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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need guidance with out of control teen

37 replies

Butterflybelly · 26/05/2018 12:43

H e has split from his girlfriend and I'm to blame in his eyes. H e has kicked a door of its hinges, taken my phone, threatened the girlfriends dad, smashed up her phone. I vs suspended the phone accounts so mine might also be smashed now. I've locked him out to give him time to cook down and avoid the backlash. I'm frightened what he might do. He's very I mature, he struggles to manage and regulate his emotions generally and he is impulsive. His girlfriend told me he's using a lot of drugs. I suspected that anyway. His dad doesn't really want to acknowledge his existance. I'm on my own. No support. I don't know what to do for the best. Please help.

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 26/05/2018 12:46

What age is he?

You do realise this is not normal behaviour?..could this violence and aggression be the reason or part of the reason his girlfriend split with him?

He needs help, anger management, rehab to get off drugs etc...can you get him to talk to his dr about his behaviour, before he ends up doing something that will get him in trouble with the police

Original poster
Butterflybelly · 26/05/2018 12:58

He's 16. Rehab isn't the next step. He's smoking weed and taking ecstasy with friends at the weekend. Sadly this is relatively normal behaviour for lots of teenagers. His controlling behaviour and his girlfriends intolerance of it has been the cause of the breakup. Thankfully she's realised this is not healthy and she's ended the relationship. I really am concerned about my son. He's so impulsive and immature. His friend came to my door with him and put his foot in the door to stop me closing it. This is the type of person he's hanging out with. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Nb65988 · 26/05/2018 13:12

Most teenagers experiment with drugs but he is out of control he can't go around doing this would u accept this from a partnrer no cause it would be classed as DV get him to doctor about anger management classes and he needs of the weed those 2 are not good together but u should have called police u didn't need to charge him but he would have got a breach of the peace maybe learn a lesson my mother did this to my brother he got remanded he had other cases pending but being in jail straightened him out he didn't want to go back you can not keep letting him do this and he shouldn't have relationship if .he can't handle take him to doctor about anger and no more weed if he wants to stay with u and tell him u will have him arrested he 16 and has all the Signs that he will turn out baf

Original poster
Butterflybelly · 26/05/2018 13:36

I have tried to get him to a doctor. He won’t go. Sadly i have no way of forcing him not to smoke weed. He’s came home. Gave me my phone back but took the sim out. He called me a cunt and clearly has had drugs. No idea what but he was drowsy and I suspect it was some kind of tablet. He laughed in my face and went out. I don’t know if I should tell him he needs to leave my home. He’s only 16. He’s a mess. I’ve tried to be a good mother and provide him with a stable home environment but it’s not worked. I’ve failed despite my best efforts. I can’t really ask him to leave can I? He’s still a child. I do not want to call the police. I doubt it will work. He simply doesn’t care. He is an abusive boy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butterflybelly · 26/05/2018 13:55

Thanks elder

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 26/05/2018 13:57

16 is not a child, there's 16 year olds who join the army...and the swearing and violence, drugs etc is horrible, his behaviour sounds awful, that may be why his girlfriend doesn't want to be with him...would you want that in a partner?...

You need to get help for him as he sounds like he's gone off the rails big time, and he needs to know that to fit into regular Society people can't behave that way, they need basic manners and not violence...you should stop the drug taking in your house, I know that if I had taken drugs (I never have) my parents would have gone bananas at me...he needs guidelines and rules, and consequences for not sticking to the rules, and the swearing needs to stop too, that is so disrespectful to swear at his mother

Original poster
Butterflybelly · 26/05/2018 14:06

All of what you say is true elder but I can’t stop him using drugs if he wants to. If you can think of a way how that’s realistic then do tell me. I also can’t force him to have help. He has to want to do that himself. I don’t allow him to take drugs. He has had lots of guidance and there are rules. Sadly he breaks all of them. I’m exhausted with it all.

