary.

The eldest child is 14 but not a heavy screen user, she tends to leave her phone downstairs even during the day and has phases of gaming and phases of not touching her computer for weeks on end. The only one who ever asks for extra time is the 12 year old.

[redtulip12]

I think I must be the only one that lets my daughters have their phones in their rooms!They are 16 and 14 and do use them a lot but I trust that when they go to bed they don't use them. I could check via a a parental app but don't bother anyone as they have never abused my trust on this. If their School work suffered etc I would probably put in some phone rules but touch wood they are both doing brilliantly at school and seem to manage to self regulate their time spent on phones etc.