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 26/05/2018 15:18

www.redcliffascent.com/evaluation/?gclid=CjwKCAjwi6TYBRAYEiwAOeH7GYDyKpccOExqw7mCOYwl4xRcruIDrR2p9pa9NQfNN_5YP2eRtqFwIRoCm1IQAvD_BwE

What aout contacting them or another (there are several in usa) they take troubled teens from usa and overseas that have behavioural/violence/drug issues etc and sort of work with them at wildness camp so by the time they come home they are much improved

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 26/05/2018 15:18

*about

Coffeeonthesofa · 26/05/2018 15:42

I’m not usually someone who tries an online diagnosis but does he have an ADHD or ODD diagnosis or is it a possibility? Being emotionally immature , violent, impulsive, no recognition that his behaviour will have consequences and self medicating with drugs are all behaviours that might indicate that. Unfortunately he would have to agree to be assessed and may not agree to take any medication. The reality is that you can’t stop him taking drugs you can only stop him taking them in your house by excluding him. He probably won’t listen to you, is there another adult in his life he might listen to? Is he still at school, is there a teacher he might listen to? Ultimately he may end up in trouble either drugs related or with a conviction for assault either of these will have long term consequences for him.
All you can do is try and get through to him if he refuses you have a choice to keep him at home or ask him to leave. As I know from personal experience you sometimes have to stand and watch the ‘car crash’ happen and try and pick up the pieces afterwards.
I am well down this road PM if you need a no holds barred chat.

Runninglateeveryday · 27/05/2018 16:39

Why haven't you called the police ? What he is doing is domestic abuse to his gf and to you, plus criminal damage, call the police he sounds too out of control for you to put in sanctions so at least show him you won't tolerate it.

helpfulperson · 27/05/2018 16:51

I know calling the police on your own child isn't nice but if you can't control him maybe it's the only option. He needs to understand it isn't OK to behave like that.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/05/2018 17:19

Where does his money come from?

sparkleshine16 · 28/05/2018 21:16

Just wanted to say, you’re not alone in this situation as I’ve had a similar experience for the past 2 years and tried absolutely everything with very little success/ change in behaviour. I now believe only time and maturity may make a difference. I’m happy to speak to you via pm if that would help, it’s extremely difficult and really important that you remember to take care of yourself whilst trying to support him.

poobumwee · 29/05/2018 13:49

Really sorry you are going through this.

We have experienced similar issues ourselves. Son struggling at school, got in with wrong crowd, weed, trouble with police, violence and aggression at home.

A year ago I questioned whether he would still be living with us. would have happily kicked him out. I'm glad we didn't. He has ASD which does influence his behaviour.

We had him arrested, during one particularly nasty incident. we'd had enough and his behavior was traumatising our 11 year old daughter (while physically safe, emotionally the toll was awful). Police were excellent-took him away over night as he was out of control. When he came home we told him next time we would press charges and we meant it.

Since then things have improved, due to other changes we have made at home. There were underlying issues driving his behavior which we understand more clearly now and offered him support.

Youth offending team (who have also been excellent) are working with him and he is engaged and doing what he needs to do, as part of his caution.

9/10 he is in on time or early now and if running late will ring to let us know. a year ago he would be out until midnight or 1am with us having no idea where he was.

Another key change was he stopped mixing with the wrong crowd-his choice-but he learned the hard way that they were bad news. We also relaxed some expectations, but held firm on others. EG no smoking at all in the house, in by certain time and contact us when running late, but bedtime was up to him (as long as he doesn't disturb us). We did this because we were arguing over bed time and i just didn;t have the energy to deal with something so trivial compared to everything else we were managing, and was close to a nervous breakdown. . nothing to argue about now. the other thing I would say is that he was definitely testing us to see how far he could push-he had low self esteem and was trying to push us away. He's doing GCSE maths and applying for college. things are by no means perfect but so much better than they were

creepingbuttercupdrivesmemad · 30/05/2018 19:29

poobumwee your message is really helpful. I am going through exactly the same at the moment with my nearly 15 year old (and we are waiting for an ADHD diagnosis).

I came on to reassure the OP that she isn't alone, but goodness it's tough.

poobumwee · 31/05/2018 13:47

creepingbuttercupdrivesmemad its awful and you are not alone!

Our experience is certainly that bad behavior is a sign of underlying issues that need to be understood and addressed. while our son's ADHD and ASD diagnosis didn;t change anything over night it helped us understand him better and make adjustments at home to reduce the number of explosions he would have. I had felt for years he was a little different to other kids but could not put my finger on it, as I naively thought it couldn;t be autism because he was fairly eloquent. my ignorance! He takes medication on days when he is being taught which helps him concentrate-we do not medicate at weekends or during holidays, as it affects his appetite. I really hope things get easier. Many people who have not gone through this, will judge parents who are. But we are good parents and love our kids. He really did get in with the wrong crowd and go off the rails!

Kidsdub · 31/05/2018 22:18

Hi
Really sorry to hear this too . Too many parents experiencing the same with teenage boys yet feeling so isolate.
I have been experiencing the same thing the last two years with my son.
It all kicked off after he was bullied in school causing him anxiety .
I feel this lead him to drugs which change my once loving quite boy to smashing up my car and house on more than one occasion.
We had so many battles with him about drugs but he refuses to see they do him any harm . He left school this year with no qualifications. But its a relief as he never went and I battled for so long.
He says now he wants a job & to change but even now the attitude is awful. He has zero respect for me of any of us . if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t like (could just be to turn down his music) he could kick off shouting and banging things or throwing something .
My daughter 12 is terrified of him if he kicks off and she’s now has mild anxiety because of him .
We have told him to leave a number of times but he’s always comes back with apology but nothing changes.
At this stage he does what he wants and goes and comes as he pleases but I am now drug testing him for his pocket money and already he has a stash of someone’s pee in a bottle to dup the test. So when I test him and call him out on this he will kick off.
I’m sorry I’ve no advice I just hope he matured soon or when he’s 18 he will have to leave for good .

sparkleshine16 · 01/06/2018 10:25

Kidsclub, your story is very similar to mine. My boy had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression although has now disengaged from the supports I fought so hard to get him. He continues to prefer the bad crowd to anything we might come up with and despite me worrying to death about the further impact of taking drugs on his mental health, nothing changes.He is almost 18 and I believe it’s time for me to take a step back (for now not forever) it’s really really tough and unless you’re going/ have went through it you can never truly understand. I hope things get a bit better soon.

Kareninfrance · 01/06/2018 17:03

Mine just turned 18 in April - things no better - doesn't speak to us unless asking for money, lofts, cigarettes. Refused to go to college all week - just in his bedroom. All I get is fuck off if I try to speak to him. Don't know what to do - tried everything.

iun33 · 04/06/2018 16:42

We are dealing with 2 out of control teens, both hit puberty and have come monsters we are terrified of. My theory is the hormones in the food ,has to be. These kids are much bigger, more aggressive, and mean. How do you not go bankrupt from constatly buying new clothes and shoes?

PastBananas · 04/06/2018 16:47

Sorry OP, but I agree with other posters, perhaps it is time to get the police involved. You shouldn't have to deal with his violent and threatening behaviour on your own like this. He's not a child any more.

summerinrome · 04/06/2018 16:50

Op I think you need to put your foot down, he goes to the doctor or he is out. You pack his bags and tell him to leave.

You have no options left, you are vulnerable to his aggression and lack of control and you need proper support.

You sit down with the dr (book a double appointment) and tell them everything that has happened and you can be referred for support. Anger management, assessments, medication.

No more money, no more funding of any kind. Strip out all benefits such as his phone, luxury food. You have much more power than you think. If he gets aggressive, call the police. He can not intimate you into giving him money/phone and clothes.

It all stops now.

Social services may help, but otherwise your GP definitely can.

Bite the bullet now before it is too late.

summerinrome · 04/06/2018 16:50

Intimidate

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